sequel to winds of change
Soul searching
Kathryn stood at the window watching the two of them playing outside; Chakotay
had taken
Jaden outside, giving Kathryn time to think. She took the opportunity of
being alone, and ran
to the desk. She punched in the codes and waited for an answer. “Hey Kathryn,
what’s up?”
Asked Tom.
“Tom is Belanna there?” she asked frantically.
“Yeah, ‘ hey bella, Kathryn needs to talk to you.’” Seconds later Belanna
joined him on the
screen. “Hi Kathryn, what’s going on?”
“He’s here.” She whispered.
“Who is?” Belanna asked, sounding confused.
“Chakotay! He’s here, has been for a few hours now.”
“Oh my god, when? How?” Tom and Belanna said in unison.
“I ran into him at head quarters, or I should say Jaden ran into him. He
came here to talk, he’s
outside right now with Jaden.” She explained.
“Does he know about him? I mean that he’s Jaden’s father?”
“Of course. He said he was sorry, that he at least wants to be friends,
that… listen, I can’t go
into this right now, he could come in. I don’t know what to do? What do
I do?”
“Kathryn, calm down. Why don’t you tell him we called, and we would like
him to come over
to see the baby, he hasn’t even met Elizabeth yet. You can come to, or
stay. It could give you
some time to think.”
“Thanks, I think I will just send him. I definitely need some time here.”
“Sure, send him on over.”
Kathryn cut the COM link, and went outside. “Chakotay, Belanna and Tom
called, they
would love to see you?”
“Trying to get rid of me, are you Kathryn?” he asked.
“No, I just…”
“It’s ok, I understand. This is all a bit much.” He answered.
“I’m sorry, I just need some time here. I’ve spent a lot of time being
angry with you, on top of
that, I’ve always loved you. It was easy when you weren’t here, but now…”
“You love me Kathryn?” he was speechless.
“Chakotay, did you really think I would really sleep with you if I didn’t
love you? I thought
you knew me better than that?”
Chakotay looked at his feet, then over to the little boy who was carefully
studying a blade of
grass, “God, I had things so mixed up. I knew my true feelings, yet let
my fears take over, and
ended up hurting you. Kathryn, please, can you ever forgive me.”
“Chakotay, this isn’t all your fault. I spent years pushing you away, giving
you the impression
that Starfleet would always come first. You were given nothing to prove
that I would have
changed, you had no way of knowing. Even that night, when we created Jaden,
I knew I
wanted you, for the rest of my life. But I didn’t see myself changing;
I had planned on staying
in starfleet. It was Jaden that changed my mind; he became my focus, my
life. I’m just sorry
that you had to leave before I discovered that.”
He smiled, showing her all his dimples, “I know we can do this Kathryn,
at least find that
friend ship we lost.” He paused for a moment, “Maybe I should go see this
new baby Paris,
give you some time to think.”
“Yes, wait until you see her, she’s beautiful.”
“I bet, I’ll see you soon Kathryn. Can I call you?”
“Of course you can.” She answered.
He touched her face, then left. She just stood there, in the backyard,
feeling more confused
than ever.
**********
Chakotay handed the baby back to Belanna, “She’s beautiful, she looks just
like you
Belanna.”
“Yeah, she sure does.”
Silence, He had been there an hour and except for the few comments about
the baby, nothing
else had been said. “Ok, are either of you even going to talk to me?” he
asked angrily.
“Sorry, I guess I’m just trying to figure out what you are doing here?
What your intentions
are?” Belanna questioned.
“Hey give me a break here. I have no evil intentions, ok. This has been
one hell of an
overwhelming day for me. I’m still trying to grasp it all. I can tell you
that the day I left Kathryn
was the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew it was wrong,
but I did it anyway.
Now I’m just trying to think how I can possibly make it up to her.”
“It won’t be easy, you hurt her.” Belanna explained.
“I know I did. I don’t know how to forgive my self let alone expect her
to forgive me. But I
will do my best to show her just how I feel, and that I won’t be going
anywhere. It’s all I can
do, maybe someday she will see it, realize it.”
“She might someday, then again, she might not. Are you prepared for that?”
“No, and yes. I know, it’s ironic. She pushes me away for years, then finally
comes to me,
and I shove her away, only to find out a couple years later she had everything
I ever wanted in
someone. She was everything I ever wanted. I’m such a fool.”
