To Take, Then Give
By Sheri
It had only been three days, but it was the worst three days of her life!
The strange anomaly had opened up in front of them, closely resembling a wormhole, but held no properties of a wormhole. Chakotay was assigned to pilot a shuttle that would take B'Elanna close enough to it to get better readings. Tom would've been the better pilot but had been suffering from a headache that was increasingly getting worse, the doctor took him off duty, and so Chakotay was the next choice as pilot.
It happened very quickly, they neared the "worm hole" there was a flash, and they were gone.
~~~~~
She sat at her desk in her ready room unmoving. Two days before they disappeared he had come to her quarters they began talking, the talking turned into an argument, she stopped it quickly "This is not getting us anywhere, this is not how people who love each treat each other, Chakotay, we're always at one anther's throat"
"What did you say?" Chakotay was shocked.
"I said, we're always at each other's..." she began.
"Not that, did you say you love me?"
"I...I... guess I did. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to admit that, to put you on the spot."
“Kathryn, I love you too." The smile he gave her melted her heart.
"Chakotay, we can't...."
"I know, Kathryn. Knowing is enough...for now," she smiled back.
~~~~~~~
There was a chime at her door, taking her out of her reverie. "Come in."
Harry walked in "Captain, may I speak with you?"
"Of course, Harry. What can I do for you?" She answered.
“Well," he began., "It's Tom. His behavior has been quite erratic, angry almost. Very unlike Tom, i'm worried about him." He paused to take a deep breath, "I was hoping you could go talk to him, see if you could get through to him."
She sighed, "We're all suffering from this loss, Harry, but yes, I would be glad to go talk to him."
"Thank you, Captain," he said, relieved.
********
Harry strode down the corridor on his way to Tom's quarters, the Captain had been in there for almost three hours. He knew it was the Captain's job to look out for her crew but knew she had other things that had to be done. Maybe, if she was making any progress with Tom, he could step in and take over.
He rang the chime a few times, but received no answer. He asked the computer for their location and it told them they should be in there. He knew Tom's code so he just punched it in.
What he saw would haunt him for a long time!
Tom was in a crouched in a corner, naked, he had blood on him, and he looked wild; like a panther ready to pounce. Harry was frozen it almost didn't even look like him. He tried approaching him, but Tom backed further into the corner. Glancing around the darkened quarters it suddenly hit him that the Captain should be in here. He slowly moved around the quarters and that's when he saw her, lying on the floor,clothes torn off scattered around her; she was bleeding, and not moving at all. He attempted to move towards her but Tom charged him. He thought quick, knocked him to the floor and called for security and an emergency beam out for the Captain.
The next few days were a blur; both Tom and the Captain were still unconscious. The Captain's injuries were now healed; they just hoped she could deal with the trauma of rape, so soon after losing the only person she ever really talked to. Tom, it was found, was suffering from a chemical imbalance in his brain. The doctor worked hard attempting to correct it, and finally it looked as if he would be successful.
"Will he remember what happened, Doctor?" asked Harry concerned.
"That's hard to say, there is a chance he will remember, but there is an equal chance he won't."
"I feel like this is my fault, I saw there was something wrong with him and I sent the Captain there," cried Harry.
"It's not your fault Ensign, you didn't know this would happen," explained the doctor.
"I know, I really do. But that doesn't make this any easier," said Harry with a sigh.
*******
Sickbay was dark -- that was the first thing she noticed, what was she doing in sickbay? Then it hit her, she remembered 'oh god, please let that all be a dream'
"Lights 50%. Captain it's good to see you awake. How are you feeling?"
"Doctor, please tell me that didn't happen" it was a plea.
"I'm sorry Captain. If it's any consolation, Mr. Paris wasn't quite himself. He is suffering from a chemical imbalance, that I am still attempting to gain control of," The doctor was trying to read her right now was a critical time.
"I'm not sure that makes me feel any better right now."
"I know and I'm sorry," said the doctor.
*********
Kathryn's physical injuries may have been healed, but the mental ones ... she knew that would take time. It had been six weeks since the attack, and she still found herself slightly jumpy at the thought of Tom.
The Doctor said he was making remarkable progress, but had no memory of those few weeks when B'Elanna and Chakotay disappeared, including the attack. She wasn't sure how many of the crew were aware of the attack, and was glad they appeared to not know.
Her only problem now was lately she felt rundown and on occasion quiet nauseous. She decided a trip to sickbay was in order.
Upon entering the Doctor was immediantly by her side, "Captain what can I do for you?" he asked.
"I haven't been feeling too well lately. It's probably stress considering..." she let her words trail off.
"Ah, of course. Please have a seat on the bio bed and i'll take a look," said the Doctor, guiding her towards the nearest biobed. He began his scans; it didn't take very long for him to discover the problem.
