Fairhaven Revisited (since I hated it first time around!)

 By Autopilot

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything and we're all so happy for them, but lets all say TY for letting us borrow them.

I'd also like to thank Kerry (SciGrl47@aol.com) for her hilarious PADD stories which prompted me to try my hand at this wonderful format! It's FUN!! (me grinning gleefully!)

Rated PG-13

To: T. Paris, Ensign
From: H. Kim, Ensign
Time sent: 0700 hours

Tom-
Did I just see Chakotay flinch when the Captain mentioned her new holographic boyfriend? She’s not talking about Michael the bartender is she?
-Harry

To: H. Kim, Busybody
From: T. Paris, Busy Piloting a Starship
Time sent: 0718 hours

Harry-
If you didn’t notice, I’ve got my back to the incredible command duo. You tell me! And of course she’s talking about Michael. Did I tell you what I saw at the bar when I went for a late night pint?
Did Chakotay really flinch? Don’t tell B’Elanna--she’ll flip out.
-Tom

To: B. Torres, Love of my Life
From: T. Paris, Ensign in the Know
Time sent: 0720 hours

B'Elanna-
You won’t believe what Harry just told me about Chakotay. Have you ever seen him flinch away from anything? Just curious. Are we still on for dinner tonight? I’ve got a great story about Harry kissing a cow for your entertainment!
-Tom 

To: T. Paris, Keep on Hoping
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant in Charge
Time sent: 0735 hours

Tom-
If you don’t give me more details I might just be bringing my bat’leth to dinner. Of course we’re still on, you promised me anything I wanted from the replicators if I showed up. The Borg couldn’t keep me away. A cow?
-B'Elanna 

To: H. Kim, Ensign in Serious Danger
From: B. Torres, Lieutenant looking for Answers
Time Sent: 0750 hours

Starfleet-
What’s this that you leaked to Tom about Chakotay? You’re not holding out on me, are you Harry? You know what happens when you disappoint a Klingon, don’t you? Just a friendly reminder.
-B'Elanna

To: B. Torres, Ensign’s Worst Nightmare
From: H. Kim, Innocent as Always
Time sent: 0818 hours

Would I hold out on you? Never. I was just following some advice from a certain superstar pilot who is definitely on my hitlist now. All I saw was Chakotay’s reaction to the Captain talking about her new holographic boyfriend from Fairhaven. You know the one...Michael. Satisfied?
-Harry

To: H. Kim, Who can Keep his Head
From: A Klingon hunting down Flyboy
Time sent: 0852 hours

Harry-
So Tom had his fun, and now I’ll make him pay for it. He did mention one thing that I’m curious about. What’s this about you kissing a cow? I’m hoping that’s an exaggerated description of your holographic girlfriend. Does she moo when she’s in the mood?
-B'Elanna grinning from ear to ear 

To: T. Paris, Dead Meat
From: B. Torres, Officially on a Rampage
Time sent: 0910 hours

Pilot about to crash and burn-
Setting me up to crush poor little Harry is a new low for even you, hotshot. I think I’ve suddenly been overcome with a desire to eat dinner in the messhall. Enjoy that romantic dinner alone. Unless you can come up with a reason for me to forgive you.
-B’E

To: B. Torres, Holding my Broken Heart
From: T. Paris, Not Above Groveling
Time sent: 0948 hours

B'Ela-
Harry must have misunderstood me. I wanted to be the one to break the news to you, that’s all. Trust me! I hear that Neelix is serving Leola root stew tonight. Are you sure that I’ve disappointed you that much? How about I make it up to you by tweaking my Fairhaven program. I think the barman might just develop a few glitches.
-Tommy boy

To: Torres, Lend me your bat’leth
From: Kim, Hotshot’s former friend
Time sent: 1023 hours

