Life
Turns
by Sheri
rated R
Chakotay sat staring at the padd contained in his padd. It was the last letter he received from Kathryn. Oh how he missed her, but that was part of his fault. He had gotten involved with ensign Carol Philips before Voyager arrived to earth, and when they got home, he was really hoping to make it work. Kathryn had wished him well and remained in Starfleet. She even sent him an occasional letter, telling him of her adventures, but then they stopped. He never had an explanation. The last letter he received sounded like a nervous one, she didn't say what the mission was, she couldn't, yet is said that it was high priority, and very important. There was something in the words that told him Kathryn Janeway wasn't too pleased with this one.
He laid the padd on the table and proceeded to his bedroom to change, He had to meet Tom and Belanna in 20 minutes for dinner and he didn't want to be late. Ever since Carol had left, he had been so lonely, and so he thoroughly enjoyed his visits with Tom and Belanna and they're tiny son. He knew he and Carol weren't meant to be. He often wondered just how much he loved her. She was good company, had a bouncy personality, and the sex wasn't bad either. But in the end that wasn't enough to sustain the relationship and they both agreed to part ways. That was 3 months ago. It had been 8 months since he last heard from Kathryn.
*********
“That was delicious Belanna, Thanks for having me,” Chakotay commented.
“Any time Chakotay, you know that. So are you going to tell me what's bothering you or do I have to beat it out of you.”
“Hey, I'm holding Owen, that makes me defenseless at this moment.” He laughed, glancing down at the tiny infant. “I just found the last letter Kathryn wrote me, you know, regrets.”
“Still haven't heard from her, have you?” asked Belanna.
“No, I haven't.”
“Well, we might not be in Starfleet anymore but Tom still has some pull with his Dad. Maybe he could tell us something.”
“Well, it couldn't hurt to give it a try. Thanks.”
“Yeah, and Harry could look into it too. He's the only Starfleet one left in this bunch. Hey Harry, you wouldn't mind would you?” Yelled Belanna.
“Wouldn't mind what?” he yelled back from the other room.
“Trying to find the Captain.”
“I've actually tried. It got me nowhere. She doesn't want to be found, that's what I've been told. I was also told last week, when I last asked about her. That she felt she had to cut ties with everyone left from Voyager, that life was over and it got her nowhere. I don't know, it sounded kind of heartless to me.” There was a sadness in Harry's voice. “Sorry, I didn't want to tell you Chakotay.”
“Well, I guess I deserve it, don't I. If that's what she wants, that's fine with me.” He lied.
Belanna said nothing else. What could she say?
*********
A couple more months passed by, not entirely happy ones. Chakotay got word that Carol was getting married, to a man that Chakotay had assumed was just a friend when they were together. Obviously he had been wrong. She apologized to him but said she was happy now, I guess that's all that matters. He didn't understand his bad luck streak with women. Between Seska, Riley, Kellin, carol and Kathryn he was fed up.
Harry was confused too, only his was with Starfleet. It seemed he was being given one dull mission after another. He had been home a little over a year now and the career that was a life long dream was now becoming a disappointment. He decided he needed a new focus, and he decided that focus would be Captain Kathryn Janeway. It bothered him how she could so completely dismiss her entire “family” like she did. He would find her, let her know how she hurt everyone, and hopefully regain a new focus on his own life.
His search was going slow but he was making progress, he now knew she was living in Indiana, but not at her mothers house, the exact location was unknown. Well he got this far, if he was patient, maybe he would reach his goal.
*********
It took Harry another month to cut through the red tape, bypass it actually, but he had it, her address.
He hurried to Tom and BE'lanna’s apartment excited by the news. When he arrived he suddenly realized it wasn't a good time. Chakotay was there, and by the sound of his voice he wasn't happy. He rang the chime anyway.
“Hi Harry, come on in.” Tom said stepping aside to let his friend in the door.
“Did I come at a bad time.” He asked.
“No not really. Chakotay got some unwanted news. It seemed Carol stopped by, she's pregnant.” Harry's eyes got suddenly wide. “No, its not his. Its her fiancées. He's basically feeling sorry for himself.” Explained Tom.
“Well, I have hopefully better new.” He said stepping into the living room. “ I found the Captains address.”
“I don't want it. She's made her point and I'm not going to bother her anymore.” Yelled Chakotay and he quickly left the apartment.