“Yes you are!” Belanna stated adamantly. “All you can do now is be there
for her, be a friend
and see where it takes you both.”
“I know, that is what I plan to do. Do all I can to try to be a father
to my son, and a friend to
the woman I love.”
“Good, it’s a good place to start.” Belanna finished with a smile.
************
Chakotay did his best to show Kathryn just how sincere he was, at times
she seemed to
respond and other times she seemed to pull back. Funny how now it was just
like they were
back on voyager, with him doing everything he could to win her heart.
He had found a job, assisting the local colleges anthropology professor.
It wasn’t exactly what
he dreamed of doing, he would much rather teach, but for now it was something.
It was as he was leaving work one day, walking to Kathryn’s when he ran
into Ayala, “Hey
there Chakotay, I haven’t seen you for quite a while.”
Chakotay grabbed the mans hand, “It has been a long time, how have you been?”
“I’ve been better, the wife is now the ex-wife. I still can see the kids,
but they barely even
remember me. I mostly stay away.” He sadly commented.
“Hey, sorry. Did you hear my news?” Chakotay asked.
“Well, yeah, Tom told me. I bet that little boy is gorgeous.”
“He sure is, I was just heading over there, would you like to come with me and meet him?”
“The Captain won’t mind?” Ayala asked.
“If she does, you cut the visit short, and we get together later. Come
on, I doubt she will. By
the way, it’s just Kathryn now.”
“Yeah I know, that is just weird for me.”
Chakotay laughed, “You’ll get used to it.”
The two of them made idle conversation during the short walk to Kathryn’s
house, once they
arrived, he rang the bell. Kathryn answered just a minute later, “Hi Chakotay.
Ayala, I sure
wasn’t expecting you.”
“Sorry Captain, is it ok?”
“Of course it is, and it’s just Kathryn, please, come in. Jaden is asleep
right now, thank god.”
She laughed.
“Oh has he been something else today Kathryn?”
“He sure has, where does he get that energy, I don’t know if I will ever
know. Help your self
to something to drink.” She commented, pointing to the replicator.
Ayala looked around at his surroundings, “Kathryn, your house is beautiful.
This is just
amazing.”
“Isn’t it, I looked everywhere for the perfect house. I took one step in
this one and knew it
was right.” She laughed, “but don’t worry, it may be old, but it has all
the modern
conveniences that I need.”
“Of course, it wouldn’t have been perfect for you if it didn’t, right?”
Ayala knew more about
his Captain then he led on.
Chakotay stood back and watched the exchange, strange; he never imagined
the two of them
actually getting along. Ayala tended to be more of a rouge then he was,
but it was good to see
her laugh again. The two of them didn’t do that much, when it didn’t involve
Jaden.
Jaden woke up a short time later, and quickly charmed the pants off of
Ayala. Ayala didn’t
want to over stay his welcome, so he made the excuse for leaving, “I’m
sorry, I have to finish
up some work at home.”
“I’m glad you came by. You’re welcome anytime.”
“Thanks, I’ll be sure to come by again soon.”
He quickly left, “I forgot how great he was.” Kathryn laughed.
“Yeah.” Was all that he said, Chakotay actually was finding himself jealous.
Kathryn caught on, but said nothing, maybe he deserved to wonder a bit,
after all she did for
almost two years.
************
Chakotay was about to finally cut off the signal, when Kathryn finally
answered, “Sorry
Chakotay, what can I do for you?” She asked abruptly.
“I was just wondering if I could come over after work, maybe cook you dinner?”
“Hmmm, no not tonight, I have plans.” Chakotay would almost swear she looked guilty.
Chakotay looked away for a moment then returned to the screen, “Can I come over soon?”
“Of course, I will call you, ok?”
“Sure, talk to you later Kathryn.” Then he signed off. He didn’t understand
this; she was
pushing him away again. In the past two weeks he had only been able to
see them three times.
Sure he had been busy with work, but ever since that visit with Ayala,
she had been different.
