Thanks to Phoenix, for your help, it’s greatly
appreciated.
The Sounds of Silence
She sat there at her desk in her ready room, not yet daring to go out to the bridge. Kathryn Janeway was pissed, and she knew if she stepped out onto the bridge, she would take it out onto the entire bridge crew. She had been trying to have a better attitude lately, trying to make up for the way she acted there for a while. She honestly didn’t know what came over her when the Equinox arrived. Well that wasn’t entirely true, she knew why she acted that way, but there was still no excuse for it. But now, this pad, how dare he. She thought they were friends, although it was tough for a while there, still they were friends, weren’t they?
Now he had the pad delivered to her, not by himself, but some poor ensign.
The trouble began when they came upon that other ship, with a journey much like their own. It wasn’t the caretaker that displaced this ship but a wormhole they were investigating. They had gone through what they thought was a stable wormhole, when it collapsed behind them. There journey would take them close to the alpha quadrant so they decided to join together; it seemed to only make sense. They had been traveling with there new companions now for 2 months, friends had been made for some, for others it was just a sense of comfort knowing someone was watching their backs.
Chakotay had spent a lot of time over there helping out, the crew had lost their bridge officers when the wormhole collapsed, most were very young, some were older but inexperienced. One was a very beautiful woman, young, in her early 30’s, that had obviously attracted Chakotay’s attention. He never said anything to her about the young lady, but Kathryn began to wonder if something was going on between them. Oh he had every right to move on, she gave him no clue of her feelings. There was no doubt in her mind that she loved him, but to tell him would’ve been wrong. He should go on with his life, and if he were still single upon entering the alpha quadrant, well that would’ve been a different story.
Now she sat her with the padd in her hand, he was requesting a permanent position on the other ship. The ship needed a permanent captain, and he wanted to be it, at least until he could properly train someone. He made sure he put that part in there. He wasn’t abandoning her entirely; he wanted to come back, when his work was done. But that work could take one to two years, it might as well be permanent.
She understood why he wanted to help them, and she was also sure Tara had something to do with it. But to ask this with a padd, that’s what hurt her so much, couldn’t he have talked to her about this in person, didn’t she at least deserve that. She hit the button approving of the transfer; it would be the only thing she could do.
*******
Chakotay glanced at that padd that had just been delivered. She approved it. A part of him was sad that she did that she didn’t at least argue with him about it. He knew it was wrong doing it the way he did but he couldn’t bear facing her, knowing that she would be hurt.
He also knew that she thought this had something to do with Tara, it didn’t. The fact was the woman drove him crazier than Kathryn did. He was doing for that crew, they were all so young, so lost, he thought he could really help them. Tara did like him, and wasn’t shy about showing it, he just wasn’t attracted to her.
His bags were packed, and now with the approval, all he had to do was go. He made his way to the transporter room, she wasn’t there. Yes it was true that they would be travelling together for some of the trip, separating to investigate, he never really had to say goodbye, and he would see them all from time to time. He asked the ensign to energize.
*******
He honestly didn’t plan on getting lost, and that was exactly what happened. They had traveled with Voyager for 1 month, when an anomaly showed up on the sensors that would take them from Voyager for 4 to 5 days, they went to investigate, when they experienced a ship wide power failure. It took them 8 days just to get the minor systems back online. When the Com system and sensors were finally fixed, Voyager was nowhere to be seen. They fixed everything else, and set course for the alpha quadrant, hoping to see a sign of where the Voyager was.
That was 7 months ago, and still there was nothing. They continued on course.
Two days later, the young man, Ian, who he was training to be the Captain, shouted “I’m not sure sir but I think I may have found them. There too far away right now”
“Increase speed, let’s try to catch up.” He ordered excitedly.
*******
Sure enough, it was Voyager. He hailed them, Tuvok answered “Commander, it’s good to finally here from you.”
“It’s good to finally see you, what happened Tuvok.”
“We were both caught in a spatial wave front, you, were on the end, and no doubt suffered power failures. We on the other hand were in the middle of it. It basically picked us up and carried us several hundred light years. The damage to Voyager had been extensive, We had been planet side up until 6 weeks ago.”
“God, is everyone ok.” He asked concerned.
“We suffered only 2 fatalities, but several other severe injuries amongst the crew, they are still recovering.”
Chakotay suspected there was more to the story but also knew Tuvok wouldn’t say it over the COM. “I’ll transport over, this crew is ready to have their vessel back, and I am ready to come home”
“I’ll wait for your return then” answered Tuvok.
********
Belanna was the first to greet him in the transporter room. He was quite surprised to see her swollen belly, “Bella, I can’t believe it, a baby, wow.” He said enveloping her in a hug.
