A self portrait by Leonardo da Vinci
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Rated PG-13
"Maestro," Kathryn’s voice broke the stillness of the room.
Master da Vinci started from his light sleep and pretended to be studying a manuscript he was holding. "What did you say, Katarina?"
Kathryn suppressed a smile she couldn’t help but wonder if the original Leonardo da Vinci was as humorous. "I was pondering a question Maestro. It was of no consequence; please go back to your manuscript." She smiled and busied herself with her painting, hoping he would not notice the blush on her cheeks.
Now it was his turn to eye his pupil. He walked over to study her brushwork and the disorder she was creating with her absentmindedness. "Enough! Katarina, you are muddying the colors!" His hands waved in emphasis.
Kathryn grinned openly and handed him her brush in surrender. "I bow to your superior skill, Master da Vinci."
He took the brush in one hand and the hand that had been holding it in the other. "Come, my dear, sit with me by the fire. I believe you need to talk to old Leonardo."
Kathryn rose and followed him over to the low divan near the fire. Settling herself beside him, she poured them each a glass of red wine. She handed one glass to him and took a sip, savoring the flavors.
Leonardo did not push. With a woman such as his little Katarina, patience was more oft rewarded than questions. He sipped his wine and admired the shadows cast on the wall by the flickering firelight.
Hearing her sigh, he surreptitiously glanced at her. Her face was tranquil as she studied the fire, but her lips drooped with a touch of sadness.
"Come, my child, you cannot create masterpieces with a burdened heart. It casts a pall over your artistry. I will be silent if you wish, but your time at the canvas will be wasted until you speak of your troubles."
Her eyes never wavered from the flames. He wasn’t even sure if she’d heard him at all.
"Master da Vinci, do you think dreams are the voice of your heart?" Kathryn’s husky voice was a whisper.
Leonardo smiled gently. She was almost like a daughter to him at times. "Well, Katarina, that is a question for philosophers. I, however, believe that it is more than memories and more than desires." He stared down at the wineglass in his hand. "Perhaps it is a gift from God filling in all the empty rooms inside of us—and lifting us from the mundane into another realm of possibility."
Kathryn smiled. "The scientist in me has always scoffed at the metaphysical but a dear friend of mine has tried to show me other possibilities." Her smile faded. "My dreams are beginning to haunt me." She groped for Leonardo’s hand blindly.
He marveled at the tension and anxiety that her grip communicated. He squeezed her hand encouragingly. "Tell me, my dear." His voice was gruff with his worry.
"Leonardo, have you ever had recurring dreams? Dreams so vivid you feel as if you are living each moment—breathing, laughing, living and loving? Dreams so real that waking is a shock? Dreams that leave you wondering what is real, and what is not?" Kathryn’s voice caught for a second but she tried to cover the break by taking a drink of her wine.
Leonardo watched as the emotions raced across her face like the moon racing across the sky. He admired her beauty and the way the light captured the deep ruby red of the wine. He waited knowing she needed his silence.
Kathryn sat her wineglass down on the table and leaned back. She took a deep breath and continued. "Once, a long time ago, I was going to marry a man named Mark. I loved him; he was my friend. Someone I’d known my whole life. I knew that we would never have the passionate relationship I’d had with my first love Justin. What we had was comfortable. Mark and my feelings for him were safe." She sighed and shook her head. "He would never face the kind of dangers that might take him away from me—not the way Justin was torn from my life. It was safe to love him because the part of me that was so hurt in losing Justin would never be vulnerable in that easy, innocuous relationship we built together." She looked thoughtful for a second. "In a way it was quite liberating. My heart was safe from further loss and I could concentrate on the stars." She pulled her feet up on the cushions and wrapped her arms around her knees. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Then everything changed. It happened in a blink of an eye, but I fought against the realization of what those changes meant."
Kathryn smiled wryly, "I was pretty damned successful, too. There were moments when my heart surfaced, but my head would always step in to remind me of the consequences. I wouldn’t take the risks," she sighed, "except in my dreams."
"It is hard to describe. My dreams are a mixture, a collage made up of the past, the present, and some are just..." her voice trailed off and she blushed. "Some are of things that have never occurred; never! The dreams all contain different relationships, different men, and different degrees of intimacy. My mind has been sorting away at all of them, and…" Her voice trailed off and he saw her swallow hard.
After a few moments of silence he prompted her, "And?"
