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Home is Where the Heart Is
Rated NC17
Chakotay walked down the middle of the tree-lined street. Deep in thought, he was oblivious to the shouts and laughter of the children who were playing in the park as he passed. As he walked he shifted his travel bag from one shoulder to the other, and hoped for about the 50th time since leaving the transporter pad, that this wasn’t a mistake.
Only one way to find out for sure, he thought to himself as he approached the house. He didn’t have to look at the number to know. He recognized the house even though he’d never been there. Chakotay gazed at it a good long time. Yes, it was amazing. There was only one small difference between the real house and the holo simulation he’d seen innumerable times. There had been a plaque, which read simply ‘Janeway’ on the holo-house. In its place on the real Janeway home was a discolored patch the same size and shape. The sign obviously having been taken down recently to afford some sense of anonymity for the resident who only three months ago had returned a hero. The old tan house didn’t stand out among its neighbors. All the homes in this area were hundreds of years old and all of them were in remarkable shape.
Chakotay took in a deep breath and for the first time noted his surroundings. On the holodeck, Kathryn had only programmed as far out as the front yard, so he’d never seen the neighborhood where she’d grown up. He was extremely familiar with the porch which ran the length of the house and the garden which surrounded it. Still, he took his time as he looked the place over.
When he found himself fascinated by the old-fashioned weather vane on the house next door, Chakotay knew he was stalling. Indian men are referred to as braves, and not cowards for a reason, he chided himself.
Steeling himself, he climbed the porch steps and quickly pressed the doorbell. As he waited, a rustling noise off to the left caught his attention. While he didn’t see the source of the noise, he smiled when he saw a coffee cup, much like Kathryn’s favorite, sitting on the arm of a chair in the corner.
He was so deep in thought, that the friendly voice saying, “Hi, what can I do for you?” startled him. He turned to find a very pregnant woman at the door. She looked enough like Kathryn that had it not been for her pregnancy he could have mistaken one for the other.
His smile widened. “You must be Phoebe.”
As Chakotay’s smile grew bigger, Phoebe's disappeared altogether when she caught sight of the tattoo on his temple.
“That’s right,” she said, with a distinct air of coolness that hadn’t been there when he had been standing with his tribal marking hidden from her view.
“And you are…?” she asked not letting on that she knew damn well the identity of the tall, dark and handsome man standing at the door.
“Chakotay. I’m Chakotay," he said as he extended his hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
She made no reply, nor did she take his hand. She merely glared at him
An uncomfortable silence grew between them. Men were so gullible. If he really believed that she’d never heard of him, then he didn’t really know Kathryn Janeway. Oh yeah, I've heard a lot about you too. Jerk, she thought. You and your blonde Borg bimbette.
“I was hoping to see Kathryn,” he said quietly.
“Oh, I’m sorry, but Kathryn is out just now.” Phoebe tried to sound sincere, but even she doubted that she really appeared sorry.
He stared at Phoebe. This was something he’d failed to even consider. He’d run this scenario in his mind a dozen times since deciding to make this trip. The visit had always gone differently. Sometimes good, but mostly bad. There were even times when it ended indifferently, but she’d always been there to receive him when he’d arrived.
“N… not home?” he stammered softly.
“No, I’m afraid not,” she shook her head. “I do wish you’d sent a transmission before coming all this way. I know Kathryn would have wanted to see you, but she had an early dinner da… umm, appointment and won’t be home for several hours.”
Phoebe delivered the final blow with her best ‘gee isn’t it pathetic to be you’ voice. “I’m sorry you wasted your time coming all the way out here, but I’ll be happy to tell her you came by.”
Chakotay considered this for a moment. Could he really go on his way without seeing her? And if he left before she got back, would her sister even relay the message? There was just a hint of the Janeway self-satisfied smirk on her face. Would she even bother to tell Kathryn he’d come to see her, he wondered.
“Would you mind if I waited? I’d really like to speak with Kathryn,” he said trying to sound nonchalant.
Phoebe looked irritated. “Suit yourself, but it could be hours.”
Chakotay smiled weakly. “I don’t mind waiting, and as her first officer, I’ve seen her deal with her business quickly and efficiently. Perhaps she’ll be home earlier than expected.
“Mr. Chakotay,” she began slowly, like she was talking to an imbecile. “This… appointment is… personal in nature. She usually returns quite late.
“A date?”
“I really can’t answer that. I’m sure you know just as well as anyone how much Kathryn values her privacy, " Phoebe responded to the question he hadn’t even realized he’d asked aloud. “You’re welcome to wait,” she said indicating the swing on the porch. “I guess you could get lucky, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
They stood looking at each other. A stand off.
“Thank you,” he said after a moment. “But I suppose I’ll just be on my way.”
Phoebe nodded. “I understand and I’ll let Kathryn know that you were looking for her.”
“Sure,” he said numbly. “It was nice to meet…" but before he could finish the sentiment the door clicked shut.
“…You,” he continued to the closed door. He sighed. Well it was obvious to him from the treatment he’d received that Kathryn had barely mentioned him. It was even more apparent that when she spoken of him, she’d never given her sister a reason to believe he was any more special to her than any other crewmember.
“The hell with this,” he muttered picking up his bag. He walked down the steps and began to stalk towards the transport station. He was no more than a house away when he stopped dead in his tracks. Squeezing his eyes shut, he urged himself to calm down. He’d come this far and he’d been ‘this’ close. Could he really walk away and let it end like this now?
He knew the answer before he’d really even asked himself the question.
He would wait.
Returning to the porch steps he settled himself on the highest one. There would be no way she could miss him when she returned.
As Chakotay waited, he took a look around the neighborhood where Kathryn Janeway had grown up. It was an old fashioned area full of big houses with nice lawns. Several of the homes had big porches like the one he was sitting on. The street was tree lined, and the centerpiece of the area was definitely the park he had passed. In it the children ran wild while adults sat on benches or stood in small groups talking. He couldn’t help but think of Kathryn playing in that same park as a child. In his mind he tried to picture her, a tiny redheaded whirlwind of activity. He smiled as he though to himself of a bitty Kathryn as she ordered the other kids around. He pictured her with her hands on her hips yelling ‘engage’ at the other kids on the merry-go-round.
Kathryn had told him that this was the house where she’d been born so he knew that she’d played in that park for a number of years. The smile slid from his face as he wondered how old she’d been when she’d stopped going there. How old she was when she’d adopted her ‘captain’s mask’.
As the daughter of an Admiral, he assumed she’d abandoned that park a good amount of time before the other children in the area. He knew from their conversations on Voyager that she’d played tennis in addition to her studies, and that she’d taken the sport as seriously as anything else. Even going as far as denying herself the most basic things when she’d lost her matches.
Denying herself. Chakotay sighed once more. That infuriating trait seemed to be as much a part of her personality as any of the components he loved or admired.
His mind turned in comparison to Seven. She’d never had a chance to deny herself anything. The Borg had done that for her. Now she was anxious to experience everything. To deny herself nothing. She bit into her new life in the Alpha Quadrant with gusto and relish. She was so lovely and had become so full of life. So different from the drone who had made his flesh crawl when he’d first met her. Made different by none other than Captain Kathryn Janeway herself. Chakotay thought it a bitter irony that the mentor chose to deny herself the very same aspects of humanity that she had helped the student recover. It was almost as if Kathryn needed liberating from herself, but she’d resisted his every attempt.
How? How was it that he found himself in this situation? Wanting to go forward with his life but not able to get beyond the possibilities that had flickered in the past. He was unable to commit fully to Seven despite all of the wonderful qualities he’d come to discover in her. Qualities that could help lead to a serious relationship between the two of them. He knew that there was just one reason he couldn’t move forward, but it was a big one.