She noticed the Doctors grim expression, "what is it?"
"Captain, i'm sorry. It seems i may have neglected something in my initial care of you after the..."
She cut him off, "What?"
"I'm sorry, you're pregnant," he stated.
"Oh god," she moaned.
"Captian, there are options you could take. Under the circumstances termination is one of them," explained the Doctor.
"Please, I need time to think," she said.
"Of course," he said as he injected a hypospray into her neck. "That should help with the nausea."
"Thank you," she said queitly as she got off the bio bed and headed for
the door.
********
Options, there were no options for her, she would not murder a child, and another woman would not give birth to a child of hers unless medically necessary. A child of hers, this was real, it all happened. She must still be in shock, no tears, no screaming, and no yelling. It did honestly make her feel slightly better that it wasn't "Tom," that he had no control, but only slightly.
She wondered what Chakotay would think; that didn't matter though he was probably dead, the anomaly closed so fast it probably crushed him and B’Elanna. She was now alone, truly alone, and now she was going to be a mother!
********
Tom was in recovery for 3 months. He didn't remember anything; he didn't even remember that B'Elanna was gone. He was quite confused at the fact that in all this time, the Captain had not come to see him once. He was in his quarters with Harry. "So are you going to tell me what happened? I need to know Harry, and you avoiding the subject isn't going to help. How does anyone expect me to recover completely if I don't know all the facts?"
"Tom," He began, "I've talked to the Captain and the doctor and they finally agreed I could tell you. But think about this, do you really want to know?"
"YES, I want to know, I want to know what I did that was so horrible that Captain Janeway hasn't come to see me once. I thought she was concerned for her crew." He was angry.
“Well, I'll give you the summed up version. It's all I have really since I wasn't there till after."
"OK, sum it up," he said impatiently.
"Well, um. Let see. A few days after we lost B'Elanna and Chakotay you began acting...strange, kind of hostile, but...strange, I don't know. Anyway, I went to the Captain to ask her to talk to you; you wouldn't listen to anyone else so I thought she could help you with your grief. She quickly agreed, saying she would do it immediately. She said she would contact me in a couple hours to let me know how it went." He sighed and continued with the story. "It had been three hours and I hadn't heard a word. The computer said she was still in your quarters so I decided to try to intervene, help if i could. "
"Go on." What could have been happening?
"Well... god Tom, do you really want to know?"
"YES, SPILL IT!" he yelled.
"I entered your quarters and saw you right away, in the corner naked, blood on you, you looked wild. The Captain was on the floor by your bed, unconscious...you...you had raped her, beat her, she was bleeding all over." He searched his friend's eyes for his reaction.
Tom couldn't speak, 'he did that; he raped her?'
"Tom I should tell you.... The Captain said I could cause it's hard for her to see you right now, give her time. But Tom, she's pregnant, and she's keeping it. She says you will have nothing to do with it, you are not going to be the baby's father."
"Pregnant, oh man. How could I do that?" He cried.
Harry put his arm around his friend, hoping to offer some comfort, "Tom, remember you were sick, she knows that. She doesn't hate you-- she just needs time before she can see you. She says as soon as the doctor deems you fit you can return to duty, night shift, you'll go to day shift when she's ready. She's doing real good but needs that time. Please understand."
"Yeah, OK. Harry I need to be alone, need to sleep, need to think," he said numbly.
"Sure Tom, call me if you need, anything!"
"I know Harry, thanks."
*******
Captain Kathryn Janeway was nervous, Very Nervous. Tom's recovery went wonderfully, he was back on the night shift. It had been six months, and she hadn't seen him once. It wasn't fair to him. She made sure no one treated him badly, in fact deemed that her baby's conception 'just happened'. It seemed the only way. She didn't want anyone coming back on him for what happened, just wanted it erased from history! She knew it couldn't be, but the record books wouldn't show it, and she made sure no one would tell it!
She rang the chime to his quarters; he answered, "Captain, I wasn't expecting you." He couldn't help his next statement, he hadn't seen her at all, "Oh my god, I wasn't expecting, I mean I knew but..."
"It's alright Tom, I shock myself when I look in the mirror, this belly takes some getting used to," she said her hand rubbing her belly. This was going better than she thought! "I thought we should talk, we need to get past this."
"I agree, come in, coffee?"
"Can't have coffee Tom, tea would be great."
"And on top things, I took away your coffee, and you didn't throw me out an airlock, Captain I'm touched." Laughter can be a great healer -- at least he hoped so.
She did laugh, "Yeah you really owe me Mister."
“Captain, I'm sorry," His tone suddenly changing.
