Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I’m only playing.
OK, ok, I know, another pregnant KJ story.
What can I say? I have a one-track mind! The poor woman may
never know what it’s like to carry a child created naturally, then again,
she might. J
For His Baby
by Sheri
Rated PG
Kathryn stood in front of the full-length mirror examining herself her top pulled up to expose her belly. She was looking for evidence, and was almost positive she saw it. There was a slight bulge to her tummy that she knew was not there before, although the doctor said she wouldn’t see any sign of it for a few weeks at least.
Ironic, she thought, you pushed Chakotay away for years due to protocol, until he found someone else. Then that someone else ended up pregnant with his child and now here you are carrying ‘their’ baby. Just what have you gotten yourself into now.
She was happy for him. Chakotay seemed happy with Carla. Of course, Carla was not the type she had pictured he would end up with – she was being quite tall and her hair was short curly brown. But if he was happy, then that was all that mattered. Kathryn's only wish was that he had chosen someone who liked her. It was a well known fact that Carla held no love for the captain and had seemed to show even more animosity once she began dating Chakotay. Kathryn had hoped to at least keep their friendship going. Carla had not made that easy.
There were a lot of people who had shown concern for their captain when Chakotay and Carla first started seeing each other, but she assured them she was all right with it. Of course, she secretly loved Chakotay and was crushed when he began dating Carla, but it was her own fault. She had held fast to protocol, and that combined with a little bit of fear had finally driven him into the arms of another woman. Now Kathryn wouldn’t be able to confess her feelings when she got home to earth, but that’s life, and she had to live with it.
Chakotay came to Kathryn's quarters two weeks ago to inform her of Carla's pregnancy. He looked both happy and sad, telling her Carla was two months pregnant. He didn't tell Kathryn how he had spent a good deal of time trying to convince Carla not to terminate the pregnancy.
********
The accident had happened a week ago. Carla
was helping out in engineering, when there was an explosion in one of the
EPS conduits that had propelled her backwards into a console. She
was rushed to sickbay with internal injuries where the Doctor quickly decided
that the baby had to be removed if she were to survive. If the baby
were to survive, another woman would have to be found to carry it. The
only person that was biologically compatible was the captain.
Chakotay, with pleading eyes, had explained the situation to Kathryn then told her he understood if she didn’t want to do it. She didn’t, but told him of course she would. Chakotay was a good friend, one of her best friends actually and she wanted nothing but happiness for him. She knew what he was asking her to do went above and beyond the call of friendship but she also felt this was something she could do for him and in a sense she had no choice; just how could she tell him no?
The doctor had Tom quickly prepare her with the proper hormones so her body would accept the baby, and had her lie still on the biobed next to Carla's. The procedure took only a few seconds, there was only a slight twinge of pain and then it was over. Captain Kathryn Janeway was now pregnant with her first officer's baby, but not with her own.
Kathryn couldn’t really label her emotions right now. There was a part of her that was scared to death. What had she just done? She was the captain; she shouldn’t have agreed to this. But she had experienced so much death in her life that she couldn’t bear to tell Chakotay his baby had to die simply because she was the captain. Then there was the part of her that was actually excited about the baby. She had always wanted to be a mother, to know what it was like to carry a child. She knew it wouldn’t be easy to give up this baby but she would have to do it. But that was months from now and she would deal with then. Right now it would be best if she just concentrated on keeping this baby healthy. She looked down at the coffee cup on the table as she walked over to the replicator, and then instructed it to recycle the cup. She sighed and walked back to the couch.
Kathryn had kept her feelings to herself to avoid the emotional commitment that would have been required yet here she is making even more of a commitment, physically and emotionally, than if she had acknowledged her feelings. She had accepted the facts that she could not have a relationship with Chakotay and simply treasured her deep friendship with him. Yet, now that she stepped into this situation, she know wondered if a relationship would have been possible and it was only her own beliefs that kept her so isolated and lonely.
Carla was still unconscious but was now out of danger. Kathryn was sure she didn’t want to be around when they told her who was the surrogate for her baby. Oh boy, would it hit the proverbial fan then!
The chime to her door rang. “Come in,” she called as she fixed her outfit to hide her belly.
“Chakotay, come in, care for some tea.”
“Yes, that would be nice, thanks. So how are you doing?” he asked.
“Aside from already experiencing caffeine withdrawl, I feel fine.”
“The doctor has already made you give up coffee? I’m sorry,” he said with a laugh.