“Yes, this came as quite a surprise, I don’t even know when I had time to create this, but she’s coming.”
“When?”
“4 more months.”
She walked him to sick bay, she knew he had questions, She was afraid to give the answers.
*******
The doctor checked him over, he was obviously fine. He proceeded to his quarters, noticing the wary glances of the crew. He paused by the captains quarters, and heard soft music coming from behind the door. At least she wasn’t one of the fatalities, he wished she had come to see him, but she didn’t, he would deal with that later.
He had been in his quarters for only one-hour when the chime he had been waiting for rang through the room. She finally was coming to see him.
He was only slightly disappointed to find Belanna at the door. “Hi, you getting settled in?”
“Yeah, I am, It is good to be back.” He didn’t want small talk.
“OK, This isn’t easy Chakotay, so bare with me. First of all the casualties were ensigns Davis and Anton. I know you wanted to hear that first. I sent a list of the injuries suffered when the wave front hit to your computer, there is just too many to tell you here.” She took a deep breath, “I’m here to tell you about one.”
Did he really want to hear this?
“The Captain was helping me in engineering when the wave front hit. We took heavy casualties there; the captain was one of the worst. The console she had been working on exploded, the force of it sent her flying, she hit her head pretty hard.” God this was hard. She tried to continue, “Hard isn’t the word for it, her head was split open practically, there was so much blood. She was so still.” She couldn’t help it the tears started flowing.
Chakotay steered her towards the couch, sat her down and wrapped his arms around her. Once she calmed down, she continued. “The doctor was able to stabilize her after a 2 hour surgery, but she was in a coma, she remained in one for 3 weeks. We all hoped when she woke up she would be fine, but the doctor said that was nearly impossible. He was right, she opened her eyes but that was it. She didn’t move, didn’t speak she just lay there. We kept her there for 2 more weeks, while we worked out a rotation schedule of people who could stay with her, we knew she would be more comfortable in her quarters.”
Chakotay stared at the floor, he wasn’t prepared for this, it’s one thing to be dead, but to just be there, unable to do anything, and Kathryn would’ve hated that. She wouldn’t want to simply exist.
Belanna continued “It was another month before we noticed anything. But when we did… well you can’t imagine what a wonderful feeling it was. She continued to progress from there. It was just small things, when I read her my report; her eyes were scanning the padd. She began pointing to sentences, asking in that way for answers. For us it was a form of communication.”
Chakotay felt hopeful, maybe she did recover.
“I could keep on explaining, but I think it would be better if you just came to her quarters with me. Chakotay, don’t expect much, I know I’ve given you hope and when you see her, you might wonder why. But believe me, Kathryn is there, Its’ just hard for her to show it the way you might remember.”
*******
He gulped as he stood outside the door, Belanna keyed in the code and the door opened. The room was only partially illuminated. Sam Wildman greeted them, “she’s asleep, has been for an hour, so she’ll probably be up soon. Commander it’s great to have you back.” And she quickly left.
Belanna went into the bedroom, “hey your awake” he heard her say, a few sound of movement came from the room, a few other comments from Belanna, but no reply. Then he saw Belanna backing up out of the doorway, she was leading Kathryn. Her walk was a little unsteady but still graceful to him. She was carefully eyeing him as she was being led to the couch, he swore there was a small smile on her lips. Belanna sat her on the couch swing her legs around so she would be more comfortable, then proceeded to the replicator to get everyone a drink.
Chakotay couldn’t help but stare, she looked the same as when he left. Her hair was a little longer, past her shoulders. She still hadn’t said a word.
Belanna passed out the drinks, he noticed that Kathryn’s had a lid, it reminded him of a sippy cup you gave a young child. “So what do you think of your visitor Kathryn?” she asked softly.
Kathryn’s hands moved slightly but still there was silence.
“I thought he would make you happy,” she replied to the unanswered question.
Belanna looked at Chakotay, to say he looked shocked was an understatement. He didn’t yet understand, “she can’t yet speak, but she does talk to us, you just have to listen. She can also hear Chakotay, don’t you have anything to say?”
What could he say, this wasn’t Kathryn, she awkwardly drank from the cup. Nothing about his Kathryn was awkward. She didn’t speak a word; his Kathryn was never silent. “I missed you” was the only thing he could think of; his brain just couldn’t register all of this right now. He wanted to say so much more but he couldn’t. He got up quickly and left, he needed more time.