"No apologies Mr. Paris, but it is accepted, thank you. I'm here so we can move on with our lives, me with my child, and you with your friends. Can we do that?"
"Yes, we can. If you ever need anything, please ask. I think we were friends once, and I'd really like to be now. I understand about you raising the baby without a father, but you'll need your friends, and I'd like to be one of them," He was pleading.
"I'd like that Tom." She was definitely relieved
******
Kathryn knew people thought it was strange, but she and Tom settled into the same friendship they had before. She was huge, stretched to alarming proportions, but, despite how the child was conceived, she loved being pregnant. She loved the feel of it moving, except for that occasional foot in the ribs, She couldn't keep her hands off her belly, constantly rubbing, reassuring the child.
She only had a few weeks to go but was still on the bridge, wasn't ready to give up command. She thought of Chakotay often, if he survived, where he was, what was he doing, did he think of her? still love her? Her mind stopped wandering at the sharp pain and feel of wetness. She looked between her legs "Oh, I think it's time."
Tom and Harry were immediately there, by her side. "Computer, emergency beam out for the Captain to sickbay, doctor stand by, the Captain is on her way, and so is little Janeway, " Tom called into the air.
******
Fifteen hours later, an exhausted Kathryn lay on the bio bed nuzzling her newborn daughter to her breast. Kessica Moria Janeway was beautiful, little wisp of auburn hair dark eyes that would definitely turn a bright blue. She was the spitting image of her mother. Kathryn finished feeding her, and handed her to the doctor, she was tired and needed sleep.
Tom entered sickbay with Harry to find the Captain asleep. They quietly walked up to the bassinet.
"Wow, she's beautiful." Tom sounded amazed, "Harry I just don't understand, I did the most awful thing I could imagine, and the Captain, and she just... goes on. How?"
"Because that’s what she is, how she is. She knows it's not your fault; you made wonderful progress and done your best to be a great officer and a great friend. I believe it's what the two of you needed to get past this. Not really ignoring what happened, just not dwelling on it. Moving on." Harry paused a moment to stare at the little miracle, "I think Kessie had something to do with her feelings too, look what you gave her, she’s beautiful."
"I know Harry, I accept not being her father, and I hope she doesn't find out how she came into this world!"
"Hopefully she won't but you'll just have to deal with it if she finds out who you really are," replied Harry.
******
The year passed quickly. Kessica grew fast and was definitely a light when it came to Voyager. Passing crewmembers couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Little Kessie trotted along side her mother with her teddy bear in arm; she loved her newly discovered walking skill, and insisted on walking everywhere. "By self " she would adamantly say, hands on hips mimicking her mother.
Kathryn was taking her daughter to Samantha's, one of her regular babysitters, when she got the hail.
"Captain, we're getting readings of Federation shuttle, 5 light years ahead,” said Harry over the con.
"Set a course, I'm on my way" Could it be them? It was still so hard to think of Chakotay and B’Elanna; she always held the hope that they were alive. NOW, the truth might be told.
The arrived in orbit, The Captain and her small away team materialized on the planet that showed to be deserted except for 2 life forms. 'It has to be them.'
They walked towards the coordinates, and stopped. It was them, Chakotay was emerging from one of two make shift shelters on either side of the shuttle. "Kathryn, " He yelled running up to her and embracing her in a hug. "I knew you would find us, I just knew I would see you again."
Kathryn froze, 'oh god, here is reality, when he finds out about....' "Commander, it's good to see you again, how is B'Elanna?" Kathryn tried to put a more neutral tone to the meeting.
"She's great, down at the river, she'll be right back," He noticed her change in tone.
"Well, we should get you back to Voyager, let the doctor take a look at you, let you settle back in." B'Elanna returned, Kathryn gave her a proper greeting then suggested they beam back.
******
The doctor found them to be fine and sent them to their quarters. "Is it me or is everyone acting a little weird?" Asked B'Elanna.
"It's not just you, Tom hasn't come to see you, and something is obviously bothering Kathryn. Go to your quarters, we've been gone for almost two years, things are bound to be a little strange," He said, suddenly tired.
******
He'd been on the ship for 24 hours now, left completely alone. Kathryn sent him a message saying to take a couple days off to orient himself and catch up. A message, she hadn't come to see him, not once. There was a chime at his door, finally, "Come in," It was B'Elanna, "HAVE YOU HEARD? Have you?" She ranted.
"Heard what?" he asked confused.
"Captain Janeway, she has a baby, rumor has it its Toms. But no one will confirm it." B'Elanna was obviously pissed and ready to kill, " We waited for them Chakotay, never strayed and they...."
"B'Elanna stop... they're just rumors. I've had enough of the silence. You go back to your quarters, I'll go see the Captain, to see what I can confirm, and then I'll get back to you."