*********
Kathryn glanced at the man sitting next to her out of the corner of her
eye. She wasn’t sure
what she was doing, she knew it wasn’t right, but yet here she was. Ayala
had called her a
couple of times, and now had come over for dinner. She replicated a roast
dinner, and they
both had a great time. She had talked a bit about her feelings for Chakotay;
he had listened,
and gave her good advice. “Don’t push yourself Kathryn, there is nothing
that says this has to
work out to be more than friends.”
“I know, I just am so unsure of what I want. I don’t know why. I know I
love him, yet… I’m
just so confused, I’m not used to that.”
“I bet. You are used to being in control, and with this you have no control.
You don’t like it.
So what you need to do is take control, I think you know what you want
to do, so just do it,
stop being afraid.”
Ayala shifted sideways onto the couch to face her. He knew what he wanted
to do, and yet
he knew it was wrong. He had always found her attractive, but back on voyager
this was
Chakotay’s property, as they used to joke about it. Yet Chakotay walked
away. Even though
he was back now, did that make the feelings he was having for this woman
wrong? Not in his
book, it didn’t. He moved closer to her as he spoke, she was sitting sideways
on the couch,
her legs bent close to her. Soon they were face to face, so he began pulling
at her so she was
lying down. He moved slowly until he was ontop of her, moving his mouth
just inches above
hers. He waited just a moment to see any protest, when there wasn’t any,
his mouth met hers.
Kathryn couldn’t believe this was happening, but she met him with the same
hunger, her
tongue snaked past her lips to taste him, he did the same. She could feel
his hard member,
digging into her belly. They continued to kiss, causing stirrings that
Kathryn hadn’t felt in a long
time. That’s when reality came crashing down. “Stop, please.” She cried.
“Kathryn, are you ok?” Ayala asked concerned.
“This isn’t right, we can’t do this.” She said, pushing him off of her.
“Why not?” he had moved himself into a sitting position, resting on his heals.
“Because… I love Chakotay; I couldn’t do this to him. Please.”
Ayala closed his eyes; he was still breathing a bit heavy, “Alright, I
understand.” He said as he
hoisted himself off the couch. He righted his clothing then proceeded to
the door, “thanks for
dinner Kathryn.”
She found it hard to look at him, but answered him anyway; “you’re welcome.”
“I probably won’t come back, at least for a while.”
“I think that would be best.” She still didn’t look at him in the eyes.
“Please, don’t tell
Chakotay this happened.”
“I won’t, I don’t want to be killed you know.”
She finally looked up, then laughed, “thanks for understanding.”
He smiled, and with a twinkle in his eyes, “Anything for a friend Kathryn,
I hope you now
know what your heart wants.”
********
Kathryn was pacing the floor, ‘what in the world was she thinking?’ oh
she had a feeling
Ayala did it to help her ‘sort out’ her feelings, but there was a small
part of her that wanted it
to continue. Or did she? She knew she had no right playing with Chakotay
like she was,
maybe she should just tell him how she feels and let it go at its own pace.
She knew she loved
him, she knew she wanted him to be more than friends, and she just didn’t
want it rushed.
Her mind was made up; she walked over to the computer and put the call
through. He
answered a few minutes later, looking rather sleepy. “Hey Kathryn, what’s
wrong?”
“Oh my, I didn’t realize it was late…”
“It’s ok, I went to bed early. What’s wrong?” he asked again.
“Nothing, I just wanted to talk to you.”
“So talk, I’m right here.”
“No, not like this. It can wait until later.” She cut off the signal before
he had a chance to
answer. She went over to the couch, covered her face with her arms and
started to cry. She
hated being like this, only that man could turn her emotions into one jumbled
mess, she didn’t
even realize that she had started to drift off.
*********
“Kathryn… Kathryn wake up?” she could hear someone talking to her, she
slowly moved her
arm from her face, and opened her eyes, his face was about two inches away.
She was
sleepy, that was the only excuse she could come up with for her next action.
But her arm
reached up and wrapped around his neck, pulling him down to meet her. Their
mouths joined,
sending a shiver up her spine. His hand snaking under her shirt. Before
she could think of any
objections, she was lost in a world of pleasure.
**********
Kathryn slid off the bed, trying not to wake the man sleeping beside her.
She could hear Jaden
playing in his crib, and knew he would soon be yelling to get out. She
couldn’t believe that she
let that happen last night, she couldn’t believe the events prior to it
either. First she almost
sleeps with Ayalla, of all people. Then she does sleep with Chakotay. ‘
That sure is going
slow there Kathryn’ she scolded herself.