Maquis-
I’m gonna kill him with my bare hands now. First he turns my date into a cow on the holodeck. Next he tells all. No she doesn’t moo...she was a sweet girl, at least until Tom got done with her. Now she wears a bell around her neck and needs to be milked. We seriously need a therapist aboard this ship.
-Harry in a crisis  

To: B. Torres, Lieutenant
From: EMH, Chief Medical Officer, USS Starship Voyager
Time sent: 1059 hours

Lieutenant-
Mr. Paris arrived late to his duty shift here in sickbay again but he said true love had held him up. I’m assuming you understand... he was cryptic when I pressed him further. All he added was that he had a bartender to ‘tweak’. I’m assuming you can clarify for me.
-The Doctor 

To: Doctor in my Business
From: B. Torres, Engineer who monitors your program
Time sent: 1131 hours

Doctor-
Tom is just trying to curry some favor. He’s making some changes to his Fairhaven program for me. Nothing to worry about, Doctor. Your parishioners will be just fine. Keep your mind on your work, or should I come ‘tweak’ your program?
-B'Elanna 

To: B. Torres, Lieutenant with a Temper Problem
From: Chief Medical Officer, Who Handles Crew Physicals
Time sent: 1209 hours

Lieutenant-
Did I mention that it was time for your physical? Perhaps we can do a more thorough examination than usual? We can discuss it if you try to ‘tweak’ anything. However, if you’ve changed your mind, you can come to confession at the parish church. Just call me Father.
-The Doctor 

To: Tommy Boy, Out on Reprieve
From: B’Elanna, Hungering for a bite
Time sent: 1245 hours

Maybe the messhall can wait. 1900 hours then? But you need to repair Harry’s lovelife before dinner or Starfleet might show up uninvited to finish you off. What made you choose a cow? Harry’s seriously after your blood... and I’m the only one allowed to spill that. All in fun.
-B’Elanna

To: Harry, Forgiving as Ever
From: Tom, Ensign Trying to Change
Time sent: 1321 hours

Harry-
You know it was a joke. If you go to Fairhaven tonight, you’ll find your girlfriend waiting for you--dare I say with bells on? Just kidding. B’Elanna and I will meet you there after dinner and I’ll buy everyone a round of drinks. Milk, anyone?
I tweaked our bartender, so don’t be surprised when you go to the pub. Keep it between us or the Captain will have my head.
-Tom

To: Paris, Ensign who thinks he’s a Comedian
From: Harry, Ensign who won’t settle for one round
Time sent: 1411 hours

Tom-
One more joke and you’re going to pay. Be happy that I’m a forgiving man.
What did you mean you tweaked Michael? You know that being busted down to Crewman would be quite a step for you. Remember that if you feel the urge to play with my girl again.
You already owe me a pint. So I guess that’ll be two rounds of drinks.
-Harry 

To: B. Torres, Chief Engineer
From: Neelix, Morale Officer and Ambassador
Time sent: 1440 hours

B’Elanna-
I just heard a rumor that you and Tom are making a few subtle changes to Fairhaven in the interest of true love. Is it true that Commander Chakotay is ready to blow out the holodeck to stop the Captain from seeing that holographic bartender again? I’m available if you need help. The Captain just needs a gentle push in the right direction. That’s a job for the Morale Officer if there ever was one. I’ll let you know how it goes.
-Neelix 

To: Neelix, Who Had Better Keep his Mouth Shut
From: B. Torres, Who Has Things Under Control
Time sent: 1451 hours

Neelix-
Do not push the Captain in any direction or you’ll have Chakotay breathing down your neck too. I don’t know who your source is but they’d better shut their big mouth up immediately (hear that Tom?). The situation is in good hands. Just cook your food and forget that you ever heard anything.
-B'Elanna

To: Lieutenant B’Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer
From: Naomi Wildman, Captain's Assistant
Time sent: 1520 hours

Hi, Lieutenant!
Neelix asked us to keep an eye on the Captain. She’s been in her ready room for over the last four hours but she has time scheduled on the holodeck for 1830 hours. Hope that helps. I’ll report in if there’s any change.
Love, Naomi 