Kathryn Janeway. He simply couldn’t begin a new life unless he was sure there was no hope for the one he’d always imagined he’d have with his Kathryn.
And that was why he was sitting on the front porch of her mother’s home waiting for her. He needed to purge her from his heart before he could give it to someone else. To Seven.
Chakotay had been in a fledgling relationship with the former Borg drone which had begun in the final months of Voyager’s stay in the Delta Quadrant. It had started simply enough when he’d realized he could actually handle being in her presence without wanting to blow her out of an airlock. Well actually, there’d been no airlock when they'd been stranded together on that primitive planet after their shuttle crashed. At the time, he found he actually didn’t want to kill her. Then back on board the ship, and a couple of chance meetings in the messhall later, he found he actually enjoyed her company. By the fourth date they were sharing their first kiss and just days later they were back in the Alpha Quadrant. Things had moved at warp speed in more ways than one.
Chakotay had seen almost nothing of Kathryn during the debriefings and when he did it was always in an official capacity. The time spent detained at Starfleet headquarters had moved slowly. He was allowed to socialize for short periods with some of the crew in the Starfleet medical cafeteria. Seven had been among them. Kathryn had not.
Then one day, just as abruptly as they’d arrived in the Alpha Quadrant, they’d all been told they were free to leave. Seven had come to him then, telling him that she had also been released and hoped that they could continue to develop the relationship they had begun onboard Voyager. As they left, hand in hand, that very afternoon, he’d looked for Kathryn but never saw her. He looked back longingly at the building that had housed them for the last two weeks, then went forward into his new life.
Or so he’d thought.
He knew now that Kathryn had been detained a full two weeks longer than the rest of the crew and by the time she’d been cleared to leave he was already visiting his homeworld Dorvan V. Chakotay was so happy seeing the life his younger sister had made for herself. Meeting nephews and a niece he hadn’t even known he’d had until he’d gotten letters from his sister via the Midas array. Seven had accompanied him while he visited his sister and her family and they had been inseparable. Even so, they had only progressed so far in their relationship.
A couple of days after their return from Dorvan, Seven brought up the subject of, as she put it, their becoming “intimately involved.” It was then he realized that although he was attracted to her and enjoyed her company immensely, he wasn’t ready to take that step. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why. In the past he’d had no trouble jumping into bed with women he’d been even less comfortable with, even women he downright disliked he was ashamed to admit to himself. Seska was proof of that.
While he struggled to find something to say, Seven picked up on his dilemma. She tried not to show her hurt, but he saw it. He didn’t want to upset her but he knew he had. He stammered his way through as accurate an explanation as he could, given that he himself didn’t know what was keeping him from taking her where she stood.
In the end he was just honest with her and told her that he didn’t know why, but he wasn’t ready to take that step. Her reaction stunned him.
“Commander,” she said. She sometimes slipped and called him by his rank rather than his name. It made him smile. “Perhaps your feelings for the captain are making it difficult for you to enjoy all aspects of our relationship.”
They spoke for hours with Chakotay first denying that he had any feelings for Kathryn. Later he told her that his feelings for her were all in the past. By the end of the conversation, Chakotay admitted to both Seven and himself that he had no idea how he felt about Kathryn Janeway anymore. Too many lines had been blurred, too many things left unsaid between them. And after he’d admitted that, it was obvious to the both of them that he needed to sort out his feelings before he could advance their relationship.
Seven had been offered an interview on Vulcan but had also been pondering a career with Starfleet. She decided, during the course of this conversation, that it was a good idea to leave Chakotay to his thoughts and that there was no better time than the present to arrange time away for the meeting.
With her usual efficiency, she planned a hasty trip to Vulcan to meet the founders of the company interested in her. She planned to begin her trip with a visit to the Doctor at Jupiter Station. She would be gone a total of three weeks she told him, at the end of which he was welcome to join her, if he decided that was indeed what he wanted.
They would make plans at that time. Seven would not hear of making them now. She left him at the station with a kiss, a hug, and not a single word, not wanting to say anything that could sway him. Seven knew that Chakotay’s control was tenuous at best and she thought it best to be silent. She was almost at the entrance when she heard him say, “I love you.” Looking over her shoulder at him, Seven found it would have been easy to call the entire thing off. These were treacherous things these emotions.
“Think,” was all she said before slipping into the crowd.
And think he did, almost from the moment her shuttle had departed.
Chakotay had always planned on joining her on Vulcan after her interview, which was now the very next day. There would be a lot for them to talk about. The new job, which he would encourage her to take. A move to Vulcan which would get them away from Earth, and that would be good for them. Moving on with the intimate part of their relationship. He would make no plans otherwise. Kathryn needed to be purged from his system; meditation and deep thought would be enough to bring his mind and his heart to the same location. Chakotay knew that if he considered his situation profoundly enough that he could resolve this on his own by the time Seven was to meet up with him.
However, as the time passed, the more he thought about everything, the less he could actually come to terms with. Every question in his mind had an answer, but he could not see the answers let alone get them in his grasp. The more he asked these questions of himself, the less sure he became. Finally Chakotay became so unsettled that he decided to take the vision quest he had been avoiding.
His spirit guide had come to him quickly enough. She greeted him warmly by nuzzling her nose into the palm of his hand. He scratched her muzzle tenderly.
“You have many questions, Chakotay.” she said as he began to run his hand through her thick fur.
“Yes,” was all he said.
She sat down and considered him. “You know that every question has an answer.”
Chakotay’s hand fell in defeat to his side. “Yes, but these answers, they elude me.”
She nuzzled him again. “You’ve spent so much time trying to find them, dear one. But you are looking in the wrong places. There is only one place to find the answers you seek. And once you realize this, you won’t have to look for them any longer. They’ll find you.”
She gave his hand an affectionate swipe with her tongue. With that she turned away from him and began to retreat.
“Thank you,” he replied fondly. He was so glad to take any advice he could get from her, even if it wasn’t clear to him at the time.
He reached out to touch her and his hand came away with something that had been caught in her tail. He hadn’t noticed it until it had come loose in his hand. It was a piece of cornhusk.
Chakotay jerked back to reality, the rough texture of cornhusk scratching his palm. He looked at his hand, even though he knew he wouldn’t find anything there.
Corn. Kathryn had told him numerous times that there were cornfields all over Indiana, that in fact there was one just behind the house where she grew up.
His spirit guide had been right. Every question had an answer, and he knew Kathryn Janeway could tell him what those answers were. He knew that he could never resolve his feelings without talking to her. He dreaded it, kept trying to find ways around it and procrastinated until the very last minute. So knowing it needed to be done he packed his bag and set off for Indiana.
Now here he was in Indiana, and with their typical luck, and timing Kathryn wasn’t home. He had scheduled only a short time and at this rate there wouldn’t be enough time to talk properly before he’d have to leave to catch his shuttle. Even if she arrived home this very second. He pondered the idea of leaving the next day instead of on this evening’s shuttle.
Chakotay was so engrossed in thought that he didn’t even hear her approaching. Nor did he see her until she was at the bottom of the steps smack dab in his line of sight.
“Hi!” She said brightly, causing him to jump. Staring back at him was a little girl who could have been no more than five years old. With her auburn hair and freckles she reminded him of Kathryn. There was no doubting that this little girl was a relation. She looked exactly like the young Kathryn Janeway he’d been picturing in his mind.
“Well hi there to you," he said back
She giggled. “I gotcha!” She jumped up and down and he couldn’t help but laugh with her.
“Yes you did. You got me good.” She giggled maniacally. “My brother always gets me. I never got him.”
“Is that so?”
“Mmm hmm. I’m always the one who gets got, but today I got you.” She covered her mouth with her hands and giggled again as she bounced up and down with excitement. Again Chakotay laughed.