She entered Jaden’s bedroom and took him out of the crib, changed him,
then brought him
downstairs. The little boy showered his mom with love as usual, bringing
a smile to her once
again.
Kathryn brought him downstairs and sat him at the table, “are you hungry?”
she asked despite
the fact she knew she would get a legible answer. She got him a bowl of
dry cereal from the
cupboard, and a cup of juice, then joined him at the table with her coffee.
Jaden put more of the cereal on the table than he did in his mouth, and
occasionally offered his
mom a bit, which she gratefully took.
“You two certainly make a beautiful picture.” Came a voice from behind her.
“Oh sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you.” She apologized.
“Hey, it’s ok. I’ve missed enough already, and I don’t want to miss any
more, especially due
to sleeping.” He said, as he bent down to kiss her.
She returned the kiss, then pulled back, “Chakotay, we have to talk. I
didn’t mean for that to
happen last night. I didn’t want it to happen, so soon.”
“Kathryn, I’m sorry, maybe it shouldn’t have, but I don’t regret it. Please,
I want to move
forward with this, can’t we try?”
“I want to, I really do. I just…”
“Kathryn, that’s all I needed to here. I know we rushed a bit, we can take
all the time you
need.”
“Thank you Chakotay.”
“Now, I don’t want to rush off, but I will be late for work.” He kissed
her lightly on the cheek,
“Now little man, you behave for your mom, OK?”
Jaden replied by dumping more cereal on the table. Kathryn just laughed,
“ We’ll be fine, will
I see you later?”
“I hope so, I’ll cook you dinner.”
“Sounds good, see you later then.”
************
Chakotay knew Kathryn was not going to be happy, there was a problem back
on Dorvan,
and he had to go straiten it out. Not really a problem, but someone was
interested in his
property, at least part of it. And since he had no intention of living
there, he was willing to split
it up. Problem was, he had to go there to do it, and this could take at
least a month, maybe up
to two months. This relationship was fragile; he didn’t want to do anything
to damage it.
He approached the house, and then entered, “Chakotay is that you?”
“Of course, how was your day?”
“Hmmm, fine, Jaden has been pretty good today, and Yours?”
Well here it goes, “I got some news today, there is someone interested
in some of my
property on Dorvan. Unfortunately they need me there to take care of all
of this.” He watched
as Kathryn’s face fell, “Kathryn, I will be back.”
“I see.” Was her only reply.
He approached her, and leaned in to kiss her, his lips brushed hers but
she did not respond.
“Kathryn, please. If I could avoid going, I would, I don’t want to leave
you. But this is
business, it has to be taken care of.”
“Fine, when are you going?” she asked coldly.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“How long are you going to be gone?”
“At least a month, probably two.”
She walked over to her son and picked him up, “You probably should go and
pack.” She
suggested, with her back to him.
“I would still like to cook you dinner, can I at least spend tonight with you?”
“Dinner would be fine, but…”
“You don’t want me to spend the night. Alright, I can live with that.”
He tried to change the mood for the rest of the night, but Kathryn was
solemn for the most
part. When it came time to leave, she allowed him to kiss her, even responded
slightly, but still
looked quite upset, “Kathryn, I know how this looks, please, I love you.”
“I love you too, I’ll see you in a couple months.” It was obvious she didn’t believe it.
He kissed her once again, then left, hoping his return, would prove his love to her.
**********
The next six weeks passed fast for Kathryn, she tried not to worry to much
about Chakotay,
she did honestly believe he would return. She felt bad for how she treated
him that day, but
planned on making up for it when he returned. She wished she could talk
to him, but
communications with Dorvan were difficult.
She had other things to worry about, for the past week she had been constantly
sick to her
stomach, she had a nagging feeling that she knew just what it was. She
asked Belanna to
watch Jaden, and planned on a visit to the doctor.
Two hours later, the doctor confirmed it, she was indeed pregnant. She
headed back to
Belanna’s feeling numb.
She entered their house and sat on the couch, fighting back the tears,
“Kathryn what’s
wrong?” Belanna asked concerned.
“I’m pregnant, what am I going to do?”