To: Naomi
From: B'Elanna
Time sent: 1558 hours

Naomi-
Aren't you supposed to be studying now? Does Samantha know what you're up to? Neelix shouldn’t have asked you to do this.
Remember to look innocent if you get caught.
-B'Elanna Torres 

To: B'Elanna
From: Naomi
Time sent: 1631 hours

B'Elanna-
My mom thought it was romantic. She said that it was about time for a little well-meant interference. If it means that the Captain and Commander Chakotay will finally be together then I agree. Plus, have you met that bartender. He’s gross. I can’t believe she would ever kiss him when she has Chakotay. He’s much more handsome and his dimples are cuter.
-Naomi 

To: Neelix, Ringleader for Illegal Child Labor
From: B. Torres, Horror-struck innocent witness
Time sent: 1640 hours

Neelix-
This is sick. You’re using your god-daughter to spy on our Captain? Have you lost your mind? Do you know what will happen if we’re caught? And do you have someone watching Chakotay as well? Don’t tell me you’re using Icheb? Seven will leak the info if she discovers it.
-B'Elanna 

To: B. Torres, Paranoid Plotter
From: Neelix, the Voice of Experience
Time sent: 1658 hours

Miss Torres-
Naomi is a natural, don’t worry so much. With that face she’s perfect for the job. Of course I've got someone watching the Commander, I’m not a novice. Icheb is trading off on watching the Commander with Naomi. I thought it’d be more devious to have them trade off during the shift.
Seven is no longer a security risks. I told her we were practicing covert ops, she’s the third spy on my rotation. She won't even think to confirm that Tuvok really gave her this assignment. I told her to report to Tom. Tuvok need never know. Clever of me wasn’t it? I’m manipulating Chakotay right where he needs to be to grasp the prize!
-Neelix

To: T. Paris, Ensign
From: Seven of Nine, Astrometrics
Time sent: 1710.491856 hours

Ensign Paris-
Mr. Neelix informs me that you are in charge of this stealth training mission. Though this should be under the guidance of Lieutenant Tuvok, I will comply. Attached are the activities I observed for Commander Chakotay. I am monitoring the Captain via her commbadge but I would suggest that if I injected the captain with a few appropriately modified nanites the task would be more efficiently achieved and nothing would escape our scrutiny.
-Seven 

To: Seven, Scarier than Ever
From: Tom Paris, Secret Agent Man
Time sent: 1719 hours

Seven-
Don’t question your mission. Silence is part of the task. Commander Tuvok advises complete restraint on this issue and obedience. Nanites are ill advised at this time, though I may have a few uses for them in future exercises.
Have you ever watched Mission Impossible? After this operation I suggest you study the reference. It will help set the mood for you.
-Tom 

To: T. Paris, Bipedal Mammal
From: 007, Formerly in the Queens Service
Time sent: 1728 hours

Mr. Paris-
I researched your reference and found one more to my liking, since nothing is 'impossible' for a Borg. Commander Chakotay will be at holodeck 2 at 2030 hours. The manipulation was easily achieved.
-Seven

To: Peeping Tom
From: B'Elanna, Feeling the heat from the Warp coils
Time sent: 1756 hours

Tom-
Neelix is involved thanks to you. You know he’ll blow this wide open. He’s even dragged Seven in on the scheme. She’s as subtle as a sledghammer. Those artificial breasts of hers can be spotted from any distance. We’re doomed.
How's it going, by the way? I’m dying for news.
-B'Elanna

To: B. Torres, Staying for Breakfast
From: T. Paris, Holding all the cards
Time sent: 1811 hours

B'Elanna my love-
You have to pick your tools wisely. Then find plausible deniability. I’ve covered our tracks. If we’re found out, Seven will take the fall. I thought you’d like that touch. Do you really want an update? Where’s my reward?
-Tom