The little girl turned to run and then stopped as something occurred to her. “What’s your name? I wanna tell him who I got!”
“My name is Chakotay,” he said with a smile.
She looked at him with a horrified expression. “Huh?”
“Chakotay,” he repeated.
“I don’t think I can say that,” she said solemnly. He wanted to laugh but the serious look on her face held him back. “And who might you be?”
“I’m Katie-Jane,” she said pointing to herself.
“That’s a very pretty name,” he said.
“I’m named after my Aunty Kathryn. She’s very famous and I got named after her,” she said proudly. “Uh oh, I got a scuff on my shoe.” She squatted down to rub at the offending mark.
“Does that mean you’re famous too?” Chakotay teased.
Katie-Jane looked up. “Me?” she asked, her eyes open wide. “Nope, I’m not famous silly. Just my Aunty. Can I sit with you?”
Chakotay shoved over. “Sure,” he said patting the space next to him.
She sat down and stared up at him. “Oooooh, I like those lines you got on your face Ahchokay,”she said reverently.
Chakotay smiled at the mispronunciation of his name. “Thank you,” he answered.
“Does that spell out your name Cachooky?”
This time he outright laughed, causing Katie-Jane to look at him with consternation. Looking at her Chakotay thought that if he hadn’t known better he could have easily mistaken her for Kathryn Janeway’s daughter, she looked that much like her. Of course he’d just seen Phoebe who was incredibly similar to her sister, but with dark hair. However Katie-Jane had the red hair that he had come to associate with Kathryn and her family.
“I’ll tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you call me Kotay? It’s my nickname and a lot of people call me that. It’s easier to pronounce.”
She brightened considerably. “Okay, Kotay,” she said and then giggled. “I got a nickname too. If you want you can call me KJ.”
He nodded. “Okay KJ,” he said imitating her. She giggled again. “The tattoo doesn’t spell out my name,” he said pointing to his forehead, “but in a way it spells out my father’s.”
She inspected it again. “Will it wash off?”
Chakotay smiled. “No, it’s permanent. The man who did it injected dye into my skin.”
Fully intrigued now, KJ wrinkled her nose. “Ewww! Does it hurt?”
Chakotay shook his head. “Well it hurt a bit when I was getting it done, and it stung for a few days afterward, but it was no big deal.”
Who was he kidding? It had hurt like hell when they were making the mark that honored his father. They’d had to hold him down while they were doing it. A couple of times he’d actually passed out.
“Can I… touch it? She asked tentatively.
“Sure,” he said tilting his head toward her. KJ stood up and reached out to Chakotay’s forehead. There was no way she could have known that she was doing something her Aunty Kathryn had often dreamt about, as she moved her fingers over the lines of his tattoo.
“It’s soft,” she whispered. “And kind of squiggly right here,” she said as she reached the area by his ear
Chakotay sat still for the little girl’s inspection. Again he thought that she was exactly as he imagined Kathryn as a child. Katie-Jane was intelligent and a bundle of pure energy. He quite liked her already. He found her incredibly sweet.
“That’s really neat, Kotay,” she said as she finished her inspection.
He grinned at her. “You like that, huh?”
She nodded vigorously. “I like that.”
They sat for a minute or two in silence. Finally KJ’s small voice broke the calm. “Kotay?”
“Mmm hmm?”
“What are we doing again?”
He smiled. “Waiting.”
KJ nodded. “Oh yeah,” she said although she had never known why he was on the porch. A minute or so passed. “Kotay?”
“Yes, KJ," he responded with the tone an adult uses when humoring a child.
“What are we waiting for?” She sounded totally perplexed and he had to suppress another laugh.
“We’re waiting for Aunty Kathryn.”
KJ made a face and wrinkled her freckled nose in confusion. “My Auntie Kathryn?”
Chakotay nodded. “Mmm hmm.”
Katie-Jane gave him the look that children give adults when they’re humoring them. “Why are we waiting out here, when Aunty Kathryn is in the backyard?
Chakotay stared at her. “The backyard? Katie-Jane, are you sure?”
She nodded vigorously. “Ah ha. I just came outta there and she was still sittin’ by the big old tree when I did.”
Chakotay was momentarily stunned. “I knocked on the door and your mommy told me that Kathryn had gone out. Maybe you’re thinking of earlier? Or yesterday. Are you absolutely sure?”
She only nodded again as she studied him.
“Why would she tell me that Kathryn was out if she’s not?” He wondered aloud.
KJ was still studying him. “Kotay, are you the one that makes my Aunty cry?”
Chakotay felt a sharp pain in his heart when the little girl asked this. But he knew the answer, he knew it deep in his soul. His spirit guide told him that he would find the answers here. “Probably,” he answered regretfully.
“Well then my Momma didn’t let you in because she doesn’t like you. She doesn’t like you because you make Aunty Kathryn sad.”
Another jolt of pain shook him as he realized that Kathryn was so miserable that even a child could tell. And not only that, but that he was the reason. It killed him to know that he was the cause. Chakotay didn’t say anything so Katie went on.
“I heard my momma and grandma arguing about you. Grandma was worried because Aunty Kathryn is so sad since she got home and Momma said it was cause you was…" She tried to remember the right phrase and looked frustrated for a few moments. “Oh yeah. Baggin’ a blonde. That’s what Momma said.”
Chakotay didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up. KJ regarded him for a moment. “Is that what you gots in your bag, Kotay?”
This time he did laugh. He couldn’t help himself. “No, that’s not what’s in my bag sweetie.”
Momma said something about the man… that’s you… takin’ off with a blonde board. That’s when Aunty Kathy came into the kitchen. She got really mad at Momma and then she slammed the door and went back out by the tree.
“Her thinking tree,” he said absently.
KJ was surprised. “How did you know that?”
Chakotay sighed. “Oh I’ve known your Aunty for a long, long time.”
“Even before she got famous?”
He chuckled. "Yes, way before she got famous. Since before you were born actually.”
Katie’s eyes grew wide. “Wow, that’s a long time alright.”
“We were friends for a lot of years.”
“Have you known her since before my brother was born too?” She asked with a challenge in her tone.
“How old is your brother?" Chakotay asked.
“Eddie’s 12 minutes older than me.”
Chakotay laughed and nodded. “Yes, I’ve known her since before Eddie was born too.”
“Wow!” she cried excitedly.
The child obviously had no concept of time at her age and he smiled at her naiveté. He found her adorable. Just like our daughter would have been. The thought came out of nowhere, causing another bolt of pain through him.
“Is my Aunty sad all the time because you aren’t friends anymore?” She was sitting with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands.
“I don’t know, Katie-Jane. But I’d like to find out. In fact that’s what I came here for.” He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“But Momma won’t let you,” she said miserably.
“I guess not.” Chakotay realized now that Phoebe had, in essence, sent him off to wait for a wild goose. He wouldn’t be able to chase it, because Kathryn would never see him since she wouldn’t be walking up to the front door any time soon. She wouldn’t encounter him on the porch steps and he was supposed to get tired of waiting and leave. He wondered what he should do. He would never get in through the front door. Phoebe, that sneaky bitch, had seen to that. He could hardly confront her in front of her little girl and in her condition he wasn’t about to cause a scene. That would hardly be the best way to announce his arrival.
And now in light of what Katie had just told him, he was totally unwilling to leave without seeing Kathryn. He knew he needed a plan. He needed to Maquis his way back there. But how?
As Chakotay sat and schemed little Katie-Jane watched him with rapt attention. In all of her five years, three months and twenty-six days, she had never met anyone like Kotay. He was by far the most fascinating man she’d ever seen. He was just ‘neat’ and she liked him. Again she mirrored the feelings of her namesake where this man was concerned.