Harry looked disappointed. “Hey, don't worry about him, he needs time to adjust to this. He isn't really liking the way his life turned out.” Belanna reassured.
“What should we do with this. We have her address. Do we go see her?”
“I don't think so Harry, Chakotay is right, she made her choice, I think we should just let her be.” Said Belanna.
“Fine. If that's what you think, than fine.” He said, slamming the padd onto the table.
“Come on Harry, let's get something to eat. The mood definitely needs to be changed.
“You're right, let's eat.”
**********
It was still bothering Harry a week later, he knew he had some time off coming so he put in a request for an immediate vacation. It was granted, so he made the plans to head to Indiana tomorrow. He wouldn't tell the others, he would get the answers first.
**********
He was a little nervous. He had arrived in her hometown a half-hour ago, and began the short trek to her house. It was an isolated farmhouse, quite a distance a way from town. He finally arrived at her house, and proceeded to knock at the door. A few minutes passed and still there was nothing, he knocked again planning on simply leaving a note if no one answered.
The door opened to reveal Kathryn Janeway, “Harry, what are you doing here?” she asked sounding a little angry.
“Well Captain, to tell the truth, I was worried about you. Its been a little over a year, and no one has heard anything from you.”
“Did you ever stop to think that's maybe how I wanted it to be.” She answered curtly.
“Well I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, but we, the crew, spent 7 years together, I think that would mean we could at least get an explanation.” He was getting just as angry.
“I don't have to give you any explanation. Now if you would just please leave.” She said as she began shutting the door in his face.
“Captain, please….” Harry began.
“I am not your Captain any more, Can't you just leave me alone?”
“Sorry, I'm not used to calling you Kathryn. What the hell happened to you?” he asked concerned.
“None of your god damn business. Now take the hint and leave!”
“I'm sorry Kathryn,” he started, stressing her name, “ but you're acting like a selfish child. We do deserve an explanation, and I'm not leaving till I get one.”
She once again started to close the door in his face, but he would have none of that. He quickly put his hand on the door and pushed it open. He was so fed up with everyone treating him like the baby, he was a grown man now, and he was going to prove it.
“Kathryn, stop it, you will not shove this door in my face a second time.” He was angry, and he was showing her just how angry he was. “What is wrong with you? that crew was always there for you, and you return the favor by acting like a selfish bitch who is too good for us. You hurt a lot of people and its time for you to make up for that, in one way or another.
Kathryn froze, for the first time, she was afraid of him; she backed up into the wall and looked for a place to run. She couldn't though, she was frozen in one place, her entire body began to shake and she couldn't stop the tears from falling. Harry made another step towards her and she let out a terrified cry.
“Kathryn, I'm not going to hurt you, how could you think I would. What happened to you.” He was immediately sorry for the way he was approaching this.
She still couldn't speak, her mind so clouded with the horror of what happened over a year ago, that she had a hard time seeing past that fear. She had long ago lost the strength she once possessed, she longed for it to return, but that was a difficult step to take. Maybe this would be her chance, maybe she should try to trust him and allow a chance for her life to take a better turn.
The cry of a baby from the other room broke the trance; she blinked once and walked away. Harry wasn't sure what he should do. He should probably leave, try this another day when she would be calmer, but that baby crying had him curious, he had to go see what this was all about.
He followed her into the dimly lit bedroom to find Kathryn bent over a crib. She reached in and pulled up the baby, put it on the changing table to change its diaper, whispering calming words to it all the time.
“So who is this?” asked Harry.
“Cheyenne, my daughter.” Answered Kathryn in a whisper.
“Is this why you stopped the letters to Chakotay, you met someone else?”
“She is part of the reason I stopped the letters, but not the only reason. I didn't think any of you would really want me around if you knew, and I didn't really want to be around anyone, it was hard to deal with all of this.” She picked up the baby, and hesitated a moment ‘ she could do this’. She handed the little girl to Harry, and looked away, waiting for his reaction.
He was speechless; this was not what he was expecting. The little baby, who looked to be about 4 months old, was half Cardasian. He examined her, her skin was a bit paler than Kathryn's was but it wasn't scaly like them. Her little face bore only a small resemblance to them, with the spot faintly on her forehead. He ran his hands along her neck, no extended tendons, at least not yet. There was A little bit of dark hair on her head. “She's beautiful, you were hiding this? Please, tell me what happened.”