“Well, just until he’s sure the pregnancy is stable, after that I’m allowed one cup a day! I think I’ll survive.”
“This is all overwhelming. I can’t believe you did this, after everything…”
Kathryn sighed, “Chakotay, this won’t be easy, I know that but…I don’t know…it seemed like the least I could do. I haven’t always been a good friend.”
“Kathryn, you have been a great friend, the best! We’ve had our problems in the past, but true friends get past that. It’s not going to be easy, going through a pregnancy, and then giving up the baby. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked this of you.” He was beginning to show signs of regret.
“I don’t know how I’ll react to giving the baby to you and Carla, but I think it will be hard. I am hoping this puts me high on the auntie list, so I’ll be able to spend a lot of time with the baby. And it will be my friends that help me through this. Now enough of this, what’s done is done. You didn’t say, did Carla wake up yet?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“And, what does she think of all this? It's no secret that I’m not her favorite person.”
“Well, I think she has mixed feelings but she’s happy the baby will be ok. She’s not too happy that you’re the one carrying it. I’m sorry.” He felt like he was always apologizing lately.
“Don’t be. She’ll come around; I’ll be fine; and the baby will be fine. I’m new at this too. We’ll figure this all out together.”
**********
Kathryn was remarkable, that’s all Chakotay could say. He did want to wait for her even though he did still love her. Carla was there and Kathryn wasn’t, and when it came down to it, he needed affection from someone and he needed to express his feelings, too. It was ironic that now he noticed how Kathryn always showed him affection, just in her way. He didn’t regret his relationship with Carla, but the baby was unplanned. Oh, he was excited about it coming, but now that it was inside Kathryn, he wasn’t sure what excited him more, that there was a baby coming or that Kathryn was carrying it. Carla’s treatment of Kathryn upset him because she rarely had anything good to say about her, and when Chakotay spent time with Kathryn, Carla would rant about it for hours. It didn’t matter that his job required him to spend nearly everyday with her, it still made Carla mad. If this situation, the baby, the relationship, was going to work, Carla’s attitude was going to have to change, and quickly.
**********
Over the next few months Chakotay carefully watched Kathryn. He thought for sure he would see signs that she regretted her decision, but he didn’t. In fact, if he didn’t know any better, he would swear that she loved it. As her belly grew, she couldn’t keep her hands off it, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her. She looked beautiful.
Carla’s attitude changed slightly. He knew she still didn’t have any love for the captain, but he did see a hint of admiration. Carla still, despite the fact that Kathryn now carried their child, would not associate f with Kathryn unless necessary. That hurt Chakotay, but he felt he was making up for Carla's lack of enthusiasm.
It was really hard to describe the relationship he and Carla shared. He did have feelings for her, but he knew it wasn’t love. The best way to describe it was affection. The two of them had fun together, and it was nice to go to sleep with someone in his arms. She was a fun person to be around but extremely jealous. He knew she wasn’t looking for commitment just for the company and maybe for the prestige of being the first officer's woman. The baby had been an accident, neither of them planned or wanted a child, but it did. Now he had dragged the captain into this. Almost as a reflex, he had asked Kathryn to carry the child to save the child's life. If he had thought about it more thoroughly, he would never have expected her to say yes, let alone act as if it were an everyday occurrence.
“Hey, you sure are deep in thought.” They were in her quarters going over reports and she was relaxing on the couch.
“Sorry, Captain. Did you say something?” Chakotay asked.
“No, you just looked a million miles a way. Something on your mind?” She smiled at him -- he still loved that smile.
He laughed, “With the events of the past few months, what wouldn’t be on my mind? Kathryn, did you ever picture this happening?”
She lay a hand on her belly, feeling the baby kick her in response. “No, I can’t say I did. This is definitely one for the record books.”
“Can you really feel her kick?” he asked curiously.
“Oh, yes. I didn’t think I would already. To me I’m only three and a half months pregnant. I keep forgetting that the baby was already two months when she moved in.” She noticed that Chakotay couldn’t take his eyes off her belly. In all this time, he had never asked to feel the baby. “Would you like to feel her? She’s really active today.”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
“No, not at all.” She took his hand and guided it to her belly where she could feel the baby the most. At first he felt nothing but then the slight movement under his fingers made him gasp. “That’s amazing. That doesn’t bother you?”
“No, I’m getting used to it. I can’t imagine what this will feel like in a few more months though.”
