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Rated PG-13
Feedback? Oh yes please. Autopilot
"Paris to Chakotay." Tom’s voice broke the silence of Chakotay’s dark quarters. Chakotay groaned and sat up from where he had fallen asleep on his couch. He directed his voice to the comm system, "What is it Tom?" He knew his voice was terse from exhaustion.
"Chakotay, sorry about this, man. I know you just finished a double shift but I think you need to come down to Holodeck two." Tom tried to convey with his voice how important this was.
Chakotay sighed, and rubbed his face with his hands. "Okay, Tom. Give me half an hour to shower and grab some coffee." Chakotay stood and padded towards his bathroom throwing a loose shirt over his shoulder.
Tom’s voice stopped him. "Chakotay, you’d better skip the shower and come down here immediately. Believe me, you won’t want this to wait."
Chakotay shrugged his shoulders into his shirt, grabbed his commbadge off the table and headed for the doors. "Understood Tom, I’m on my way now."
Tom let his breath out in a rush. "Thank God!" he said in heartfelt relief. He turned back to the holodeck doors to look at the name of the program that was currently running… ‘N.E.-Janeway-one.’
Chakotay rounded the final corner and saw Tom standing near the doors to the holodeck trying to look at ease. However, his Captain Proton clothing made him stick out.
"Another chapter for you and Buster tonight, Tom?" Chakotay looked around and smiled, "I don’t see Harry! I’m flattered, Tom, but I’ll throw you in the brig if you dragged me out here to take his place."
Tom was already shaking his head. "I called Harry to postpone our time tonight." At Chakotay’s raised eyebrows, Tom continued, "I got here a bit early to make some additions to the program to surprise Harry and I found…that the holodeck was still occupied."
Chakotay was surprised at the worry on Tom’s face. He hadn’t seen him look this uncomfortable since he’d had to face an angry Klingon warrior with a bat’leth.
"Tom, I can tell you didn’t call me down here to reprimand someone for pushing you out of your time slot. Why don’t you tell me the real problem? Is it B’Elana?" Chakotay put his hand on Tom’s shoulder, "You know the Doctor warned you that she would have mood swings during her pregnancy."
Tom took a deep breath, "No, Chakotay, I wish it were only that. I did schedule tonight so B’Elana could have a bit of time to herself to cool off but that’s no big deal. No it’s…the Captain." Tom swallowed hard as he saw Chakotay’s sudden tension.
"The Captain had the holodeck scheduled before me, but she should have been gone hours ago. When I got here, I tried to contact her but she had the privacy locks engaged and she didn’t respond."
Chakotay grabbed Tom’s arms. "Why didn’t you call Tuvok? She could be in trouble." He almost shoved Tom away from him and turned to the doors.
"Chakotay," Tom’s voice and his hand on Chakotay’s arm halted him. "Chakotay," his voice softened, "I overrode the locks with my emergency medical clearance. I was afraid something had happened to her, but when I checked… well she’s okay physically." Tom’s voice was quiet and full of his discomfort at what he had to say. "But I think she needs more than Tuvok right now…I think she needs her best friend."
Chakotay nodded and looked over his shoulder at Tom. "Thanks, Paris, I owe you. Let’s keep this quiet, okay?" What he saw on Tom’s face reassured him that this wouldn’t end up being discussed all over the ship. He squeezed Tom’s hand, which was still on his arm and gently removed it. "You can have my time slot on the holodeck tomorrow, Tom. Thanks again." He turned back to look at the holodeck doors. "Computer, disengage the privacy lock and open the doors to Holodeck Two, authorization, Chakotay beta-four-one-two." He entered when the doors opened, leaving Tom and the rest of the world behind.
He found himself in a moonlit clearing near a standard Starfleet shelter with a small garden nearby. He took a deep breath smelling the faint scent of the river. So, she had remembered New Earth, down to the air, and even the bathtub he’d built for her. He walked over and ran his hand over the tub remembering the hours he’d spent on this surprise for her. He’d loved the look on her face when she saw it. She had been ecstatic and definitely touched by his gift. She hadn’t known until then how much every desire of hers had meant to him. He hadn’t really known it himself.