She took a deep breath and guided him to the couch. “This isn't easy, I don't like remembering it. It happened on that last mission I wrote Chakotay about. We were headed for the Cardasian border. There was talk that they were back to their old tricks and our mission was to find proof. Our ship was small, hopefully so we would've remained undetected, but it didn't work, we were shot down. They immediately took us to the prison camps. Believe me, when people say they're horrifying there, they are not kidding. We were treated like animals, beaten on a daily basis. And their treatment of women was no exaggeration either. Any way they could find to humiliate me, they did. They all took their turns doing what they wanted, how many times they wanted. I was there for two weeks. Two weeks too long.”
“Kathryn, God…”
“Please let me finish, or I never will. When I was rescued, I was in shock. I nearly had given up any hope of getting out of there. Part of me wanted to curl up and die rather than face anyone again. The councilors tried to help, they did a little but then I found out I was pregnant. Starfleet said not to worry, they would terminate the baby right away so I could get on with my career. Suddenly I understood everything the maquis said. These people didn't care, they were deciding for me, my entire life. I walked away. I couldn't kill the baby, there had been enough death in my lifetime, there would be no more. I went home, to my sister, she now lived in my moms house.”
“That's right, your mom died before you got home, I'm sorry.”
“Thanks Harry, oh how I needed her, I thought my sister would be there to help. But she thought I should terminate the pregnancy too. She said she didn't know if she could love a half Cardasian child. I decided to move here to my grandmother's old house. The rest is obvious, I stay here, by my self.”
“Well, I hope I can put an end to that, there is no reason to be alone. On Voyager we all understood why you isolated yourself, but we didn't like it. But here on earth, We won't stand for it. Tell me, how did you really feel about Chakotay?”
“I don't think that matter's any more. He's happy.” That was a painful subject too.
“Humor me, how do you feel about him?” He asked for a second time.
“I loved him, more than anything. I had hoped when we got home, I could tell him. But he had Carol, and I wasn't about to interfere.”
“Well, Carol and he didn't exactly work out. In fact, she was seeing someone else. She left Chakotay for the other guy, and is now pregnant.”
“Oh god, Chakotay must feel awful.”
“You could say that, he's been a real bear.”
“What about Tom and Belanna, didn't she find out she was pregnant when we got home?” she asked.
“Yes, they had a boy, Owen. He's adorable.” Harry looked down at the squirming little bundle in his arms, “Uh, Kathryn, unless I'm mistaken, I think Cheyenne is hungry.” The baby was greedily sucking on his fist.
Kathryn laughed, “ I guess you could say that, here hand her to me.” She took the baby and placed her to her breast, the baby didn't waste any time, and began eating.
“You know you two make a pretty picture.” Commented Harry.
Kathryn glanced away shyly and said “Oh Harry, I'm really glad you came to knock some sense into my head.”
“I'm glad to be of service.” It was nice to see her smile again.
*********
Harry stayed with her for 3 days. They spent the time getting to know one another again. Kathryn healed a lot in those days, but now Harry felt she needed to take the next step.
It was the morning of the 4th day when he confronted her, “I think we should invite the others out here for dinner tonight.”
“I don't know about that.” She stated.
“Well I do. They're your friends, if you let them come over you'll see.” Harry tried to convince her.
“But Chakotay….”
“But nothing, he'll be thrilled to see you, and he'll love Cheyenne. I’ll go send Belanna the invitation. I won't tell them were they'll be coming to, just to come, it'll be a surprise.”
The look she gave him said she was still unsure, but she didn't stop him. He had helped her out so much in the little time he was here; maybe he was right about this too.
*********
Belanna sat reading the strange invitation harry had sent her. Invitation hell, it was more like a demand.
“So what does it say?” asked Tom, with Chakotay looking on curiously.
“It says, ‘ we three are cordially invited to attend dinner this evening, hosted by Harry and his two new friends. We are expected to arrive at 1700 hours, dress casual.’”
“He didn't say who his two new friends are, did he.” Asked Chakotay.
“No I read you the whole message, well I suppose we have to go.” She laughed, “and no backing out Chakotay.”
Chakotay laughed, “ yes ma'am.”
They followed Harry's directions to the letter and found them standing outside the old farmhouse, “That house must be at least 300 to 400 years old wow. Well come on.”
They knocked at the door and were promptly greeted by Harry, “I'm glad you came in.”
“So who is this person, a new girl friend?” teased Belanna.