“Kathryn, I don’t understand. This has been the craziest few months we've experienced since we entered this damn quadrant. After everything, the way Carla treats you, carrying a child that isn’t yours….” He regretted saying it the moment he said it. “I’m sorry.”
Kathryn didn’t want to show how much his statement bothered her. She already felt a bond with this child, and as soon as she gave birth to her, she would be taken away. She said the only thing she could. “Hey, it’s ok. You’re the one who’s going to have to get up in the middle of the night, and change dirty diapers. I have the easy part. I just carry her around for a short time, then hand her to you.”
“Yes, I guess you're right. I think I should get going. Carla will be off duty in a little while.”
“And we don’t need her to think you're spending all your time over here.” She gave him her crooked smile, “Good night, Chakotay.”
“Sleep well, Kathryn."
*********
Carla knew already. She was barely in the door before she confronted Chakotay. “Just how long were you in there. I counted at least an hour.”
“Carla, she’s carrying our child. Don’t you think you could take the time to get to know her? You might actually like her.” He really didn’t understand her animosity. It was getting tiring.
“I have no need to get to know her. She’s the captain; she doesn’t need friends.”
“How could you say that? I really don’t understand you. Don’t you understand that she’s a person, too? She saved the life of our daughter; you could at least be civil to her.”
“I don’t need to. You spend enough time with her for the two of us. You’re with her all day on the bridge. Why do you need to go over there after hours too?”
Chakotay took a deep breath; he knew this pattern all to well. If he didn’t stop it, she was going to explode.
“Listen, Chakotay, I’m sorry. This has been a lot for me to handle. I’m sorry. My temper can be worse than a Klingons. We got ourselves into a big mess; we didn’t plan on any kind of future together. We didn’t plan on that baby, but now it’s coming. I’m still trying to deal with that. Maybe we shouldn’t have asked the doctor to save the baby. It doesn’t even feel like mine anymore. I try to like the captain, I really do. But then I watch her. She’s enjoying this, Chakotay. It’s my baby and she’s already loving her, and I don’t even know her. I can’t really explain this. I know I’m not making sense.” She hadn't even wanted the baby; her plans for termination had already been made. It was Chakotay's pleading with her late one night that convinced her to give it a try. She had begun to accept the fact that she would be a mother and although she wasn't entirely thrilled with it yet, she felt that, in time, she might be able to come to terms with it and possibly be a good mother. Then came the accident, the Captain carrying the baby, it was all too much; easier to ignore the baby now rather than deal with it all.
“You are, to a point. I know we didn’t plan the baby, but she’s here. I’m more than ready to love her and take care of her. You really need to get to that point. If not, then I’ll do this by myself.”
Carla sat on the couch and leaned back. “I know, I … I’ll figure this out.”
*********
Well, this did complicate things. Chakotay knew how he felt about all this, but to truly hear Carla’s feelings complicated things. He wanted this baby. Once that little life had been formed, it became his. He knew Carla was trying to be excited about the pregnancy, but now that she no longer carried his child, it sounded as if she didn’t want it. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. When he thought of the future -- getting married, having children -- it didn’t include Carla. Yet the two of them had created this child.
Now, the woman with whom he wanted a future was carrying his child. Although she seemed to be quite content with the circumstances, she too seemed to be anxious to give the child to him and not look back. Oh, he knew that she would want to have a small part in the baby’s life, but he had ruined his chance with Kathryn when he lay in bed with Carla.
*********
Kathryn sat in the center chair, knowing she had to get up and go to her ready room, but not quite ready to do it. Now in the seventh month, the pregnancy was getting increasingly uncomfortable. Nearly every step took an effort on her part and she was constantly out of breath, not to mention stretched all out l of proportion, and she still had a couple months to go.
A couple months if this baby was lucky that is. The latest exam by the doctor cast doubt on whether she would be able to carry the baby to full term. The one thing the doctor didn’t anticipate was the fact that Chakotay and Carla were much larger than Kathryn, and that had resulted in a larger baby. The doctor began to wonder just how much more time this baby would have before delivery. He had reduced her shifts to half days, and told her he wanted her off her feet every moment she was off duty. She hadn’t yet told Chakotay the doctor's news because he had seemed distracted [discouraged, depressed] the past few months. He and Carla hadn't been getting along very well. Kathryn knew he would worry too much about her, and he didn’t need that right now so she hadn't told him.