He turned towards the shelter knowing she would be inside. Even with all the attention to details, he knew Kathryn still would prefer the shelter to the glories of the outdoors.
When he entered, the main living area looked as it had during their time together. Not the bare, lifeless shell they had left behind. His sand painting materials and one unfinished painting were all laid out as if waiting for him to sit down. He didn’t see any of Kathryn’s scientific equipment. Instead her painting supplies were laid out near a canvas, partially obscured by a drape. He slowly pulled it away to find it was a completed portrait of Kathryn and him seated beside her garden. She was reclining on one elbow and he was resting on one hand looking down at her upturned face. He had known Kathryn was talented, but she had captured so much emotion on their faces, even he was amazed.
He heard a soft sound and looked towards the living quarters. He covered the painting before going quietly through the door. Inside these rooms, everything had been changed. The partition that had separated his bed from Kathryn’s was absent and instead of two single beds, he found one large one with Kathryn’s form curled upon it. The moonlight from the window revealed that her eyes were swollen from crying, her eyelashes were spiky with tears, and there were dried teartracks on her cheeks. He’d never seen her look so sad, and yet so beautiful. Near her outstretched hand lay a padd that was still activated. He moved closer and could hear the soft hiccup of her breathing. She must have cried for a long time.
Chakotay leaned over to move the padd aside so he could sit beside her, when his eyes were caught by his name. The first line of what looked to be a letter leapt out at him. Perhaps it was a log, or just the whispers of her heart that had driven Kathryn to tears, but he knew he had to read it now.
Chakotay,
Why am I left with only this yearning?
I wonder if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you? Time keeps slipping by and I realize all the opportunities I’ve missed.
I long to ask you…why didn’t you ever wrap those strong arms around me? Why didn’t you ever kiss me breathless? Why didn’t I get to learn the contrast of your skin against mine? Why didn’t I see our legs tangled together against the soft sheets?
I ache to discover…If you loved me, why didn’t you try harder? Push further? Dare to cross those boundaries?
I yearn to ask you…will this feeling—left so unresolved—be my only memory of us? Will I be left with unanswered questions, unrequited feelings? Will I be plagued with all the might-have-been’s?
I long. I wonder. Oh God, the pain, it is relentless!
How do you cross self-imposed boundaries? How do you breach the walls of time? Is there no recourse for a love unreconciled? Is there no future for a passion unexpressed?
I hunger. I need. I wait in this agony.
At night, I dream of us. Your arms, your love, your passion engulfs me. I wake to find only me, and tears. As the days pass you come to dominate my mind’s eye more and more. Is there no remedy for this tyranny of one? Is there no exorcism for your oblivious possession? My soul is not my own, you have stolen it from me. Your theft will be left uncensured and unconvicted.
I desire. I weep under the yoke of my chained heart. Tortured by the very love that is uncontrolled, inescapable, and unvoiced. There is no more terrible a fate than the one that I have built for myself. Even now, I am afraid to look into your eyes. Will you see only my fetters and not my love? Or worse, will I see that you too, are bound in a heartbreak as great as mine?
My voice is mute even as my heart screams for you. So I am held helpless enthralled by my feelings, silenced by hopelessness and fear. Unable to find you in this jungle that was once my life, I yearn and I wait and I weep.
Chakotay felt his throat close as he finished reading. He didn’t know if she would ever forgive him for seeing her private writing, but he couldn’t erase his discovery. He wouldn’t even if her could. He set the padd aside and looked at her. Great Spirits, how he loved this tiny, vulnerable, fiery woman!
Chakotay lay down slowly beside her before reaching out to brush the hair away from her face. He whispered her name as he caressed her cheek. Her drowsy eyes opened slowly as she snuggled closer to his chest. Suddenly he felt her body stiffen before she rolled away from him almost violently. Her body language spoke of her outrage.