“Well they are girls, and they are friends, but that's it. Get your mind out of the gutter Belanna. Hey they're here.” He yelled to the unseen person.
“We'll be right out, she's still eating.” Came the familiar voice.
“What's going on Harry, I recognized that voice.” Chakotay wasn't in the mood for any games.
“Well its a long story, and its not my place to tell it, keep an open mind, and you'll see it'll all be ok now.”
Kathryn came out of the room and hesitantly greeted the bunch. They were all a little shocked at the fact that she was carrying an infant, but stuck to the greeting. “Hello Kathryn, its been a long time.”
“Yes, too long, why don't you come and sit down. I'm dying to see this Owen.”
Belanna thought it was the perfect time to break the ice, “well, why don't we swap kids for a moment.” She began to hand Owen over but Kathryn still held onto her own.
Harry interrupted
by taking Cheyenne, allowing Kathryn to take Owen. He handed the baby to
Belanna, “Her name is Cheyenne, she's 4 months old.”
Belanna gasped quietly,
and began to take inventory the same as Harry did. She then got up and
handed the baby to Chakotay, now he would understand everything.
He looked the child over, then smiled at her, “Kathryn, she's so beautiful, gods she looks just like you.” He got up and sat nearer to her, “Don't push me away Kathryn, I've missed you so, I wish I was there for you.”
“You don't know what happened Chakotay, you might not…”
“You'll tell me in time, but I have a feeling I already know. I wish you would've told me, let me help you.”
“You're here now, and that's what counts.” Interrupted Harry. “Come on, let's eat, Don't worry, I did the cooking.”
Kathryn reached to retrieve the baby, but Chakotay steered her away, “I think she's perfectly fine with me, I almost have got her to sleep.”
“You don't have to…”
“I want to Kathryn, in fact, I'm not sure I ever want to put her down.” He laughed.
********
Dinner went well, Tom and Belanna had just left. This time taking Harry with them. That left Kathryn and Chakotay alone together, in a now, very quiet house; The baby had long ago fallen asleep. Kathryn wasn't too sure what to do or say, or why he was still here, ‘guess I should just ask him’, “So why are you still here?”
“I've missed you Kathryn. God, I lo…I guess I just want to be here, if that's ok. I don't know, I know how I feel about you, how I've always felt about you. I understood why you pushed me away on Voyager, and I hope you understand why I started the relationship with Carol.”
“I do, it wouldn't have been fair of me to hold you back.”
“Well, I think there is more you need to understand. I had strong feelings for her. In the end, I don't know if I can call those feelings love or not. It never compared to how a felt about you. I pushed those feelings aside, and concentrated on the now. When we got home I guess I felt obligated to try to continue with her. I know that sounds harsh, but I couldn't just walk away and say ‘it’s been nice, but I love Kathryn.” He thought about his next words. “I was upset about what she did, but not because of her doing it to me. But that it felt as if I wasted time, that I could have spent with you. Not talking to you was killing me, and now if feel as if we've been given a second chance, and I want to try it.”
“How could you want me after…”
“No don't even think that, you know I love you, I hope you would know that wouldn't make a difference with me. Its something we can work on together, to help you feel better about yourself. I see the Kathryn I once knew hidden in there, she isn't hidden to deep is she?”
She smiled, it would be hard but it sounded oh so worth it. “No, I don't think she's hidden too deep. Maybe with a little help, she can come back to the surface.”
He leaned close, and kissed her, a small gentle kiss on the lips. A kiss that promised so much more.
**********
Epilogue:
The little girl sat by the window peering out impatiently. "Why they not here yet auntie Be"
"They will be soon Chey, have patience" replied Belanna.
"But I don't have patience, they need to get here" Chey replied. Then she squealed, "lookie they're here, AUNTIE BE, LOOK!"
She ran to the door to greet her parents, bouncing up and down "Let me see mommy, let me see" her little two year old hand reaching for the blue blanket.
"Cheyenne, go have a seat and Daddy will give you your brother, remember he's little, be vary careful" replied Kathryn.
Chakotay followed her carrying his newborn son, and carefully laid the baby in the little girls arms "Oh mamma, he looks just like me!"
Kathryn laughed and cried at the same time, “yes, honey he sure does.” She now knew that its the decision you make that depends on how your life turns out. She finally made the right ones, and she couldn't ask for a better life.
End
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