Kathryn decided her bladder couldn’t wait one minute longer, so she gradually pushed herself up from her chair and proceeded towards her ready room. She was only inside the door for two seconds when the chime rang.
She groaned, “Come in, Chakotay.”
“Are you ok, Kathryn?” His voice was filled with concern.
“I will be if I make it to the bathroom.” She laughed as she made her way to the bathroom door.
He waited patiently for her to exit, then attacked. “What’s wrong Kathryn?” he demanded.
“Nothing, I’m fine now.” She lied.
“You are not fine. You are walking like you are in pain. This is my baby. Now tell me what's wrong.” He was getting angry. Why did she always have to be so stubborn?
“There isn't a lot of room for the baby and when she shifts her position, it gets a little uncomfortable for a while, that’s all.” Hopefully he would take that answer and drop the subject.
He didn’t. “What do you mean, there isn't a lot of room?”
“Well, I’m smaller than some women and your baby may be too big for me to carry to full term. The baby is just in cramped quarters right now. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I just have to move a little slower and take it easy.”
“Well, Kathryn, you're not taking it easy. You shouldn’t be on the bridge. You should be in your quarters or on the holodeck relaxing.”
“You will not tell me what to do, Commander. I am perfectly capable of commanding this ship and will continue to do so until I decide other wise. Is that clear?” Kathryn's voice was louder than normal but her tone booked not argument.
“Yes, ma’am.” Chakotay acknowledged here order, turned on his heel and left without further comment.
“Good one, Kathryn,” she said to herself
as she plopped onto the couch.
*********
Chakotay stopped himself outside of the door. Damn! What had made him say that? He should really known better than to say that to her. She was already making a huge sacrifice and he knew he shouldn’t have told her to give up even if it was only temporarily. He suddenly realized he was standing in the middle of the bridge.
“Tuvok, you have the bridge. I’ll be in my office.”
Once inside, he opened the comm. link to the ready room. “Kathryn, are you there?”
“Yes, Chakotay, what is it?” she still sounded upset.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I did.”
“Apology accepted. I’m sorry, too. I guess I’m a little touchy today.”
“Understandable. Friends again?”
“Of course. Don’t worry about me. I’m already lying down. I just hope I can get back up. I wonder how am I going to make it through two more months.”
“You’ll make it, and call me if you can’t get up. I’ll come help you.”
“Thank you, I just might need it.”
**********
Chakotay rang the chime to Kathryn's quarters. He had convinced her to take the day off since her back had been hurting her. The doctor had backed him up saying that the more bed rest she got, the greater her chances of carrying the baby to full term. The door opened up, and he entered the dimly lit cabin.
“I’m in the bedroom, Chakotay.” She called out. “This is the first time in a long time I spent all day in bed.”
“Hey, you deserve it. I brought you those reports, as promised. I summed them up for you since they were all routine.” He handed her the reports and took a seat on the edge of the bed. Kathryn tried to sit up to read them, wincing as she did.
“Are you in that much pain, Kathryn?” He asked concerned.
He knew her so well. “Yes, quite a bit actually. I think this baby has taken position sideways or something. I really can’t wait for this to be over.”
“Here, let me help you. I think you remember I can give a mean backrub.”
She laughed. “As much as I would love to say yes, I don’t think that would go over so well with Carla.”
“I don’t care,” he stated. “She barely talks to me anymore. You're carrying my child, Kathryn. Let me help. It’s the least I can do.” He grabbed a couple pillows and laid them on her lap. He helped her lean forward onto them, then took a spot behind her. Grabbing the bottle of lotion that was beside her bed, he first pushed up her shirt then applied some lotion to his hands, then began working his magic on her back. The soft groan she gave him told him it was working.
“That feels wonderful, thank you.”
“You are most welcome.” He commented then continued the massage.
Chakotay could tell Kathryn was relaxing. The knots in her back were lessening. He let his hands wander to her stomach, “Hello in there. Now that I got your mo… auntie's back feeling better, you better behave and not irritate it again.”
Kathryn noticed the slip and sighed, “I feel much better, thank you. I think I’ll truly get some rest now.”
Taking the hint, he stood up., “Glad I could help. If you need anything else, let me know.”
“I will.” She watched him leave then sank back onto the bed. “All the reminders that you just aren’t mine.” She couldn’t explain her feelings. For the longest time, it was just a baby. She was doing something for a friend; it had been easy to distance herself and resign herself to just being the surrogate. But lately, it seemed that as the pregnancy increased along with the discomfort, her bond with the baby grew. She loved the fact that a simple caress of her hand across her belly calmed the active baby. The baby responded to her as she responded to it. She was not looking forward to the day when she had to hand the baby to her parents and walk away.