To: HelmBoy, Flying Blind as Usual
From: B’Elanna, Holding a Bat’leth
Time sent: 1815 hours

Tom-
Don’t think I’m going fall into your arms just cause you offer me Seven’s head on a platter. Though that’s your best bait yet. Reward? I’ve got some new Klingon mating practises guaranteed to curl that blond hair of yours. Where’s my update?
-B'Elanna

To: B. Torres, Holder of Helmboy’s leash
From: H. Kim, Brains of the Operation
Time sent: 1820 hours

B'Elanna-
Tom asked me to fill you in on our progress. It’s been promising.
First, we’ve managed to keep our targets apart. I asked Crewman Tal to go into a crisis to distract Chakotay. Next, the Delaney twins, orchestrated a fight over Ensign Ayala in the messhall which they took to the Captain to delay her from her earlier holodeck time. Finally, I manipulated the logs so that she took an overlapping time slot with Chakotay when she rescheduled.
Chakotay thinks he will be running the holo scene he had programmed, a moonlight swim in the Jolaran Jungle of Betazed. I doubt he’ll arrive overdressed. We substituted a copy of Fairhaven for that program so he won’t interrupt the Captain who will arrive at 2000. What do you think? I can hardly wait to see what happens.
Tom really went out of his way to make Michael the bartender into a complete and unmitigated ass. The Captain will have her hands full before Chakotay arrives to rescue her.
-Harry 

To: H. Kim, Ensign Braindead
From: B. Torres, In Company of Fools
Time sent: 1830 hours

How incredibly idiotic, Harry.
Have you lost your mind? Tom is really rubbing off on you... in a bad way. You involved Tal Celes and the Delaney twins? Why not the whole ship? Jenny Delaney couldn’t keep her mouth shut unless someone had their tongue down her throat. And what’s this about Michael the bartender being a handful?
We're getting wound up, and now this? I’m ready to hunt you and Tom down just to crack your skulls. It might actually raise your IQ's a few points.
If the Captain gets in over her head, I will be coming for you. Don’t doubt it.
I’m going to Tom’s for dinner, come over and meet us before Operation Disaster is initiated.
-B'Elanna

To: Torres, Hostility Personified
From: Kim, Going into Hiding
Time sent: 1835 hours

B'Elanna-
Don’t worry so much. Tal is a sweetheart. The Delaney’s thought they were just playing a prank and Ayala was happy to take his part. Even if they figured it out, they’d think it was romantic. And as for the Captain, do you really think there’s a man--or a hologram that she couldn’t handle? Haven’t you ever seen her running around in a tank top with a phaser rifle? I still dream about that one. Whew!
-Harry

To: Harry, Take a Cold Shower
From: B'Elanna, Denting the Bulkheads with Handy Ensigns
Time sent: 1840 hours

Harry-
How did we get onto the subject of tank tops and phaser rifles? Has Ensign Vorik infected you with blood fever?
Call it off while you still can.
-B'Elanna

To: Kathryn, Captain of all she surveys
From: Chakotay, Commander who always backs her up
Time sent: 1850 hours

Kathryn-
I’m not sure how to say this without sounding paranoid. But I’d swear the crew is up to something. I’ve been getting the strangest looks and I’d swear that I had Naomi tailing me for a while today.
Now that shift is over, have you got plans this evening?
-Chakotay

To: B. Torres, Showing her Scary Klingon side
From: T. Paris, Getting Excited by it
Time sent: 1851 hours

B'Elanna-
Stop scaring Harry. He doesn’t know there’s a pussy cat behind that tiger-like exterior.
Michael is easily stopped, though maybe I shouldn’t have disengaged the safety protocols and the comm system inside the holodeck. At least I had Seven do the encrypting of the trail. Candles are lit, and dinner is hot. Coming?
-Tom

To: Tom Paris, Brave and Stupid
From: B'Elanna Torres, Woman with a Mission
Time sent: 1855 hours

