June 1999
Rating: G
Paramount own Star Trek; song lyrics are by John Denver, from
"Follow Me," "Rhymes and Reasons," and "Poems, Prayers
and Promises."
by Sängerin
It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done
To be so in love with you, and so alone.
Follow me where I go,
What I do and who I know.
Make it part of you to be a part of me.
Follow me up and down, all the way and all around
Take my hand and say you’ll follow me.
~*~
I sit
alone in my quarters far more than I ought to. It has become a habit – a
comfort. Ever since we – since Kathryn and I came back
from New Earth, solitude has been more comfortable than company. I avoid the
Mess Hall, the resort program, B’Elanna, all my
friends – in order, simply, to avoid her.
It’s
not as though I’m likely to run into her, though. She seems to be avoiding
people as much as I am. She’s probably avoiding me.
It
has been so hard, these weeks since we came back. Tiptoeing
around each other, unable to treat her in the same friendly way that I had down
on the planet. Unable, because she wouldn’t treat me
in that way. So, it was first back to ‘Captain’, and now we hardly
speak.
But
it isn’t because I don’t love her. I do – I love her more than ever. But being near her hurts more than ever, now, because she doesn’t
love me. We were so close, and then Tuvok
called us back, and Kathryn pulled back.
Being
back on Voyager has been awkward for me too. I was prepared to live
alone on New Earth with her forever. In some ways, in most ways, it was like a
dream. And then, coming back here, surrounded by over one hundred people again.
It seemed as though there was no privacy any more, as though everyone could
read my thoughts. So I forced myself to stop thinking of her when others were
around. It is better when there are no others around, and so I stay away.
I
stay alone, and I dream.
~*~
So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter
The fear that is within you now
That seems to never end
And the dreams that have escaped you
And a hope that you’ve forgotten
And you tell me that you need me now
And you want to be my friend
And you wonder where we’re going
Where’s the rhyme and where’s the reason?
And it’s you cannot accept
It is here we must begin
~*~
Dinner
in her quarters, coffee in her readyroom, time in the
Holodeck. We spend so much time together now. Time as friends, time of conversation, giving support. I sit
and listen to her, she talks, and I try to help.
She
will never be alone.
But
in a way, I still am. There is very little that she does for me, I do
everything for her. I’ve lived up to the promise I made – to look after her, to
take the weight from her shoulders. And I begin to tire of this.
But
it has been wonderful, too. After a lot of effort, and a bit of stress, that
friendship we had on New Earth came back – equal, accepting, comfortable. And
maybe, if it had stayed that way, I could have been content with that. It would
have taken a long time, but I could have been content eventually.
But
it didn’t stay that way. It didn’t stay equal. Now I feel like I’m doing all
the giving, she all the taking. I give her so much support, I listen to her
worries, give her advice. And yet, she never has the time to listen to me. To hear my concerns, my dreams for our future. Those, she
doesn’t want to hear, I know. She doesn’t want to think any further than now –
for Voyager, or for us.
And
yet, despite it all – I cannot stop loving her. I’ve tried so hard, but it has
never worked. I could no more stop loving Kathryn than I could stop breathing.
But to be beside her every day, knowing how she feels, how she doesn’t feel, is
killing me.
How
can you cut out your heart and still go on living? Only by
dreaming.
~*~
You see, I’d like to share my life with you
And show you things I’ve seen
Places that I’m going to
Places where I’ve been
To have you there beside me
And never be alone
And all the time that you’re with me
We will be at home.
~*~
When
she sleeps, she sleeps so peacefully. Lying in our bed,
sleeping in my arms. And for the first time in so long, I am content. I
lie awake, watching her as she sleeps, and I thank whatever great powers there
are for giving me this gift.
She
is such a gift to me, and when she finally gave something back, she gave
wholeheartedly. It was simply a kiss on the cheek, after a pleasant evening.
And, without my even noticing, our lips were touching, and we were kissing each
other. There wasn’t me, and there wasn’t her. There was
only us – together.
And
the ship didn’t fall apart – the stars didn’t change their course – the crew
didn’t mutiny. In fact, they were pleased, as I had been sure they would be.
And now, each night, we go to the same quarters.
Finally
now, with me, she relaxes. She lets the cares of the ship go, she stops
worrying about when we will get home. And with me, she is herself. She can
finally laugh, and finally let go. For her, this is healthy – and for me, too.
Finally, we do share everything. She listens to my concerns, and tells me that
I will never be alone.
And,
in the end, it seems so simple. We are together, every day, and every night.
And together, we dream of the future.
~*~
The days they pass so quickly now
The nights are seldom long
Time around me whispers when it’s cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still, I have to smile
It turns me on to think of growing old
For tho’ my life’s been good to me
There’s still so much to do
So many things my mind has never known
I’d like to raise a family
I’d like to sail away
And dance across the mountains on the moon.
~*~
I
stand in front of the viewport, rocking my daughter
to sleep. Kathryn, as always, needs her sleep. But she needs it more now than
ever – tomorrow, we will be home. She will have to face the public, the media,
and Starfleet. She needs all the rest she can get.
We
have been out here for so many years, and I’m not sure that I want to be back.
But Kathryn is elated, when she has time to think about it. And I understand.
She wants
These
past years have been years of joy for me, and I look forward to the future.
Whether we live on a planet, or on a ship, whether I stay in Starfleet, or
resign, there is so much left in my life. Now, I have a family to care for, for
the first time in years. My beautiful Kathryn, and my
darling
And
my life is a dream.