They parted ways and Chakotay proceeded down the hall towards the Captain’s quarters, a little apprehensive.
He rang the chime, and the door opened to a voice yelling, "Stop her!"
He reached down and grabbed the stunned child. Handing her back to Kathryn he said, "So it is true, by the looks of her, you didn't waste any time," He was angry.
"Chakotay, I don't know what to say, I'm Sorry." She could say nothing more, she made a promise to Tom that the rape would never be brought up again, she had hoped the 'how' wouldn't matter to Chakotay but she was obviously wrong.
"I could understand under different circumstances but Tom. Why him Kathryn, Why?"
"Who told you it was Tom?"
"That doesn't matter, the fact remains it was him. You went to him! B'Elanna, and me, we could have, it was tempting but we didn't we didn’t, we had people we loved we hoped we would get home to. And you and Tom..."
"Yes, he helped create her, but he isn't her father. No one is; I'm raising her alone, Please Chakotay try to understand," she pleaded.
"You're even denying him his daughter, or is it the pig wants nothing to do with her!" He had to leave before this conversation went too far. "I have to go, sorry Captain." He ran out the door and went directly to B'Elanna's quarters, he had to let her know this was all true and from the looks of it, it all happened just days after they were gone.
******
"That P'taq I could kill him, did he care so little for me that he went to her? "B'Elanna was pacing, Chakotay knew he had to calm her down, he was angry too but when B'Elanna was this angry destruction usually followed.
"B’Elanna we have to figure out how to deal with this...” A door chime interrupted him, He opened the door to find Tom standing there, and he had to quickly duck to avoid being hit by flying debris.
"I guess one of you talked to Kathryn," Said Tom.
"YOU P'TAQ, you slept with her," Yelled B'Elanna.
"Shit, I should have known, that stubborn woman," He mumbled under his breath. "Look...this isn't easy, I made a promise, along with everyone else that the truth would be buried. She just wants to go on with her life, but I will not let either of you sit here and blame her. You will hate me when I’m done but at least you won't hate her."
He recounted the events, word for word as Harry had told him, never looking up, he couldn't look either of them in the eye. "I know everyone says it isn't my fault, that I had no control, but it doesn’t make this any easier. It took the Captain a long time to see me, almost 6 months in fact. Man, when I saw her I nearly fell over. I knew about the baby, but seeing her like that was something else. She forgave me then and has done her best to let me know this will not be held over my head. She's such a strong woman, going on like it was nothing. I try to but sometimes..."
Chakotay was speechless, he had to say something, he wanted to hit Tom, pulverize him but that would get him nowhere, "God, I said such spiteful things to her, and she said nothing back, what am I going to do?"
"Go talk to her, Chakotay, explain, let her explain. You have to start somewhere, "Said B’Elanna.
"I know B’Ella, I know," and he left.
"I know I don't deserve anything from you, I know..." Tom was looking at his feet.
"Shut up helm boy, and kiss me, I missed you," She said with a smile. It would all work out, some how.
******
Chakotay laughed as Kathryn opened the door, she was drenched from head to toe.
"Ah, Commander, come in. It's bath time, which can be quite an adventure," she continued as she walked back towards the bathroom "You can come in, just take cover."
She wasn't kidding; water was everywhere. "Where do you keep the raincoats?"
"I usually just take her in the sonic shower with me, but at least once a week we do bath time, the child must know the luxuries of a bath," she said with a laugh.
"That is the truth, she wouldn't be a Janeway if she didn't," he laughed.
"What did you want Chakotay? you seem to have had a change of attitude."
"I know, I'm sorry about earlier, I was shocked, I..."
"I can understand that, but why are you here, now?"
"Why didn't you tell me, Kathryn?"
She sighed, Tom obviously told him, "It's not important. It took me a long time to get over it, and when I did I just wanted it in the past. I didn't want it hanging over Tom’s head, and I didn't want it to be my daughter’s legacy. So it gets shoved away and forgotten and we move on. Can you understand that?" She needed him to understand.
"I guess I can, you seem so calm about it, like... like, I don't know." It was hard for him to understand this.
"I'm calm because like I said, I moved on. Oh, I cried, I screamed, and I even pretended it didn't happen. Then I accepted and moved on. I'm okay now, it took a while, but I am okay. Kessie makes it okay." She glanced down at her daughter. " She changed my focus, changed my life; she is my life. I love my daughter with everything I have in me; it's truly a wonderful feeling."
Chakotay could understand, family meant everything;
Kessica was Kathryn’s family here. Maybe he would have a chance to be a part
of that family. He walked up to her and kissed her on her forehead, "Let’s
finish her bath."
End