He was as interesting to her as her Aunty Kathy. Well almost. No one was as cool as Aunty Kathryn. She was a famous hero after all. But in her mind, the man sitting next to her was probably the only person cool enough to be Aunty Kathy’s friend. And she was so sad all the time because she missed her friend. She knew what that was like. Her best playmate had moved away with her family and Katie-Jane missed her. She reckoned that if her Aunt could just see her friend she’d feel a whole lot better. The little girl smiled when she realized that she could do something about that.
With that she rose and began pulling on Kotay’s hand. “Kotay, follow me. I got something to show you.” She tugged excitedly trying to move the big man, which of course she could not. He was busy trying to figure out a way into the backyard and as much as he liked KJ, the last thing he wanted to do was play a children’s game.
“Sweetie, I’m trying…" he began but she wouldn’t let him finish.
“Please Kotay!” she insisted. “I have to show you! Please!” She was raising her voice and he was afraid that would draw her mother’s attention, so he gave in. She kept tugging on him and with a sigh he got up, quickly grabbed his bag, and let the little girl lead him.
“We have to be very quiet,” she whispered to him.
And he could see why. They were passing by the side of the Janeway house. Right by the formal dining room and kitchen. He could hear muffled voices coming from the kitchen. She’s sneaking me in, he realized.
They ducked underneath a window and moved past the back of the house where they came to a huge hedge. He had no doubt that he could climb the thing, but it was going to make a lot of noise. He heard a slight rustling of the leaves and looked down at his feet.
While he had been studying the hedge, he failed to notice that KJ had dropped to the ground. “This way,” she whispered. Chakotay crouched to see what the little girl was trying to show him. She pulled back a portion of the leaves revealing a small hole.
“Sweetie, I think that hole is a little too small for me.”
She looked at him like he was crazy. “I know that silly,” she giggled. Then before he knew it, she was scrambling through the hole and lifting the part of the hedge on the other side of the fence. “But look.”
He had to lay flat in order to see through the hole. He smiled when he saw what she was pointing at.
On the opposite side of the yard was a gate that would allow him to slip in unnoticed. But surely that’s going to be locked, he thought.
As if reading his mind, KJ whispered, “I have to go over there and open it cause it won’t open on the outside unless you gots a key. She smiled at him from the other side of the fence. He smiled back. Spirits, he loved this kid! The littlest Maquis.
After helping KJ replace the greenery, with special concern that it be just right in order to keep the dog from getting out, Chakotay moved to the other side of the yard on the outskirts of a cornfield. As he waited for the gate to open, he looked around and realized that this was where he’d seen his spirit guide. He marveled at how right she’d been. This was the gateway to the answers he sought.
Finally the gate opened and he was able to slip into the Janeway family backyard. He followed the little girl up into the yard, past a storage shack.
Chakotay scanned the area. In one corner there were children’s playthings complete with an old-fashioned tree house. Just beyond that was the vegetable garden that Kathryn had told him about on New Earth. And a little further past that was a section that was scattered with different kinds of fruit trees. But he wasn’t interested in those. There was only one tree here that he cared about. Then he saw it. And saw Kathryn sitting under it. Her back was to them so she wouldn’t see him coming, which meant she couldn’t run away. Perfect.
He looked down at Katie-Jane who smiled at him then skipped away to leave the adults to their business.
Chakotay stood watching Kathryn for a moment. She was sitting on a blanket with her left side leaning against the tree. Her head rested against the sturdy trunk. He couldn’t make out any details of her appearance except that she looked thinner. In the short time they’d been home she’d lost a good amount of weight and that concerned him. She was already too thin on Voyager, she couldn’t afford to lose any more weight. She looked positively frail next to the tree.
As he closed the distance between them, he thought that frailty was something he’d never associated with Kathryn Janeway. But after listening to the little girl, he realized that this was something else he’d been wrong about where his former captain was concerned. Silently he came to stand right next to Kathryn. If she noticed she didn’t give any indication. Still leaning on the tree, her legs were drawn up and her arms were around them as if she were trying to get warm. She sat on a blanket there in the yard of the home where she’d grown up, but for all intents and purposes, she was a million miles away
“Hey stranger. Come here often?” he said flippantly. He wanted to keep the mood light for as long as he could.
Startled, she jumped knocking over a mug of now cold coffee, which sat beside her. Kathryn spun around to look at him. When her brain was able to register that it really was indeed him standing there she merely stared at him. Her expression had gone from startled, to surprised, to ice in a matter of moments. It reminded him of an old Earth expression Tom used to use - Zero to sixty in six seconds.
“Come on, Kathryn. I know that it was a lame joke, but it wasn’t that bad.”
“Chakotay,” she said finally acknowledging his presence, but gave nothing more away.
Spirits this was awkward. “Hello Kathryn.”
She continued to stare at him, giving him what he assumed was the off-duty version of the death glare. He’d never really seen her off-duty he realized, with another stab of pain to the heart. The silence was deafening.
As they continued to stare at each other, Chakotay realized that even though they were home, and in their civvies and even though she was no longer his captain, the death glare was having its intended effect. He felt as though he were melting under the heat of her stare.
The longer they went without saying anything, the more uncomfortable he felt. He broke eye contact and began to look around the yard.
“It’s smaller than I pictured it,” he said finally.
“What are you doing on Earth? I thought you and Seven had moved to Dorvan.”
“Where did you hear that?” he asked with confusion.
“Something I heard floating around HQ.”
He smiled slightly while shaking his head - the grapevine at Starfleet was notorious. “No, I’m not living on Dorvan. I… we… went there for an extended visit to see my… sister.” He knew he sounded nervous and was stammering. He hated it. “We’ve been back only a couple of days.”
Kathryn gave him a slightly puzzled yet thoroughly annoyed look. “Relax, Chakotay. This isn’t Starfleet debriefings again, it was only a simple question.
He looked at her for a moment. How did she always know exactly how he was feeling?
“I’m not nervous,” he said as he began to tug at his ear.
"You were stammering. And now you’re pulling on your ear. You must be anxious about something.”
“Kathryn,” he sighed. “I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’ve been… very busy and there’s a lot going on in my life.”
She merely looked at him. And the expression she wore was akin to that which would be given to a bug under one’s shoe. Her brow knitted. And she finally replied with a slight nod of her head. “Umm hmm.”
It was obvious she wasn’t buying any of it. Then she spied the travel bag that was slung over his shoulder. She gestured to it. “Looks like you have someplace to be.”
Chakotay looked at the bag and then back at Kathryn. He hadn’t wanted to do it this way, but he hadn’t counted on her anger. Now was hardly the time to tell her the reason for the bag. Once he did, that would be that. She was in no way ready to listen to what he had on his mind. If he explained the bag then the conversation would be over before it began. So he said nothing, just looked at her.
The silence stretched between them like so many other things had before. Finally, when she’d had enough, she said, “well I don’t want to keep a man as busy as you from wherever you need to be. Why don’t you tell me what it is you need and you can be on your way.”
“Kathryn.”
Stung, he breathed the way one does when they’ve had the wind knocked out of them. He shook his head. “I don’t need anything.”
“No, I suppose you don’t. You’ve been reinstated to Starfleet and given a promotion to Captain. New love, new life. I guess you really don’t need anything do you?”
For the moment he would avoid the subject of new love hoping against hope that he could break the ice with another topic.
“I don’t know about that. I’m not sure I’m going to stay with Starfleet. I’d much prefer a teaching position.”
Kathryn nodded. “And you need a reference. That’s it isn’t it? That’s why you’re here.”