*******
The following day he poured over reports, trying to catch up. He informed Tuvok that he would be ready to take bridge duty the following morning. He needed to keep busy. He hadn’t yet returned to see Kathryn. He looked over the schedule of caregivers they had for her. He knew he should sign up but he didn’t think he could face her. What if Belanna was right, what if she was still there, trapped inside her mind, wouldn’t that eventually drive a person crazy? How could they be so hopeful about that fact that she could walk and feed herself? He wanted to understand but just couldn’t quite do it yet.
*******
He spent the following 3 days on the bridge for 18 hours a day, he knew he was overdoing it but he didn’t really care. He was starting to feel guilty, he brought up Kathryn’s schedule once again and saw there was no one for her tonight, and he signed himself up. He could do this; he owed it to her.
*******
He nervously rang the chime to her quarters, Meagan Delany answered. “ Hello commander, she has already ate, I put her padd next to her on the couch until you get used to talking to her, Belanna said any questions just call her, Thanks a bunch, I have to go,” She was obviously in a hurry.
He saw her on the couch, curled up, staring out the view port. She turned and smiled at him as he approached. He half expected her to say something, but she didn’t, she just made a movement with her hand.
He wasn’t sure what to do, ‘come on, this is Kathryn Janeway, at one time you called her a friend. You are being a complete ass. She doesn’t deserve this, no matter what condition her mind is.’
“Hello Kathryn, you’ll have to bear with me here, no one has explained much. I didn’t let anyone explain much.”
She smiled and reached for the padd, typed a few things than nudged it towards him. It read, “share coffee ice-cream?” he smiled, and walked to the replicator, retrieved the dish and joined her on the couch.
He handed her the bowl and a spoon, as watched her careful moves to take it into her own hands without dropping it all over herself. The way she moved, it was like a small child maneuvering around the bowl with two hands. She picked up the spoon with a powerful grip, which made her hands turn white and plopped it into the soft ice cream.
He still wasn't sure what to say to her.
Would her tell her about the ship? It had been so many months without her,
all the time he wanted her there. To talk to when he got lonely, to laugh
over their weekly dinners together and talk about their wonderful crew.
More than anything he wanted to know the answer to one single question.
Why did you let me go?
Kathryn tried to the bring the spoon to
her lips, but before she could open Her month the ice cream slid off the
metal tool and landed splat into the bowl. An annoyed expression came over
her, and she met his gaze, only to smile and shrug. She must be used to
this, he thought.
"Here, let me help" Chakotay moved closer
to her, taking the spoon from her gently and scooping an ample amount for
her. He raised the spoon to her lips, and she gracefully devoured the treat,
her expression one of bliss as it melted in her mouth. Chakotay smiled.
She motioned for him to take a spoonful, he gladly did. He began to get
another spoonful for her when the door chime interrupted him.
Belanna walked through the door, “Kathryn, your having him feed you?” she asked sounding angry. Kathryn knew better. She let out a soft giggle “I can’t believe you, you know Chakotay she can feed herself quite fine.”
“She was having trouble Belanna, I’m only trying to help her.”
“Oh, well she tries that some times, her arms work fine, let her do it herself or she’ll never get any better. Well I just stopped by to see how you were doing, but that is obviously fine, so I’ll let you be.” And she quickly left before he could protest.
He sat back on the couch, grabbing the bowl once again. “I think I like feeding you, so if you don’t object, open wide.”
The smile he received made Belanna’s lecture worth it.
*********
Over the next month Chakotay slowly got used to everything, Kathryn continued to become more coordinated and she more than proved to Chakotay that she was still there. He still had not asked her about when he left, it seemed to take a back seat now. She was still the same stubborn captain, and you really didn’t want to make her mad, not being able to vocalize her anger seemed to cause her to want to throw things. Chakotay quickly learned to duck.
She didn’t have many outbursts, not any more than before; she just expressed herself in different ways. He longed to hear her voice, but the doctor didn’t want to encourage him. “She shouldn’t have survived, let alone have gone as far as she has. Don’t expect her to improve any farther than she has.” The doctor explained.
“Are you saying this is as good as it gets?” Chakotay didn’t want to except that.
“She could have a complete recovery commander, but don’t expect it.”
“Fine” he said softly, he didn’t like that news but the doctor was probably right.
*******
Chakotay had just finished a long bridge shift and was on his way to Kathryn’s quarters. Belanna was there right now and he wanted to relieve her. She was due in a couple more months and he didn’t want her to over due it.
He arrived and quickly dismissed Belanna, sat the pads on the table and headed for the bathroom to change into something more comfortable. After he changed he grabbed the padds and sat at her desk. As soon as he sat he was nearly hit by a pillow, “Kathryn stop it, I have to go over these reports.”
