Authors note: just a slight warning that this deals with the subject of suicide although there is no description in the story!
Losing Him
rated pg13
by sheri
I sit here in the dark. My breathing is the only sound that permeates the darkened room and I cannot help but wonder if this is really my fault . My tears fall freely and I don't want them to stop, somehow they are cleansing my soul, washing away the hopelessness that threatens to take over.
I got the news just a few hours ago, he killed himself; no note but none was needed. I think I know the reason why. Could I have prevented it?
No, I couldn't.
He came to me shortly after Voyager miraculously appeared out of the trans warp hub and he told me of his undying love. He begged me to come with him, told me he had always loved me but I told him no.
I did not feel the same and there was no reason, or so I thought, to pretend otherwise.
I was confused. I thought he loved her, but if he did why did he come to me? Would he have left her for me? Would he have felt the same for me after loving her? Would it have been the same?
I know it wouldn't have been for me. I understood why he went to her and even was happy for him but I remember the betrayal I felt when I heard about it, the finality of it all. I had no right to feel that way yet the emotions I felt were almost too much to bear.
I draw up my knees and hug them to myself, my arms bringing me into a cocoon that I pretend will keep me safe; it does not help.
The tears come harder now, I can't stop them and find myself gasping for breath, sobs coming out vocally but that’s when I feel it, the strong arms, the strong body that wraps me up, pulling me close, reassuring me.
I sink back into his embrace, then feel myself lifted up, carried off, laid on my bed and then him climbing in next to me. He slowly caresses me, speaking softly. It's not my fault; I should not blame myself for this.
I know this but it helps to hear it come from him.
I feel sleep begin to claim me and before I drift off I have to let him know, "Thank you, Chakotay, I love you."
"I love you too, Kathryn, always and forever," he says.
He stays with me and I know now that it will be forever, for it was he, my Chakotay, that I loved not Mark, and to go to Mark would have been a lie. I will miss Mark and I hope he finds the peace that he no longer had. I wish I could have stopped him, could have done something to make him happy but no matter how many times I go over it in my head I know that I couldn't change what happened.
I have Chakotay now, my life, my love.