Chakotay worked very hard to control his anger. He knew that it wouldn’t help his cause. He set down his bag. “No, Kathryn. That’s not why I’m here,” he said as he sat down. He saw her stiffen visibly when he settled down next to her on the blanket.
“I just came to see you. To see how you are. If you’re okay.” His explanation was met with silence. “Can’t one friend do that for another?”
She finally looked at him then. “Friend?” she whispered. She seemed to consider the word as if she’d never heard it before. He met her eyes and she looked away quickly.
“Friend,” he repeated emphatically. He wanted to touch her, as if to reassure her, but knew it wouldn’t have that effect. They just sat there for a while, both lost in their own version of the same world.
“How are you? Really?” he asked breaking the silence.
She hesitated as she looked out over the yard. Only when she heard his whispered, “please tell me,” did she react. She stuck out that stubborn chin of hers.
“I’m fine,” was all she said and then the silence was back.
Chakotay sighed. In many ways this was worse than any first contact situation with many of the species they’d come across in the Delta Quadrant. This was infinitely more difficult because he’d already made such a mess out of it. He could see the consequences of seven years of choices now. Both his and hers, but mostly his. And he didn’t know if he could fix any of this. He only knew that he wanted to –desperately.
“I check the listings every week for your promotion. I haven’t seen it yet.” Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed her slump back to her original position against the tree.
“And you’re not likely to any time soon,” she replied matter-of-factly.
“Oh?” His interest was genuine. “Are you actually considering job offers away from Starfleet?” He was excited for her. “Have you made any plans?”
Kathryn pulled at a blade of grass from beyond the blanket’s edge. The grass in this area of the yard had grown longer than the rest. Chakotay surmised that whomever tended to the Janeway lawn had stayed away to give Kathryn her privacy while she sat. And judging by the difference in lengths she’d been sitting here for some time.
Another stab of pain. . They’d been home three months! The first of which had been swallowed up by debriefings. And of course, she had been detained and extra two weeks. That meant she’d been home for six weeks. Six weeks! Had she been sitting here the rest of the time? And just how much longer was she planning on rooting herself to this spot?
As if responding to his thoughts she said, “I don’t have any plans. I’m on a leave of absence from Starfleet. An… indefinite leave of absence.” She shook her head. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do next."
“Leave?” he asked in disbelief. “Is that something the counselor recommended?” He could understand why Kathryn would want to take a long-term leave after what amounted to seven years on duty. He even had no trouble believing that a counselor would recommend it. He just never thought Starfleet would go for it. He was sure when he’d arrived home from Dorvan that he’d find Captain Kathryn Janeway splashed all over the media, not hidden away in Indiana.
She continued to fiddle with her blade of grass.
“I haven’t been… I… I didn’t go… I stopped going to the counselor,” she finally admitted.
Now Chakotay was completely confused. Starfleet had made no bones about the fact that a period of counseling for all of Voyager’s crew members, whether they were originally Starfleet or Maquis, was a condition of reinstatement to duty. Even Naomi had to attend sessions.
“But, Kathryn, the admiralty was adamant about those sessions. How did you-" He cut himself off. The leave! It made sense now.
"Your time off. It’s not… voluntary, is it?”
When she did not respond he put a hand to her arm. She whirled around and glared at him. He thought at first she might yank her arm away, but she didn’t.
“Please," he pleaded again. “Please tell me.” They continued to look at one another. Finally he gave her a slight squeeze.
“My vacation is… well I think it’s a mutual decision. We’re sort of at a stand off right now. They told me I have to continue seeing the counselor on a regular basis. I told them to go to hell.
Chakotay’s eyes grew wide. “But, why?”
She looked at the hand on her arm. “Why do they want the appointments to continue, or why did I tell them to go to hell?”
“Both.”
“Well, they tell me that I’m suffering from a Post Traumatic Stress disorder and depression. They say it’s natural to feel a sense of loss, even grief, now that we’re home. Now that the one goal I’ve had for the last seven years has been achieved, they say it’s natural that I feel a little lost. And they think therapy would help that.”
Chakotay nodded. So far it all seemed reasonable.
“But they also told me that based on some of the events and de… decisions detailed in my logs speak to my psychological well being.” She laughed bitterly. “Or lack thereof. Their final decision was not only that counseling would be helpful, but for me it’s crucial."
Chakotay merely gave her another reassuring squeeze. He had wondered many times how some of her decisions would hold up to Starfleet. Not well, obviously.
“At first they tried to make me feel like it was my choice to make. Then when I made it, they told me that weekly sessions were mandatory for me. Indefinitely. I told them to go to hell because I’ve had enough of their rules and enough of their restrictions. What’s wrong with me isn’t going to be fixed by someone poking around in my head.” She sighed. “That therapist was a moron anyway.”
He felt his lips twitch at her characterization as he remembered the stiff and impersonal counselor who he’d met with. He realized with great relief that he was actually starting to draw her out of her shell. He wanted it to continue.
“But if you didn’t like him, why didn’t you request a change?”
“I didn’t need to. When they saw it wasn’t working they brought out the big guns all on their own. They sent Deanna Troi to see me.”
“You told Deanna Troi to go to hell?” Chakotay sputtered.
Kathryn almost smiled at that. “No. She actually made a lot of sense, but by then I was just so tired of it all that I thanked her and declined further help.”
“What did Troi have to say to that?” he asked, urging her on.
“She’s the one who told me that it was the let down of achieving my goal I’d been focusing on for seven years. Not to mention promising myself one reward for reaching that goal. She said seven years is a long time to deny oneself. I laughed and told her that no one had to tell me that seven years was a long time."
“So she doesn’t feel that the depression began in the Delta Quadrant?”
“No. Just that it has its roots there.”
Chakotay was confused. “How is that different?”
Not wanting to get into this, Kathryn sighed then plowed ahead. “Because there was no depression as long as I had the dream of what home would be like. How my Delta Quadrant sacrifices would be rewarded back on Earth. It was always there, just beyond my reach. For seven years I fought for that one goal and every once in a while, I allowed myself to entertain the thought of how it would be when we got home. How someday I would finally have what I longed for.”
Chakotay offered another small squeeze of her arm. “We’re home.”
She looked at him sadly. “And you’re with Seven. And Kathryn is dead.”
Later Chakotay would remember that it took him much longer than it should have to comprehend the depth of her meaning. That he was to be her reward once they’d gotten home. The gravity of that struck him like a physical blow. Then innumerable emotions swept over him.
Anger. Anger that she had denied them for so long. Denied him until it was too late. Shame, that he hadn’t waited for her; that he’d turned his back on her. Hope, because what she was telling him was that she wanted him. And uncertainty, which was not the least of the feelings crowding his already overwhelmed mind.
She watched his reaction to her words. She could see anger, hurt and disgust plainly on his face. But she thought she also detected pity and that would never do.”
“Kathryn…”
“I don’t need your pity, Chakotay.”
“I don’t pity you,” he said reassuringly. “But I need to know what you mean when you say that Kathryn is dead. I don’t understand that.” Pity was the furthest thing on his mind. He was downright horrified at her statement.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Damn it, Kathryn!" he roared. “You can’t just say something like that and then say you don’t want to talk about it. That’s not fair.”
She was wide-eyed at his anger and she visibly shrank back away from him.
He softened his tone. “I’m sorry, but you can’t just tell me that you’re dead because of my relationship with Seven and then just shut down. It’s cruel.”
He had to strain to hear her. “It wasn’t your relationship with Seven that killed Kathryn. She was gone long before that. She died somewhere in the Delta Quadrant. I’m not even really sure when."
She turned her head away from him and rested it against the trunk of her thinking tree. He watched her silently, knowing that she’d continue on when she was ready. And he tried to steel himself for it. Was it really just moments ago that he’d only been horrified by her confession? Now guilt and fear had come to join his horror as he realized just how badly off Kathryn really was.