**********
Kathryn had four weeks to go, four long weeks. She had gone off duty two weeks ago, and found herself extremely bored. She found herself wandering Voyager's corridors at odd times just to keep herself entertained. Because of her size she couldn’t wander far without getting tired so she made her trips short, but at least she got out.
Kathryn thought a lot about the fact that in the past two months she hadn’t seen Carla once. Before that, she had only seen her once in a while for short visits. For a person who was going to be a mother shortly, Carla seemed disinterested. Kathryn knew Carla and Chakotay had been having trouble, but that was no reason to ignore the baby. Ok, so the baby wasn’t here yet, but Kathryn knew this baby recognized other people. The baby now responded to Chakotay, each touch to her belly brought a kick.
Kathryn still had not been able to resolve her feelings about the baby. She hadn’t yet talked to anyone about it. She knew she should, but she didn’t want to admit her feelings to them. She swore to everyone that she could handle giving up the baby; she didn’t want to admit that she couldn’t. Once the baby was gone, she would deal with it then. She had to deal with grief in the past; she would use those experiences to help her with this.
**********
Kathryn was making her way back to the turbo lift after a short walk. She arrived at the same time as Ensign Kim. “Ensign, how are you doing today?”
“Fine, Captain, and you?”
“Oh, never better, just restless. I’ve had a small backache all day. I thought a bit of a walk would help.”
“And did it?”
She laughed. “No, it didn’t, but at least I got out of that prison.”
He laughed. “Yeah, that has got to be driving you crazy!”
“It is, I …” She gasped and grabbed her belly.
“Captain, are you all right?” He asked with a panicked look on his face.
She didn’t have to answer, the puddle at her feet told him all he needed to know.
“Oh, shit! Sorry, I just somehow knew something like this would happen to me someday. I really hate turbo lifts sometimes.”
“Relax, Harry, I probably have some time here. Let's just get me to sick bay, and you’ll be off the hook.”
“Right. Computer, change destination to sickbay.” The beep told them they were now headed in the right direction.
There was a sudden jerk by the turbo lift, then all lights went out.
“Commander, report.” Janeway managed to yell out.
“Don’t worry, Captain, an unidentified ship came out of hiding and fired on us, but we managed to scare them off. There's only minor damage: turbo lifts are out, so are transporters, and a few other minor problems. We’re working on them.”
“Well, go ahead and worry now, Chakotay. I’m in one of those turbo lifts and your child has decided now is a good time to….” She couldn’t finish her sentence as another contraction started.
“Commander, I am with her right now. Her contractions are about five minutes apart. We have emergency lighting. How soon until you can get us out of here?” Harry picked up on the conversation.
“Hang on, I’ll see.” Chakotay opened a comm. line to engineering. “Chakotay to Belanna, how long before you can get those turbo lifts working?”
“Not any time soon. The relays are completely fried we have to replace them all.”
“Well, hurry it up. The captain is in one of them, and she’s in labor.”
“We’re on it. Torres out.”
Chakotay immediately called Kathryn back and let her know the situation. He spent the remaining time pacing the bridge, putting everyone on edge more than they were before.
*********
It seemed like hours had passed but it was actually only 45 minutes. The contractions were coming back to back now, and they were strong. Unfortunately despite the fast pace of the contractions, Harry could see no sign that the birth would happen soon. The captain was in a lot of pain. Harry had a feeling it was a lot more than she was will to admit. “Is there any way to hurry this up, Belanna?” Harry risked irritating the volatile Klingon only because of his concern over the captain.
“Just a few more minutes, Harry. The doctor is already outside the turbo lift. Relax.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” he said, but was suddenly interrupted when Kathryn let out a completely different cry.
“OOOOOh….God.” she was panting hard and tears were now welling up in her eyes. “Something's not right,” she managed to say.
Before Harry could respond, he felt the turbo lift move then the doors opened and the doctor entered. Te quickly took over the situation scanning the captain. “The baby is stuck. We need to get her to sick bay now.” He ordered. Carefully he lifted her and quickly carried her to sickbay.
She hadn’t ever felt this much pain. It was nonstop now. She was having trouble breathing. She knew the doctor was talking to her but she couldn’t understand what he was saying. His face was the last thing she saw before she blacked out.