“Oh my god, is it Chakotay’s?”
“Yes, but he doesn’t know yet.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t even aware that the two of you had…”
“Yes, once. Ironic isn’t it. It seemed the same thing happened just a couple
years ago, and
here I go once again.”
Belanna bit her lower lip; “this isn’t going to sound good to you either,
considering this new
news. Chakotay called here, since he couldn’t get a hold of you, said there
must be a problem
with your computer.”
“Yeah it’s been off line since yesterday, I was going to ask if you could
come take a look at it.
I’m getting no where feeling like I do.”
“Of course I will, but anyway, He said there was an accident at the main
complex, a lot of
people were hurt. He is going to stay a while and help out, hope fully
not long.”
“Of course he is, why would he want to come back here?”
“Kathryn, you are just being ridiculous now, Chakotay loves you, that is
obvious to me now.
He doesn’t want to stay, but these people need him now.”
Kathryn sighed, “ I know, I just can’t help but have my doubts. It doesn’t
help that I’m once
again pregnant. Did he say if I can call him back?”
“I doubt you can, he said it took a week to get the signal through this
time. I doubt you can
get through.”
“Well I guess I just wait and see.”
*********
Chakotay stepped off the transport, and took a deep breath; it had been
too long since he had
been on earth. Four months long, the people on Dorvan were in bad shape
still, but were
doing much better. He just hoped Kathryn had understood. He had tried several
times to
contact her, but the technology on Dorvan had been damaged in the accident.
The only
working Comm system didn’t have the power to reach earth.
He wasted no time getting to Kathryn’s, he paused at the door before knocking,
and he
almost felt he should just walk in, but that wouldn’t be right. A few seconds
later the door
opened, and Chakotay’s mouth hit the floor. “Kathryn?”
“Chakotay, you came back?”
“Of course. You thought I wouldn’t? Kathryn I love you. This has been miserable
being away
from you, but they were so bad off, I couldn’t just leave them like that.”
His eyes wandered to
her swollen stomach, hands reaching down to softly touch the life inside
“Umm Kathryn,
you’re… wow! But, you can’t be more than four month’s yet…” gesturing at
her size already.
“Come on in.” she said a little hesitantly, then, as he walked through
the door, she hit him with
the news. “Twins!”
Chakotay dropped his bags on the floor, “Did you just say twins, two babies?”
“Yes, there are two of them in there.” She laughed, finally cracking a smile.
He grabbed her from behind, whirled her to face him, and kissed her firmly
on the lips before
she could protest. She didn’t respond at first, doubts still weighed heavily
on her mind. But
then, she returned the kiss with passion, he was here now, it didn’t happen
again. She had
hoped for this, that he would come back, and be happy about the news.
“I love you Kathryn, more than anything, I love you!”
“Mamma.” Came a tiny voice, interrupting the moment.
Chakotay released Kathryn and bent down to pick Jaden up, “Daddy missed
you little man.”
He said, planting a kiss on the child’s forehead.
“I thought… you might not come back.” Kathryn interjected, “when I found
out I was
pregnant again, … it seemed all to coincidental.”
Chakotay pulled Kathryn close, enveloping her in his arms, “Kathryn, I
know I deserve this. I
don’t know what I can do to convince you of my sincerity here. But I will
do everything I can
to convince you. I just wish you could see how I feel here.”
“I know, I do. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this, it’s not fair to you
at all. I can’t even explain
all of this.”
“Kathryn, what I did to you was unforgivable? And I do deserve that, but
please understand,
even as I left, I had doubts as to what I was doing. I loved you then and
I love you even more
now. I have no plans on going anywhere, but forward with you. The babies,
I know once
again they weren’t planned, but it doesn’t matter to me, I will love them
with everything I have
in me.”
Kathryn enveloped him in a hug, “We’ll work this out, I know we will. I
do love you, you
know.”
“I know. Kathryn, there is no one else, or nothing else that would take me away from you.”
Kathryn gulped, guilt suddenly plagued her. She remembered a time, a few
months ago, when
she almost slept with Ayala. She knew she should tell him, she would hate
herself if she didn’t.
***********
Chakotay laid still on the bed, watching the woman in his arms, “so are
you going to tell me
what’s wrong?”
