Identity

 By Autopilot

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything.

Rated R

Kathryn sat down on her couch brushing her hair and staring sightlessly at the active monitor. She’d just finished her personal log for a rather routine day on Voyager. Their travels had taken them through a peaceful and friendly section of space and her crew was enjoying the respite. They were making some necessary repairs to the ship and she had released the crew to a more relaxed shift rotation schedule.

She blinked suddenly when the screen blanked itself as the monitor put itself into a low power mode. Kathryn studied her reflection in the darkened screen and saw a middle-aged stranger. Kathryn sighed and reached for her coffee cup. She had to throw off this absurd melancholy! She took a sip of coffee and grimaced at its bitterness. She’d been lost in thought long enough for her cup of coffee to cool. She sat the cup down carefully and activated her personal logs.

Her voice was hesitant, though she made this request every year on this particular day. "Computer display a list of personal logs from five years ago." The computer obediently scrolled a list of dates. Kathryn stared at the dates broodingly for a minute before her hand slowly reached out and activated the audio only for one particular date. She sat back on the couch smoothing her dressing gown over her knees as her voice filled the room.

 

"I was on a food cataloguing trek today when my little primate friend joined me. We were having quite a conversation as I explained to him about my curious activities. When I had finished classifying an immature grain that I think might transplant nicely to my garden, I told my friend that it was time that I returned home so that Chakotay wouldn’t worry. It suddenly struck me—I had called this place home.

When did this place go from being my prison and become my home? When was the last time I had thought of the ship? The plasma storm that destroyed my research equipment was a beginning I suppose, however inadvertently. After all, it had ended my hope of finding a cure to the illness that had stranded the two of us on this planet, and had forced me to accept that we will never leave."

Her sigh was audible in the log. "No, it was later…after Chakotay and I cleaned up the mess the storm left behind. Chakotay had finally expressed the fact that he was attracted to me...that he loved me." Her voice expressed her chagrin, "Maybe he could tell me because he accepted our incarceration and all it’s implications sooner than I did. It was finally sinking in that we could freely explore the desire that had been between us from the moment we laid eyes on each other.

Chakotay accepted the change and started his new life with an unbelievable sense of peace. He makes even the most difficult circumstance seem the most natural and suitable path. He’s incredible that way, really."

"I," she stressed the word, "on the other hand felt trapped and disloyal to Mark—disloyal because of my attraction to a man who was not my fiancé. Now, the guilt has faded and the trap has become my path to freedom. You know, when I shut my eyes I can’t picture Mark now. Oh, I can recall his smile, his eyes, or how his hair fell across his forehead sometimes, but it’s disjointed. I wonder whether my feelings for him were that shallow or is this part of accepting my life here? I know I’ll never see him again, and I hope his life will be happy. Even if I could have the chance to see him again, my experiences on Voyager and here on the planet have changed me. I’m not the woman I was when we became engaged; our relationship could never work now." Her voice trailed off softly for a moment before continuing more briskly. "It’s time. Time to get on with my life…my life here with Chakotay."

She laughed, "You know my heart feels like it could lift me up off the ground right now. I’m free! No more Captain Janeway. I never knew how liberating that could be. No more chain of command. No more protocol, and now no more parameters!"

She halted suddenly and when she continued her voice was soft and rushed. "I hear Chakotay coming. I’ll finish this later. Right now, I’m going back to my gardening and maybe I’ll see if Chakotay and I can find some time to talk about those parameters!"

 

Kathryn slowly returned to the present, absently reaching up to wipe away her tears as the audio playback ended. There had been no later. There had been no Kathryn and Chakotay. Chakotay had taken her into the shelter to show her the schematics of a boat he was planning on building. While they were laughing and making plans for a leisurely trip together down the river they had heard the crackle of the communicators. It silenced them both—sobered them both. Chakotay had picked up their discarded communicators and had laid them down in front of her as if he were handing her the decision for their future. She had taken a deep breath and had answered Tuvok’s hail, already feeling the burdensome weight of responsibility. Kathryn knew she was sacrificing her future with Chakotay and her burgeoning freedom on the altar of duty.