She held out her hands, obviously wanting the reports.
“Let me go over them first, then you can.” He barked at her, instantly sorry for his impatience.
If looks could kill, he would’ve been dead, she looked furious. She was reaching for a pillow but suddenly stopped. Then without any hesitation, she once again reached her hands out and calmly said “Mine.”
Chakotay couldn’t believe it, he looked at her “What?”
She smiled that crooked smile and once again said “Mine.”
He laughed out loud, “Fine, you like these damn reports so much, here.” He dropped half the pile into her lap, ‘say something else. Please.’
She looked back up at him; “Thanks” and she started reading the padds.
She was acting like talking was an everyday occurrence for her, ignoring the fact that those were her first words. What did he expect, fireworks. He deserved something, “Kathryn?”
“Hmmm,” Was here only answer, she was intently reading the padd.
“Well” did she even realize the monumental step she just took; “you spoke, you…”
She just smiled back at him, and continued with the padd.
Belanna came by an hour later, “Hey Chakotay, how’s it going here.”
“Interesting, to say the least.”
“Why do you say that?” Asked Belanna.
“She spoke.”
“She what, Kathryn, you spoke?” she couldn’t believe it.
“What, I … I… don’t …see what… the big…deal … is.” The sentence was broken, but still quite clear.
“Oh my god, When did this happen, Chakotay, why didn’t you tell me? this is wonderful.”
“It happened when I wouldn’t give her the reports, and I didn’t call you because she wouldn’t say anything else, I almost thought I imagined it.”
“I’m…mad… at … you…why …would …I talk… to you?” She stumbled out.
“You’re mad at me? What did I do.”
“You didn’t… give me…the padds… you left…
left me…for…her…and you…sit here…like…like…” tears were forming in her
eyes. She had went from smiling to crying in an instant, she knew it was
because she could finally tell him how she felt, what was going through
her mind all this time. She had felt hurt, betrayed, so many emotions.
They were overwhelming her.
“You didn’t stop me Kathryn, you just authorized my transfer like it was an everyday occurrence. Why didn’t you stop me?”
She didn’t look at him; “It would…have…been …wrong…for me to…stop…you.”
“Why?”
“I’m …the …Capt…Captain…not …your…keeper. You…had…the …padd…delivered…”
Belanna suddenly felt like she should leave but couldn’t, one minute Kathryn couldn’t say a word, the next she was talking like she always could. She should call the doctor but she was mesmerized by the conversation.
“I guess I was wrong with that, I should have talked to you in person. I didn’t want it to be permanent, just needed to get away, do something. I was beginning to feel useless. I need to do something that would bring me peace, and helping those kids was going to be it. I didn’t go there because of that woman, I personally couldn’t stand her, avoided her as much as I could. I also thought if you and me had some time apart that maybe it would do us some good. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder, or so they say. It worked for me.”
Kathryn seemed to be quite out of breath, after not talking for several months, her sudden burst seemed to overwhelm her.
As for Chakotay, it suddenly hit him. The enormity of the conversation he just had with her, after such a prolonged silence. “Boy Kathryn, as far as first words go, you picked some dandy’s” he chuckled.
She smiled at him, and looked down at her hands. “ I guess…I…had…a lot…to say.”
“I’ll say,” interrupted Belanna. “Kathryn, how long have you been able to talk? Why didn’t you before?”
Kathryn just shrugged her shoulders.
Belanna shook her head, “ I think we should call the doctor, let him look you over, in fact lets go to sickbay, I’m sure he’ll want a few scans.” Belanna took Kathryn’s hands and began to lead her to the door, Kathryn stopped and reached for Chakotay, she wanted his help too.
*********
Epilogue
Over the next few months Kathryn made great improvements. Her speech now sounded normal, her walking had improved to the point where she could walk without assistance, although her coordination was still a little off. For Kathryn, this was a wonderful time; she no longer needed someone staying with her at all times. Although Chakotay spent most of his off duty time with her, and Belanna and little Owen spent a lot of time with her also.
She now did a few occasional bridge shifts, and helped in engineering and astrometrics. She proved to everyone that it wouldn’t be long before she would be back to her old self, and that felt good.
Her and Chakotay had mended their friendship; they were falling back into a routine that was comfortable to both of them. Chakotay made it clear that his interest in her was still there, he knew all she needed was time. He also suspected that the accident changed her, for the better. For once she learned to accept help, and love, not push it away. He found that with not only him but the crew too. It was nothing now a days to see Kathryn walking down the hall with her arm linked to Ayala’s, as he often escorted her back to her quarters. She found her happiness, and the crew no longer heard her silence.
End