She was staring at the flames, but he saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. "While I was painting, I was trying to find some reason for it all. The only link between them all was how I felt with them." She threw him a slightly embarrassed look. "I am a woman of extremes, Maestro. In my relationships, I apparently have two categories. Safe and protected." She grimaced and freed her hand to hold it out. Looking at it with repugnance. Then she held out her other hand and continued with a note of chagrin in her voice. "And then there are the one’s where I can’t control my feelings." She rose abruptly. "Justin and Mark typify both extremes. Loving Justin was like hanging from a cliff with no safety rope, but Mark was like taking a stroll through a park. One was pure excitement, always exhilarating. The other was pleasant, but always predictable."
Leonardo rose and went to the doors of his balcony. "Come here, Katarina."
She looked across the room at him where he stood with his hand extended in invitation. She nodded and joined him.
He led her out to the balcony railing. "Katarina, love is like every grand experiment. Some experiments we perform knowing what the results will be; they are—just for the confirmation." With his free hand he pointed up to his flying machine. "Others," his smile lit his face, "make your heart soar as you step into the unknown." He swept his arm in a wide arc. "See the stars Katarina. They are beautiful in their majesty. Each star is as unique as each love. None is better and none is worse, but all are rare. All of your life, you will face experiences that change you." Leonardo harrumphed emphatically. "The true challenge, Katarina, is to find a love that can transcend the changes and grow with you." He shook his finger reproachfully at her. "But for this to happen you must have a heart that is open to the invitation of love. Never do you talk of a lover, Katarina. This is not good. A woman as beautiful and full of life as you should be locked in a lover’s embrace, not be closeted here with a dusty old man."
Kathryn’s smile at his tirade faded and she blanched as the words ‘lover’s embrace’ brought a flash of an image from her dreams. "Oh dear God." Her hand came up to cover her mouth.
Leonardo stopped his flow of words to peer closely at her in the moonlight. "What is it, Katarina?" he asked in consternation.
Like quicksilver, she was suddenly laughing. He grew concerned. "Katarina? I do not see what is humorous in my words."
Kathryn shook her head, still laughing. She caught his hands with hers. "Oh Maestro. It’s not that! No, your words created such a vivid picture that it reminded me of something else from my dreams. It is of the man who has never been my lover, but my dreams always have us in a lovers’ embrace."
Leonardo’s eyebrow’s rose, "And who is this would be lover, Katarina? Is it someone you have feelings for?"
Kathryn looked solemnly at him. "He is my friend, Maestro, and I thought I’d banished my feelings for him long ago." She gripped his hands tightly, her face shining as further insight occurred to her. "Oh, Maestro. He is the balance! He is the only one who was in both kind of dreams. At times our relationship is like the greatest of adventures and at others it is as restful as a summer afternoon. I realize that in the dreams of him, that’s where I am happiest."
Leonardo pulled her hands up in front of her. "Passion and excitement." He kissed the palm of one hand. "Companionship and friendship." He kissed the other palm and brought her hands together. "Then this man, Katarina, this could be the love your heart seeks, the love that transcends all the changes life brings." He pulled her close and kissed her brow. "Go to him, with my blessings Katarina, but bring him to my studio. I must get to know such a man!"
Kathryn’s eye’s filled with tears. "Thank you, Master da Vinci. I think you’ll like him. He is an artist and dreamer, like you."
Leonardo’s eyebrow’s rose. "It is good. Send him to me we can know each other better creating together."
Kathryn paused and her face looked doubtful. "Master, what if he doesn’t love me any longer? I’ve pushed him away so many times." Her brow furrowed, "I’ve hurt him and he’s never stopped giving of himself."
Leonardo put a gentle hand under her chin. "If he is truly deserving of your love Katarina—then he is no fool, and if he is no fool—then he will wait patiently for you." His seriousness gave way to expansive gestures. "After all—is there a man in the whole of Italia who could resist you, Katarina?" He answered himself emphatically. "No! No, it is not possible. Now go! Go to him. Show him your heart. Give him your love!" He gesticulated wildly! "Love is irresistible!"
Kathryn laughed as he shooed her towards the studio doors.
"I look forward to meeting your lover and I will open a bottle of the good red wine to celebrate! Bon Giorno!" He kissed her cheek.
Kathryn smiled radiantly and said, "Goodnight, Maestro, and thank you!" She turned and in her hurry she forgot to end the program, as she exited the holodeck.
Leonardo returned slowly to his divan, settling himself down with his glass of wine. Gazing at the door in the firelight he smiled. "Ah, Katarina! Life’s journey without love is a long and empty road. Sweet dreams, Katarina; for you, always sweet dreams." He took another sip of wine and closed his eyes.
A self portrait by Leonardo da Vinci
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