So many years had passed and each year she faced this day with trepidation. Some anniversaries never became easier to face. Each year reminded her of the loss…of what she could have had. She might have had him, his children and a home by now. Instead she had duty and friendship. Duty was the responsibility she couldn’t find release from.

"Who am I?" She asked herself.

She looked around her quarters—so neat and impersonal; she rarely spent time here. Her ready room had more personality! She hadn’t bothered personalizing her quarters after her return from New Earth. Is this my home? She stood and began pacing. She restlessly picked up books and photos she had out—photos of the crew at Prixin, another of her and Chakotay in the monochrome environment of Captain Proton, and others…so many photos of the man she still loved.

Did I leave my home behind on that planet? She shook her head angrily. "This is nonsense," she thought as she saw her haggard face in the mirror. Aloud she said, "I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager." Her voice was rough as she finished. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I am Kathryn Janeway, Captain of…" her voice trailed off. She looked at herself silently for a moment before she threw the picture she still held at the mirror, but the destruction or her reflection did not relieve her turmoil. Kathryn whirled away from the wreckage of the mirror, unable to face her loss of control. The conflict inside of her was shattering her into as many pieces as the mirror scattered across the floor. The door chime sounded loud in the silence. Kathryn tightened the belt of her dressing gown, trying to compose herself and called out briskly, "Come."

Chakotay entered tentatively. "Kathryn?" His voice was worried. "Are you all right? I heard a crash and I was concerned. Everything okay?" He looked beyond her and saw the wreckage of the mirror and glass strewn around it.

Kathryn straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. "I’m fine, Commander. I just had a…" She took a step backwards and yelped as her bare foot came down on a shard of glass.

Chakotay moved forward quickly to scoop her up in his arms before he carried her to the couch.

"Let me see Kathryn, " he said as he knelt to inspect her injured heel. Apparently it wasn’t serious because he smiled. "It’s just a splinter of glass." He plucked it out deftly and laid it to one side on the table. "Let me help clean up this mess since I’m the only one who’s wearing shoes and is still uninjured." He was grinning as he glanced up and caught the look on her face.

Kathryn swallowed hard. Her vulnerability and his closeness were having devastating results. She knew her face was showing every emotion she had suppressed over the intervening years.

His face displayed his caution as he asked in a carefully neutral voice, "Kathryn?"

He started to rise but Kathryn’s hand stopped him. She looked at him and asked in a soft voice. "Chakotay. Who am I?" At his apparent confusion she added, "Is there anything preserved of me? Is the Captain all that remains?"

He heard her pleading voice and was astounded. Kathryn had never displayed this level of self-doubt before. He gave her a tender smile and took her hand in his. "When duty demands it—you are the Captain, but to me you are always Kathryn. The Captain is just one part of you. Just like Kathryn the pool shark, or Kathryn the coffee fanatic, or even the incredibly popular Queen Arachnia. I have to say my favorite is Kathryn my friend, the woman who I trust with my life. You are more than duty or a title. You are a woman of determination and great caring. This crew knows we will succeed in returning home—not because of your strength of mind alone—but because your concern and support will be there to help them make the journey with you."

Kathryn squeezed her eyes closed to hide her tears as she listened to his loving words and held his hand tighter. Once again she was reminded of exactly why she had wanted to spend her life with him.

Chakotay saw the tears streak down her cheeks as she kept her eyes shut. "Kathryn, I’m here. Let me help." His free hand squeezed her knee.

Kathryn opened her eyes to look into his warm brown eyes. "Oh Chakotay," her voice was husky, "there are some days when the sacrifices we’ve made are too heavy a burden."

He leaned forward intently, "Then let me share the burden Kathryn. You are never alone! I will always be right here to help you."

Kathryn freed her hand from his to gently touch his cheek. "You do share this burden, Chakotay, just as you share the sacrifice. When we returned to Voyager from New Earth we both took up our duty and let the requirements of command define our lives. Now…" She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath. "Now, I can’t remember what is left. I abandoned Kathryn and only the Captain remains."

Chakotay pulled her to him to smother her words—her pain—with his kiss.