She was quiet at first, “I don’t know…no I do know, I just don’t know how to tell you this?”
“Just tell me, it can’t be that bad.”
She sat up, biting her lower lip, took a deep breath, “Well… a few months
ago, in fact that
night that we… made love.”
He leaned over to kiss her, “I do remember that night quite vividly.” He smiled at the memory.
“Before you came over, earlier, I told you I had plans. Well, I had company over for dinner.”
“There is nothing wrong with that Kathryn.”
“You don’t know who the company was.” She commented, searching his face
for any sign of
his feelings. “It was Ayala.”
“Hmm, I see. Can I ask why you would have him over for dinner?” He wasn’t
exactly angry,
but he wasn’t happy either.
“I don’t know, he had called a couple times. I guess I can’t really answer
that, I was so
confused about my feelings, and he had presented a fresh point of view.
Chakotay there is
more.”
Chakotay wasn’t sure he wanted to hear this, “Go on.”
“We… well we fooled around a bit.”
“Define fooled around Kathryn.” He was angry now, “Did you have sex with him?”
Kathryn let the tears that were forming fall, “No, but we almost did, we
came very close in
fact. God, Chakotay, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I stopped
it before it went
to far, I didn’t want to hurt you. But it seems I ended up doing it anyway.”
Chakotay briefly closed his eyes in attempt to contain his anger, “Do you
intend to see him
again?”
“Of course not Chakotay, I didn’t intend for any of this to happen. I haven’t
seen him since
then and I don’t intend to, at least not like that.”
Chakotay rose from the bed, walking to the door. He had every intention
of walking out, just
to think, but stopped at the last moment. His hands were still on the doorframe,
when he
heard her crying. He was no better, a couple years ago, she was carrying
his child while he lay
in bed with Talia. Yes Kathryn knew about her, but what she did with Ayala,
it was no worse.
He turned and walked back to the bed, climbed in and pulled her to him,
“It’s ok. We need to
concentrate on a fresh start. We both did a lot of soul searching over
the past couple of years.
And I don’t know about you, but I know it always led me right back to you.
You are my
destiny Kathryn, and I’m not letting go this time.”
“Oh Chakotay, I love you! I do! I don’t want to waste anymore time with
the past. What was
done is long over with. We can now go forward, together, as one family.”
“Yes love, a very happy family.”
**********
Epilogue:
Jaden held onto his Auntie Belanna’s hand tight, it was hard for him to
understand all that had
happened over the past nine months, after all he was only two. He had been
told that he
would be spending a few days with Auntie Belanna and Uncle Tom, and when
he came home,
he would have two new babies in the house.
Uncle Tom knocked on the door, then entered. Jaden ran into his fathers arms, “hi daddy.”
“Hey little man, we missed you. Do you want to see them?” Chakotay asked the little boy.
Jaden nodded his head, and stayed in his dad’s arms as he was carried into
the living room.
Kathryn sat on the couch, nursing one of the babies, while the other lay
beside her.
“Jaden, honey! Come here, and meet your sisters.” Kathryn said, encouraging
her son to
come close.
Jaden walked up slowly, staring at the one nursing, “Why she do that mommy?”
“Well that’s how she eats.” Kathryn explained.
The little boy seemed to accept that, and carefully climbed onto the couch.
His little hand
slowly touched the baby lying next to him; “It’s ok to touch her. Just
be very careful, ok?”
“Ok, I be careful mommy.”
Belanna and Tom came around the couch to get a better look at the two,
“How are you going
to tell them two apart, they are truly identical?”
“Well,” started Chakotay. “This one, Cassandra, has a little mole on her
foot, and one on her
hand. While Carlene has a little mole on her belly" he said. He already
knew his little girls, was
already deeply in love.
“Ah, that’s good. They are beautiful.” Commented Belanna. “So Jaden, What
do you think
about being a big brother.”
The little boy looked as if he was thinking, then commented. “They fine.
I keep them.”
Sending laughter from all adults in the room.
Chakotay just stood back, watching the picture in front of him. He remembered
telling
Kathryn that there was nothing she could do or say to change his mind,
he was glad he was
wrong. He never had imagined knowing this kind of happiness; he had a family;
three beautiful
children and a woman he loved more than life itself.
His soul and now known peace, and he had to search no more.
End