“Captain Janeway survived the Delta Quadrant. And now that we’re home she’s outdated and as your girlfriend would say, irrelevant. So I just sit here and I wait.”
“For what?” he asked though his dry mouth. He knew he wasn’t going to like the answer.
“For something. For anything. A little hint that will prove to me that the captain can survive in the Alpha Quadrant without Kathryn, because I’m beginning to think that she can’t.”
A strangled sob emanated from Chakotay. “No! You are Kathryn. You can do anything, can survive anything. You’re as much Kathryn as you are the Captain. We just have to help you find your way.”
“Save it,” she said making a physical gesture with her hands as if shoving him away. “You don’t need to trouble yourself. I’ll deal with this myself. I’ll get over it. I have to get over it. It’ll just take some time but I’ll get past this myself.”
“It’s it really that simple?”
She gave a hearty genuine laugh. “Well if it’s not, there’s always that handy little hypospray that they’ve been dying to use on me.” Her sudden gleeful manner concerned him.
“I’m worried about you,” he said gravely.
This time her laugh was entirely bitter. It was a cold sound filled with derision, which took Chakotay completely aback. “Kathryn Janeway if you don’t believe that, then you would definitely be better off in the hands of a counselor.”
“I don’t need a shrink,” she said coldly. “And I don’t need you, or your opinion on the matter, thank you very much.”
He began to speak but she cut him off. “ I don’t want to hear whatever you’re going to say, Chakotay. Do you know that the first counselor they assigned to me had never even been off Earth? How the hell was he going to help me? How could he possibly have had anything of value to tell me? I asked him and he said he didn’t think he’d have a problem relating to me at all. I laughed at him.”
She stared at him as she plowed on. “ How can some fat guy who’s never been out from behind his desk, let alone out of the Alpha Quadrant have any words of wisdom for me?” She shook her head. “Like I said, I’ll get over this on my own.”
“And if you don’t?” he asked, his voice trembling.
“Of course I will. I always do.”
Chakotay’s head fell back and he squeezed his eyes shut. His mind was spinning. If only he could slow it down enough to be of some use to him.
“Can you imagine someone who’s never been off Earth in this day and age? she asked with amazement.
He looked over at her. She was staring at the sky. She looked lost among the greenery of her family’s yard. He took the opportunity to really look at her. Even with her hair disheveled, body too thin, and dark circles under her eyes, he still thought her the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
“I supposed it was foolish of me to think that everything would work out the way I hoped it would. I’ve certainly heard unendingly how ridiculous it was. But it was all I had out there."
Chakotay took her hand but she paid him no attention as she continued talking.
“I sit here and remember all the time I spent thinking about getting home. How I pushed everyone so hard.” The tears came then, and she let them. It was as if she were in a daze and didn’t even remember him being there with her. The normally proud Kathryn Janeway would never let him see her cry.
"Sometimes I thought I’d go crazy out there. We were so far away and no matter how much I wanted it, or how hard I worked, it didn’t seem to get us any closer to home. The captain began to smother Kathryn in order to focus her goal. Kathryn was… distracted, you see. And the captain couldn’t have that.”
“The captain’s goal was getting the ship and crew home,” he said, stating the obvious. “But what was Kathryn’s distraction?”
She hugged her knees and whispered, “you.”
“And the captain didn’t like that.” Again, the obvious.
“No, she didn’t. In fact she hated it. Everyday she’d see you and you’d remind her how she was failing at her goal. And everyday I would see you and I wanted you more and more.”
He found it disturbing that she referred to the captain and Kathryn as two separate entities. However, he did notice that she referred to the captain in the third person, and herself as Kathryn. He knew that was a good sign. Reports of Kathryn’s death had been greatly exaggerated.
She continued. “I remember being on the bridge. Trying to look at you without you realizing it. I’d watch you joke with the crew and listen to you laugh. Or I’d notice your tattoo crinkle when you were frustrated. Or how your hands would move over our console. Lord those hands! And there were times you smelled so good that I couldn’t concentrate. I’d have to run to my ready room to get away from it.”
One thing was for sure. She had been able to do all of this without him noticing. He was nonplussed how he’d missed all of this. He let her go on.
“I spent a week once trying to figure out if your ears were really mismatched. They are.”
Chakotay groaned. He had always been teased about this when growing up. Once he ran to his mother in tears. She said he was a very lucky boy and that not everyone was so special. He’d gotten one ear from mama and one from papa. She’d also told him the spirits had done this so he would listen to them both. He should have known that it would never have escaped Kathryn’s eagle eye.
“But there were times I’d stay away. Well, the captain would, because I so looked forward to seeing you. She began to use you as a punishment when things didn’t go right. Like in the Void. The longer it went on the weaker Kathryn got. It got to the point where I couldn’t stop thinking about how we’d be together when we got home. And that’s when the captain won and Kathryn slipped away. The last thought that was purely Kathryn’s was how all of my hard work would be rewarded when we got back to Earth. But that didn’t happen.”
So he’d been both the punishment and the reward, he thought to himself. When things were going right Kathryn would take the time to flirt with him and check him out. But when things were going badly, she’d deny herself. Even outright avoid him. Some things were starting to make sense to him now. He suddenly found it difficult to breathe.
Chakotay gasp caused her to jolt. As if suddenly realizing he was still there, she jerked her hand away from him and gave him an embarrassed glance. Her cheeks were hot and she became angry with herself for going on and on the way she had. But he was here and he wanted to know how she was. She was too tired to be anything more than totally honest with him.
“You didn’t even say goodbye.” He snapped around to look at her. This was a sore subject for him.
“Didn’t say goodbye? Do I have to remind you that you didn’t come to say goodbye to me either? I know that you met with Tuvok before he left! But you sure as hell couldn’t be bothered with me.”
“Tuvok was in the psychiatric ward.”
He shook his head. “And how does that make a difference? If anything that should have made it harder to see him instead of more convenient.”
She sighed as her entire body slackened as if in defeat.
“So was I.” It took him a moment to get the drift, and then he looked at her with horror. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? His mind was unwilling to accept this. “Wha… what?"
“Tuvok was in the mental ward, Chakotay, and so was I. That’s why I got to say goodbye to him.”
He was incredulous. It was obvious that this woman was troubled and obviously depressed. But the mental ward? Kathryn Janeway? What the hell had they been thinking? “They put you in the psych ward? On what grounds?”
She shrugged. “They knew I wasn’t going to see the therapist so they decided to force me. Which is when they locked me up. That’s when I told them to go to hell. When I wouldn’t cooperate and when they had no reason to hold me any longer my mother came and got me. They say I’m unstable. And that I won’t be allowed work for them until I undergo extensive analysis. I’m not willing to do that. So here I sit."
Chakotay felt like he was in a drunken stupor. None of this seemed possible, but it certainly explained the extra two weeks Kathryn had spent in ‘debriefing’. And yet he knew that she was telling the truth. In a contest between Kathryn Janeway and the Starfleet admiralty he would always believe her.
He had let his wounded pride allow him to believe that Kathryn didn’t want to see him. It had never occurred to him that she’d been unable to see him, let alone why.
“Spirits, Kathryn. I should have known better, but I was being stubborn and stupid. I let myself believe that you didn’t come and see me because of Seven. I should have realized that the only way you wouldn’t have come is if you were unable to.”
“Yes you should have,” she said in a remarkably agreeable tone. “You know me better than that. Well you used to anyway.” They went back to their mutual silence.
Not being able to stand it any longer, Kathryn finally broached the subject. “So, are you ever going to tell me exactly what it is you want?" she asked snappishly. But he refused to take the bait.