*********
“Captain, it’s nice to have you back.”
Kathryn had just woken up. “The baby?”
“She’s fine and at home with her parents. It was close. We thought we lost you there for a minute, but you’ll be fine now. You can return to your quarters later tonight.”
“Just how long have I been here?”
“Two days. You’ll be a little sore. We had to remove the baby by cesarean section. The transporters were down and the baby was too large to deliver naturally.
“Chakotay to Janeway.” Obviously the doctor had told him she was waking up.
“Yes, Chakotay.” She answered wearily.
“I just wanted to contact you to let you know I was thinking of you. Doc said you were awake.”
“Yes, I am, finally.” She still felt out of sorts.
“Well, I would come for a visit, but this little one has me pretty busy.”
She laughed. “So what did you name her? You never told me a name.”
“Cheyanna Elizabeth.”
“That’s a beautiful name, Chakotay.” Kathryn was fighting back the tears.
“Will you come and see us when the doctor releases you?” He asked.
“I will soon, ok?”
“Umm, ok. I’ll let you get some rest. Kathryn?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you.” The joy in his voice was evident.
“You’re welcome, Chakotay.” Kathryn lay on the biobed and closed her eyes hoping for sleep. She felt so empty.
*********
The doctor released her a few hours later. She made her way to her quarters, stepped in and got as far as her couch before she completely broke down. She sank to the floor, drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them, and she cried.
*********
Chakotay was attempting to calm the crying infant by walking around the room when B'Elanna rang the door. He called for her to enter and turned back to Cheyanna.
“Having a bit of trouble there, old man?”
“She won’t stop crying; she won’t take the bottle. B'Elanna, I really have no clue as to what I’m doing here.” He stated helplessly.
She took the baby from his arms. “So, any word from Carla?”
“Yes, I heard from her all right. She sent me a padd saying she wants her parental rights terminated, and she wished me good luck.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. I don’t blame her really. She hasn't felt part of this since the accident, and she didn’t want the baby in the first place. I gave her the option to get out of the picture, and she took it.”
“What about the captain?”
“What about her? She was under no obligation here. She made it quite clear that she wasn’t entirely thrilled with the pregnancy. She couldn’t wait for it to be over.”
“You can’t possibly be that stupid. Just because she wanted the pregnancy to be over doesn't mean she doesn't love this baby. It was obvious that she did.”
“Well, she didn’t say anything to me about wanting the baby. Didn’t you say Tom was coming with you?” He was trying to change the subject.
“Tom will be here as soon as he’s done checking on the captain. And why would she say she wants her. As far as any of us knew, the baby already had a mother.”
“B'Elanna forget it. Please.”
“Well, at least I got her to eat a little from the bottle. She’s now out like a light.”
“Thanks, Bela. I just hope this gets easier.”
*********
Tom rang the chime to the captain's quarters for the third time. He didn’t really want to barge in, but if she didn’t answer, he would. He waited another minute then entered the medical override. He saw her right away on the floor by the couch hugging her knees, and sobbing uncontrollably.
“Captain, are you alright?” he asked, concerned.
She just shook her head, not trusting words yet. He took a spot next to her and pulled her to him. She took the comfort, and lay her head on his shoulder.
It took a while before her sobbing ceased, “ I thought I could do this, Tom. I thought I could just hand her over, but I can’t. I love her so. I carried her, nurtured her. But she’s gone; she’ not mine to have.”
“It’ll take time for you to come to terms with this. You know I’m here, right? And I’m sure Chakotay wants to be there for you. Have you told him how you feel?” The Doctor had expected her to react like this, which was the very reason Tom was sent in to check up on her.
“No, I can’t do that. He’ll just feel guilty, and he shouldn’t. I knew what I was getting into, I just didn’t count on falling in love with her before I ever laid eyes on her.”
“Have you gone to see her yet?”
“No. I don’t think I’m ready to do that. If I hold her, I’ll never be able to let go. I need to get past this first." She took a deep breath, " Thanks, Tom, but I think I want to take a bath and get to bed.”
“All right, but call me anytime, for anything. Ok?”
“I will, thanks.”
*********
Tom arrived at Chakotay’s quarters an hour late. “Hey, where have you been, I expected you an hour ago?” asked B'Elanna.
“Sorry, the captain was in pretty bad shape. I thought I would sit with her for a while,” explained Tom.