Tom-
A pussy cat? My pet targ ate a cat for lunch one time.
You disengaged what? If this ever gets out, we’ll be lucky to be cleaning plasma conduits for the rest of our miserable lives.
Is dinner the only thing that’s hot?
-B'Elanna 

To: All crew (except Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay)
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant
Time sent: 1900 hours

I am aware of an unusual amount of interest in the private lives of our senior officers. This will cease immediately. Speculation on the affairs of the Captain and the Commander will not be aired publicly. Any relationship developed by or between ships officers remain the private concern of the individuals involved.
-Tuvok 

To: Chakotay, Mr. Irresistible
From: Kathryn, Ms. Take Charge
Time sent: 1910

Chakotay,
Naomi wouldn’t be the first girl to fall for those killer dimples of yours. Maybe you should get a license to handle them around single females. No one is immune.
I’m afraid I do have plans, but maybe we can meet later? How about a nightcap?
-Kathryn

To: B. Torres, Late again
From: T. Paris, Thrown for a loop
Time sent: 1919 hours

B’Elanna-
Do you think Tuvok means that it would be acceptable for the Captain and the Commander to get together?
-Tom

To: T. Paris, Sharp as a Photon Torpedo
From: B. Torres, Surprised as Hell
Time sent: 1924 hours

Tom-
That’s my take on it too. Who’d have thought it!
Be there in a few. I’m just waiting for my shock to subside.
- B'Elanna

To: Tom & B’Elanna, Safety in Numbers
From: Harry, Running Scared
Time sent: 1949 hours

Tom-
Make room at the table. I’m too nervous to wait for the bomb to drop. Tuvok must’ve flipped out to say what he did.
The crew is in full panic mode.
-Harry 

To: Kathryn, Delta Quadrant's favorite sweetheart
From: Chakotay, Adoring as always
Time sent: 1950 hours

Kathryn-
Your place or mine?
-Chakotay

To: Chakotay, Needs a new pickup line
From: Kathryn, Educator of Men
Time sent: 1951 hours

How about mine? You pick up the brandy and I’ll set the mood.
-Kathryn 

To: Harry, Shaken but not stirred
From: T. Paris, Watching romantic evening get vaporized
Time sent: 1955 hours

Harry-
Too late to stop it now. Look up, chicken little--the sky is falling.
Bring your own replicator rations. Tonight we’ll be merry cause tomorrow we’re dead.
-Tom

To: Paris
From: Neelix
Time sent: 1956 hours

The Captain is approaching the holodeck doors. Unless we have a red alert, the game is started.
-Neelix

To: Paris, Romantic at Heart
From: Naomi, It’s past my bedtime
Time sent: 2032 hours

Tom-
The Commander has just entered the holodeck. It’s out of our hands now, Tom. Cross your fingers.
-Naomi

To: Senior staff
From: K. Janeway, Captain
Time sent: 0300 hours

To all interested crewmen,
It has come to my attention that you obviously have too much free time on your hands. Tuvok will be running full diagnostics and battle simulations for the next week. All holodeck priveledges will be suspended for the duration.

Until further notice, Fairhaven’s pub has been closed due to injuries the owner and bartender received in an altercation while the programs safety settings were offline.

Commander Chakotay and I will be unavailable over this period as we will be spending some much needed vacation time in the Jolaran Jungle of Betazed.
-Kathryn Janeway

P.S. You all have received bonus replicator rations to have a little celebration--off shift of course--on us. Thank you, people. 

To: Senior Staff (except Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay)
From: Tuvok, Lieutenant
Time sent: 0600 hours

At 0800 hours we will review the covert operations you staged over the last twenty-four hours. You showed great initiative and resourcefulness but mistakes were made. A tactical analysis of methodology and planning will be assigned to Ensign Paris and Ensign Kim. B’Elanna Torres and Seven will cover the technical aspects of the mission. Commendations on a successful exercise will be placed in your records.
-Lieutenant Tuvok

End

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