Kathryn kissed him back desperately.

When the kiss started to escalate, Chakotay held her away from him and said raggedly, "Kathryn, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, but to hear you talk like this…it’s too much." He forced her to meet his eyes. "I refuse to accept it, Kathryn. I refuse to accept that the woman I’ve loved all these years has disappeared. She wasn’t forsaken because of our decision to fulfill our promise to this crew. She was affirmed by it!" He gave Kathryn a soft shake. "There was no other decision we could have made, Kathryn. We are a part of this family. We just had an extended vacation together and that gave us the opportunity to be free for a while. Just Chakotay and Kathryn." He kissed her softly and smiled into her startled eyes. "It gave me the chance to admit how much I love you. I cherish that time in our journey together, just as I cherish every day I spend working with the woman I love and the family we have here on this ship."

Kathryn smiled and relaxed into his arms. "Thank you, Chakotay." Her fingers stroked his cheek and caressed his ear. "You always know the words I need to hear." She traced his tattoo and watched his eyes darken. "Every day since we’ve left New Earth I’ve had only one regret. I never told you that I wanted to redefine some parameters." Her voice was teasing as her fingers threaded through his dark hair. He closed his eyes and savored her caress.

Kathryn leaned in to whisper in his ear, "I wanted to tell you there would be no more walls between us, Chakotay."

He shuddered at the feel of her hot breath in his ear. Her nearness always affected him, but this was like a fulfillment of his wildest fantasies.

She continued softly. "It would just be Kathryn and Chakotay—falling deeply…" She kissed his ear, "desperately," she nipped his ear lobe and trailed kisses along his jaw. "In love." She kissed him voraciously.

Chakotay shook himself free of his amazement and gathered Kathryn into his arms again. Kathryn groaned as he met her hunger with his own. She wrapped her legs around him as he knelt in front of her and pulled him closer. She needed to have him buried inside her! God, she wanted to crawl inside his skin, she was so frantic. It had been too long in coming.

Chakotay growled deep in his throat when Kathryn wrapped herself around him. He surged up lifting Kathryn with him. His hands glided up her legs to cup her buttocks. He groaned and lifted her higher until he buried his face between her breasts where her robe had fallen open. He breathed in her scent through her silk nightgown, "Kathryn," he panted.

She knew he was asking her what she wanted. She knew he needed to know if her desire was in accord with his. "Yes, Chakotay. Yes." She removed her arms from around his neck and staring into his eyes she slipped her robe from her shoulders. She kissed him as she slowly slithered down the length of his body.

Chakotay slid his hands up her arms to the thin spaghetti straps of her midnight blue silk nightgown. He pushed the straps down gently with his thumbs, following their progress with his lips and his tongue. His mouth retraced the path to the hollow of her throat as his hands trailed the falling silk down her body. Chakotay’s touch lingered, stroking the smoothness of her back, the curve of her waist, up her ribcage, and just skimmed the sides of her breasts. Kathryn’s breath caught in her throat as her body melted against him. She looked into his hot eyes as he caressed her silky hair, and her hands stilled where they were unbuttoning his shirt.

"I love you." Their voices sounded in unison and they shared a smile. Their lips met in a lingering kiss.

Kathryn awoke alone and disoriented. For a panicked moment she wondered if it had all been a dream until she heard his soft voice in the next room.

"Akoochemoya…" was the only word that was discernible. She smiled and pulled the pillow that his head had rested upon to her face. Kathryn breathed deeply to catch his scent and she sighed happily. Tonight had been incredible… incomparable… unforgettable. She knew she would never give him up. They belonged together now, body and soul. She drifted there in her own contentment until she heard his soft laugh. She rolled away from the pillow to smile at him where he stood watching her from the doorway.

Chakotay walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. She looked up at him, her hand resting on his bare muscular thigh. Her voice was husky with desire. "Come back to bed, my love."

He smiled in the starlight, "Kathryn, I love you." His voice was deeper in his contentment.

Kathryn’s only reply was to snake a hand up, drawing him down, kissing him and pulling his body into contact with hers.

Who am I? I am Kathryn…captain, friend, and lover.

 

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