"Kathryn." He said softly holding out a hand to her.
"You’d better have a good explanation for being here, Chakotay," she practically spit the words out at him, her voice filled with venom.
"Kathryn," he sat up on the bed, but kept his voice gentle. "You have been here for hours, and you ran over your time slot. You weren’t responding to the comm system. I was concerned."
Kathryn blushed as she ran her hands through her hair. Good lord, he would have to find her here, of all places, of all the programs. She was visibly trying to pull herself together. She finally met his eyes again; "I’m fine Commander, thank you for your concern. I’m afraid I fell asleep. I’m sorry if I ran over into your holodeck time. We can discuss this tomorrow. It’s late, and I know you pulled a double shift to cover my time off today." She turned and walked rapidly for the door.
"I saw the padd, Kathryn." He said determinedly. She wasn’t going to walk away without facing this.
Kathryn froze in her tracks as if pinned there.
"I love you Kathryn. We don’t have to live in this hell any longer. We can change things, we can finally build a life here…together, Kathryn." He was almost hoarse with his need to convince her. He had to break down this shield of hers.
Kathryn didn’t turn, but she said in an angry, almost tearful voice. "That was a private message Chakotay. You had no right…"
He had moved quietly closer to her, until he was standing just behind her. "Kathryn," he interrupted, "I didn’t intend to read it. My name at the top caught my attention, and those things needed to be expressed. We need to say some of those things to each other, Kathryn. " His hands settled onto her shoulders. "You will never be alone. As long as I live, I will love you." He turned her to face him.
Her eyes were closed, trying to staunch the tears that seemed to overwhelm her. "Chakotay," her voice was thick with emotion. "The same obstacles exist as before."
His hands tightened on her shoulders. "But now we have both admitted our feelings, Kathryn. The genie cannot be put back into the bottle." He gave her a gentle shake. "You know protocols and regulations can’t hold when weighed against that." Her jaw set stubbornly.
"Kathryn, we have no idea how long our journey may be. Don’t condemn us to continue in this torment, this half-life based upon rules set for another quadrant." He felt her stiffen again…maybe Kathryn needed to get what she wished for.
Chakotay pulled her to his chest with almost bruising force. She tried to pull back, her eyes wide open with surprise. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her until he felt her arms move up to clasp around his neck. He kissed her until they were both shaking. Kathryn felt as if her knees would not support her. She savored the desire he provoked.
"Kathryn," he forced her look into his eyes, "to hell with Starfleet. I love you, and you can’t tell me you don’t feel the same." He kissed her again ruthlessly before pulling back to grate out, "Tell me the truth, damnit!" Her mouth opened and he saw tears pooling in her eyes and he knew she was going to deny herself again.
His fingers ground into her shoulders. "Tell me you love me!"
She shook her head mutely.
He shook her again gently. "I’m not letting you hide behind those lies again Kathryn." He kissed her as if his life depended upon it…and maybe this time it did. He pulled back, "No more lonely nights Kathryn. No more regrets. No more walls!"
Kathryn stared up at him in a daze. Here was her angry warrior. She opened her mouth to deny herself happiness again, but said instead, "I love you." He gaped at her for a second before crushing her to him again. His kiss didn’t hold back any of his longing or his desire to make her completely his own. Kathryn’s hands were frenzied as she pulled at his clothing. A dam had burst inside her, and seven years of longing had culminated in this explosion of need.
Chakotay grabbed her hands forcefully and held her away from him. "No more holding back, Kathryn. No more barriers between us—period. You’re mine now and I’m not ever going to let you push me away again."
Kathryn’s smile was more radiant than any he’d ever seen from her as she slowly reached up to pull his head down to hers. Her lips no longer denied her love and desire; now they joined with Chakotay’s eagerly accepting the promise of their future together.