“What do you mean, she’s in pretty bad shape?” Chakotay was concerned.
“Well, Chakotay, you have to understand. She carried that baby, bonded with her, gave birth to her, and then she had to give her up. She’s taking it pretty hard. Give her some time, she’ll be ok.” Tom didn’t want to tell him all that, but felt he really should know. “Where’s Carla?”
“Carla’s gone; she doesn’t want the baby. And now you’re telling me Kathryn does?”
“Well, I don’t want to put words in her mouth, but considering the first 45 minutes I spent with her she was crying too much to talk, and when she could talk said how much she loved the baby . . . well maybe you should just talk to her. But go easy, ok?”
“Yes, of course I will. This is like a dream. All this time I’ve wished she was the mother of Cheyanna, and she thought… well, I’m going to cut this visit short. Cheyanna and I have to go pay someone a visit.”
**********
As Kathryn was stepping out of the tub the door to her quarters rang. She groaned, not really wanting any more visitors, but answered the door after she threw on her peach satin robe.
“Chakotay, I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Well, Tom was at my place a few minutes ago. I think we need to talk.” Kathryn knew immediately that Tom had told Chakotay what she had said about the baby.
“He had no right to tell you that. I will deal with this, just give me time.”
“Kathryn, I’m not dealing with this well either. This child has no mother. The woman who is conceived her doesn’t want her, and has severed her parental rights. And the woman who does want her, thinks we don’t need her or want her in our lives.” He looked at her for a reaction to his words, but couldn’t yet see one. “I need to know how to fix this.”
“Carla doesn’t want her?” She couldn’t believe anyone would walk away from such a beautiful little girl.
“I think you put more my relationship with Carla than was ever there. Yes, I tried to make it work; I liked her. And this baby means more to me than you could ever know. But Carla and I weren’t meant to be, and she wasn’t ready for this. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents.” He stopped to shift Cheyanna who was beginning to fuss. “Kathryn, I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to be presumptuous. I was afraid to hope you might want to keep Cheyanna. You have to know that I never stopped loving you. And I would be honored if you would be a part of our lives.”
Kathryn couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. “I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want, Kathryn? Forget protocol and fear. Right now, right this minute, what do you want?”
Her voice was almost a whisper. “You, and Cheyanna.”
The baby’s fussing was turning into crying, “Then why don’t you feed your daughter?” He said handing the baby to her.
She took her hesitantly, than walked to the couch and sat down. She exposed her breast and placed the baby to it. It had only been a couple days so the milk hadn't even come in yet, but still plenty for the baby to eat. The baby greedily latched on and began nursing.
Chakotay sat next to Kathryn and watched the scene in front of him with awe. “Now I think that’s the best she’s eaten yet. This is what she was waiting for.” He smiled at the two of them. This is what he had been waiting for. “I know this won’t be easy. We have a long road ahead of us and a lot to work out.”
“What about us, Chakotay? There has never been an 'us' before. How do we explain all of this to her?”
“'Us' will happen if and when we’re ready for it to happen. You're my best friend, Kathryn. I know this isn’t a mistake. I know how I feel about you; I know how I think you feel about me. The rest will happen in good time. You are Cheyanna’s mother, you may not have conceived her, but you carried her and you loved her. That’s what we’ll tell her. You loved her enough to save her, to carry her in your body. She will understand.”
“And Carla? What about her?”
“Kathryn, Carla doesn’t want this. I don’t want Carla. I was willing to raise the baby with her, but there wouldn’t have been more. We tried a relationship and it didn’t work. I won’t put her down, but I told her if she decided she didn’t want to be a part of this then don’t come back later on. She knows that her decision put her completely out of our lives; she understands that.”
“I guess I’m just finding it so hard to understand her walking away. How can she not love her?” Kathryn couldn’t stop staring at the nursing infant. She already had a head full of dark hair, her skin was going to be dark like her daddy's, and it looked like her eyes would be dark brown. Beautiful, she was absolutely beautiful.
“She loves her, Kathryn;, she loves her enough to walk away. She knows that she wasn’t meant for this. Don’t think of her as bad because she isn’t ready to be a mother.”
“I don’t. I guess I do understand. We will work this out. I know I love you, and I know I love Cheyanna. I guess that’s all we need for our new beginning.”
Chakotay kissed the top of Kathryn's head. He had everything he needed; the Angry Warrior had truly found peace.
End
2000-09-26
revised 2002-02-17