“I came to see you,” he said calmly, “because I wanted to see how you are.” His explanation was met with only a raised eyebrow.
Chakotay braced himself. He knew now was the time to be honest with her, but somehow the old doubt was still nipping at his resolve. Even after everything she’d just finished saying. He took a deep breath and finally blurted out, “As I said, I wanted to see you. But I haven’t been honest about why.”
This was met by a terribly unladylike snort.
“I don’t think either one of us can be at peace until we’ve confronted this. So I need to explain to you. When Seven and I returned from Dorvan, she wanted…” Spirits this was hard. “She wanted…”
Kathryn rolled her eyes.
“She wanted to move to the next level. She wanted for us to make love. And…” He stammered along.
Again she rolled her eyes. “Just spit it out Chakotay.” Outside she was the very image of cool and collected. Inside however, she was shocked and surprisingly delighted by the admission that he and Seven had never had sex.
“Well I had some trouble with that and… I finally came to realize that the reason was you.”
“Are you blaming me for your inability to get it up?” she asked brutally.
“Damn it! I’m not blaming you for anything. I’m trying to find out what we mean to each other.”
“Oh please, Chakotay. What we mean to each other? I thought we were the best of friends. That we were destined to be more. That’s what I thought we meant to each other. But I haven’t heard from you since we got home. And before that while we were still in the Delta Quadrant you avoided me like the Phage. Ever since Quarra. I had to find out from Admiral Janeway that you were involved with Seven, for goodness sake! The only time you’ve even acknowledged this to me is in this conversation. And you still want to know what we mean to each other? What are you fishing for, Chakotay? Because it’s obvious that I meant nothing to you.”
“That’s not true,” he sputtered. Absolutely untrue!
“Really? Which part?” she asked antagonistically.
“You mean more to me than I have words to tell you,” he said sincerely.
She grumbled, “Then I’d hate to see how you treat someone you don’t care about.”
He knew he deserved that. He knew that he had an enormous amount of atoning to do where she was concerned. “I’m here to set that right! I know my behavior has been inexcusable and a simple ‘sorry’ seems hollow and cheap.”
“Yes it does,” she agreed. They sat in mutual silence for a time.
Finally he found the courage to broach the subject again.
“I need to know how you feel. I can’t move forward with Seven until I know. Our relationship will be forever defined by what happens here today.”
Kathryn was instantly fuming. “So you’re here because you want my permission to fuck Seven? You want me to tell you that it’s okay that you gave up on me? What do you want from me, Chakotay? Do you want my blessing so you won’t feel guilty?"
“I’d like to know what you want,” he said quietly.
She was incredulous instantly jumping to her feet. “What I want?” She paced thoughtfully for a moment. “Okay,” she said facing him squarely. “You know what I want? I want you to leave here and never come back! Ever!”
She rushed on in the face of his wounded expression. “Forget me. Get out of here and get on with your life. I don’t want you bringing your lovely wife by for visits. I don’t want you to come calling with your beautiful children. I never want to see those things. I never want to see you again. I want you to leave here and forget I even exist.”
“Oh, Kathryn,” he groaned.
“Go now!” she said indicating the way out by thrusting her chin in the direction of the gate. “And have a nice life.” With that she turned her back on him as if excusing him. She waited to hear him get up. When he finally did he just stood there. Brooding, she thought. But in reality it was the calm before the storm.
“Damn you!” he yelled, startling her once more. Finally his exasperation had gotten the better of him. “I’ve been sitting here doing everything I can to get you to ask me to stay! But you won’t give me an inch. You just keep pushing me away.”
She whirled around to confront him. She was even angrier than before and she hadn’t thought that was possible.
“You just don’t get it do you? I suppose it never occurred to you that I don’t want to ask? That I don’t want to *have* to ask you to stay with me?” You won’t admit you want to stay until I tell you I want you first? Why are you so afraid of saying what you want?”
He started to interrupt, but she plowed right over him. “You’ve never been good at making choices unless you were on duty. It was your strength as a first officer, but as a man it’s your biggest weakness. Something you’ve never overcome. You’ve never been able to just go after what you want, even when it’s yours for the taking.”
He was seething as he tried yet again to interject into her rant, only to be ignored.
“It’s time for you to stand up and be a man, Chakotay! Time to make up your own mind, and take what you want. Until you can do tha-”
This time she was cut off as Chakotay grabbed her by the arms, shoved her up against the tree and kissed her forcefully. Her startled cry was lost in the heat of his mouth which was open. His tongue working on doing the same to hers.
He kissed her so deeply, so passionately, that Kathryn felt she could melt into him. And before it occurred to her to try and stop him, she was kissing him back. Her lips trembling against his. Her arms wound their way around his neck, and her world turned on its axis.
When they pulled away from each other, Kathryn was gasping. He’d taken the very breath from her and left her lightheaded, giddy and wanting more.
Wiping his thumb across his lips, he said. “ How’s that for taking the initiative?”
She stared back at him. That kiss leaving her somewhat scatterbrained. “Well, I have to say that I see some minor improvement.”
“Minor?” he sputtered, then when he saw her saucy grin, he planted another one on her. His soft full lips moved against hers devouring her mouth. It was even more passionate than the first. Both kisses were fueled be the intense anger that they had been feeling, but that anger was quickly burned away by the fiery kiss. In its place was raw emotion. Need, desire, anticipation, and pleasure.
This time when he broke the kiss, Chakotay held his hand at the base of her neck as he rested his chin against her forehead.
“Minor? Did I say minor? I meant marked. Marked improvement,” she said breathlessly.
He chuckled then kissed her forehead tenderly. “Kathryn Janeway you are more trouble than any three women. But I wouldn’t have you any other way because you are also three times the passion, the beauty and the joy of any one woman.”
She grabbed his face and stroked her thumbs over his cheeks. Tears ran down her face as she looked up at him.
“I tried so hard to forget that, but I couldn’t. You’re part of me. A part I need to live. You’re in my blood. You’re everything any man could want in his woman. And you’re mine,” he said with wonder.
Kathryn jumped a little in surprise and opened her mouth to respond, but he rushed on, gently taking her face in his hands and holding her steady. “That is if you’ll have me. I know I gave up on you, and that hurt you terribly. But I swear by the bones of my ancestors that I’ll never hurt you again, nor will I ever leave you again. I’ll spend the rest of my days making you happy. Whatever you want, I’ll do it for you and if I can’t do it myself, I’ll get someone who can.”
She was crying and laughing with delight at the same time as he sped on with his pledge.
“I just want to make you happy, whatever it takes. I want to take the pain out of your eyes and put the sun back. I took it away and I want to be the one to put it back. Please say that you’ll let me do that.” A tear ran down his cheek, quickly replaced by another. “I love you. I’ve always loved you and I almost lost you. How could I let myself almost lose you? No it was worse than losing you, I pushed you away with both hands. Spirits, what kind of an idiot am I…?”
This time it was Chakotay who was cut off in mid sentence by lips crushing against his own. Kathryn’s demanding kiss caught him off guard. However being the good first officer he always was, he recovered and took her lead. She nibbled at his soft full lower lip before moving to suck on the upper which she nipped playfully with her teeth.
A low sound, not unlike a sob came from Chakotay and Kathryn pulled away to look at him. She soothingly began to stroke over his forehead and into his hair. “Shhh…” she whispered softly. “It’s alright my Chakotay.” She moved to the skin where his tattoo was. “My warrior.” She moved her hand down to his chest and lay it where his heart would be. “My love.”
Another cry tore from him and he drew her into his embrace. They held each other, both having trouble believing this was really happening after so long.
Feeling secure in his arms, she murmured, “I love you.”
Chakotay broke the embrace so he could simply stare at her. “I love you,” he responded. For the first time that day he say Kathryn smile. A sight he knew now he’d never get enough of.
She began to trace the details of his face. The strong jaw line led her to the cleft in his chin. "I’ve always wanted to do this,” she said as she moved in to flick the tip of her tongue back and forth over the tantalizing dimple. This caused an encouraging moan as Chakotay enjoyed her warm wet attentions. He chuckled when she nipped at it playfully
Kathryn then moved her finger to the crooked bridge of his nose. Slowly drawing downward over the bump and curve of his off-center nose with her fingernail. She heard him sigh as she moved it over the tip then down the underside to rest in the groove of his upper lip. Chakotay placed a soft kiss on the part of her finger that was resting against him mouth. This time they both smiled.
“My mother told me that before we’re born we know all the secrets of life. And just before birth the baby’s guardian spirit lays a finger just where yours is now, leaving a finger print and sealing in the secrets.”
“That’s a beautiful story,” she said as she slid her finger around his lips and back to the ‘fingerprint’ on his upper lip. “And I know it’s true because the spirits themselves had to be involved in your creation. You’re such a gorgeous man, inside and out. You’re such a caring man with infinite patience.”
“Not quite infinite,” he said sorrowfully.
“Okay,” she mused. “Almost infinite patience. But I know that no one else would have done what you did today. They would have left me to rot if I’d said the things I said to you. You have such a big heart. And you’re so compassionate and gentle. And you smell so good.”
Chakotay laughed. He lowered his lips to just a whisper away from hers. “I smell good?”
Kathryn caught his eyes. “Yes,” she nodded. “You smell so good.” She inhaled deeply as if to illustrate her point. “You always smell so… mmm…”
She cut herself off as she kissed him. He responded hungrily and their mouths began to learn the feel of each other. He worked his tongue into her mouth and tickled her upper palate slowly. Kathryn moved her hand to the hair at the nape of his neck and they drew closer together as they drank each other in.
“I may smell good," he said against her lips. “But you taste so mmm…” Any further discussion was cut off as her tongue wandered its way lazily into his mouth.
When they came up for air, Chakotay lowered them back onto the blanket, pulling Kathryn into his lap.
“As much as I’d rather be kissing your beautiful mouth, I think we need to talk.” His words were gentle. He didn’t want her to feel cornered. Much to his surprise she laughed. “Hey what’s so funny?”
“It’s just that I’m the one who usually says that.”
He smiled at that. “See? Things are changing already.”
“Mmm hmm,” was her reply. She was busy nuzzling his ear.
“Hey I want your undivided attention.”
“You do have my undivided attention.” She bit him teasingly and he yelped. “See?” Licking the spot she’d bitten, “That’s you.”
He marveled that she could be so lighthearted one moment and so mired in depression the next. Which brought him back to his point. “Behave you,” he warned softly. With one final nibble to his ear, she sat up to look at him.
“I have to tell you this before we talk. It wouldn’t be fair to you to keep this a secret.”
She nodded. Intrigued she said, “Okay. I’m listening.”
“I realized that I couldn’t move forward with Seven if I didn’t talk to you. So I came here, but not before I tried every way I could think of to avoid it. My original plan was to speak with you then when we were finished, I was going to take the shuttle to Vulcan to meet Seven. I had fooled myself into thinking that there wouldn’t be much for us to talk about. That we’d both agree that it was best and we’d move on. But when I got here… once I saw you and we began to talk. I just knew that this is where I wanted to be.”
She opened her mouth to speak and he placed a soft finger on her lips. “It’s not because I pity or feel sorry for you, do you understand.”
She nodded.
"It's because I love you and to see you like this—to see you hurting so badly—it tore me up." But it also made me realize that I want to be with you and help you through this. Because I love you,” he repeated. “If I could spend the rest of my life with you, and do nothing else, I’d be a happy man until the end of my days.”
Kathryn lowered her head and cried softly. “I love you too.” She looked at him then. “And I understand what you’re saying."
Relief washed over him. “Great,” he sighed. He was afraid that she wouldn’t take what he’d said about Seven well. “We need to get some help for you. As much as you don’t like the idea, I think therapy would really be a good thing for you, love. It doesn’t have to be a ‘fleet therapist, but we have to find someone okay?”
She nodded. Her eyes were wide and she reminded him of a little girl who was being told what she should do. “I actually wouldn’t mind talking to Deanna Troi… so much,” she admitted.
He gave her his biggest grin. “That’s my girl. But don’t think you’re going to be in it alone. I’ll be with you every step of the way. And if you want me to back off a little just tell me.”
“I will,” she promised. “Chakotay. I love you.”
"I love you too baby.”
Just then Kathryn pulled away and looked at him with horror. “Baby?” she asked in dismay.
He looked back at her. “Yeah, baby. It’s a term of endearment…”
“I know what it means, smarty. It’s just that…" She looked embarrassed.
“No one’s ever called you that,” He finished for her.
She shook her head. “No. No one.”
He laughed a hearty happy laugh. “Oh, Kathryn, we’re going to have so much fun. And I’m going to spoil you rotten, baby.” He leaned in and kissed her once more. Distracted in the best way possible, neither heard the pitter patter of little feet approaching.
“Aunty Kathy?” The little voice interrupted. They jumped apart, startled by Katie-Jane. Their amusement turned to concern when they saw her tear-stained face.
Kathryn quickly drew the child to her. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”
The little girl was miserable. “My mommy said to come out here and say goodbye to you. She said we’re leaving.” The little girl hugged her Aunty who was still sitting in Chakotay’s lap.
“I thought we were all having dinner together. Why are you leaving?”
Again little KJ burst into tears. “She’s mad because of Kotay and says I’m in trouble.”
“Kotay?” It took Kathryn a minute to realize that Katie had been talking about Chakotay.
“You mean Chakotay?” she said indicating with her hand the man whose lap she was currently lounging on.
“Yes, she means me,” he answered unhappily.”
Now Kathryn was perplexed. “Why would she punish Katie-Jane because of you?”
“Because I snuck Kotay in the yard to see you.” Kathryn whirled back to Chakotay for confirmation. He merely nodded his head and gave her a guilty look.”
“I still have no idea what you two are talking about, but Katie-Pie, I want you to go back into the house and tell your mommy that I said not to leave until I talk to her. And tell her that we’ll be right in, okay?
The little girl seemed to brighten a little. Maybe Aunty Kathy could save the day. She was a famous hero after all. “Okay, I will.” She started to run back to the house when Chakotay interrupted her.
“KJ?” She stopped in her tracks and ran back over. “I’m sorry you’re in trouble for helping me."
She smiled at him then patted him on the head. “It’s okay, Kotay.” Then she turned and hopped her way back to the house to deliver her message.
They watched her go and close the door behind her. “She snuck you into the yard?” He only nodded. “You want to tell me why she snuck you into the yard?
This time he shook his head as he answered, “no.”
She regarded him. “Okay… Did you flash your dimples at her or something?”
He laughed. “No I didn’t use my dimples on her. But I did let her touch my tattoo.”
Kathryn smacked him on the arm. “I haven’t even gotten to do that!” He grabbed her hand before she could smack him again. Taking her hand and kissing it, he said, “Let’s go figure out this family problem and then you can touch me wherever you want. Baby.”
Rolling her eyes at him again, she muttered under her breath, “Baby?”
She started for the house, but he wouldn’t budge. “Before we go in there, I want to know how long I have to repent before you’ll marry me.”
She contemplated that for a moment. “Hmm. How about a week?”
He pretended to be wounded. “You’re going to make me wait a whole week? That’s an eternity.”
“I was thinking about 15 minutes, but I didn’t want to look too easy.”
With that they walked toward the house to face the first obstacle in their new life together.
