Disclaimer: I don't own them, i'm only playing.
A Time For Truths
by Sheri
Rated R (just to be safe but nothing graphic)
Authors Note: I took liberties, alot of them, and changed everything between
Counterpoint and Childs Play. Call this A/U!
story starts out around the time of Childs Play and thoughts go back to
Counterpoint.
I kept my eyes closed, leaning against the back of my chair with Adeline
sleeping soundly on my chest. My hand rested softly on my baby’s back, gently
holding her in place.
The call came moments earlier, my away team was safe. Seven had managed
to convince the rogue drones to stand down. Rogue drones? Children was more
like it, acting erratically. Desperately trying to save themselves. But could
I really blame them? Did I want to?
Chakotay had come by my quarters, smiling as the infant suckled lazily at
my breast, finding no embarrassment at the sight of his senior officer's breast
exposed; after all, it was giving the child nourishment, not an attempt to
incite sexual excitement.
Chakotay told me what the away team found, or rather who they found while
they were held captive on the Borg vessel. He said he wanted to tell me in
person, here, away from sickbay. He said he was sorry but he wasn’t sure the
doctor could revive him and even if he could, they did not know what kind
of life he would have. He told me how, at first, he didn’t even recognize
him, lying there on the Borg biobed, looking like death. Seems that Kashyk
finally found someone he couldn’t manipulate. Kashyk finally met his match
and probably his fate.
Chakotay had left, leaving me lying on the chair, not wanting to go see
the man who had turned my world upside down.
Chakotay spoke of the love I had for the man. How was he to know any differently
after all? It was what I had told him. He didn’t know the truth because I
didn’t want anyone to know the truth.
My crew saw it the only way they could: Kathryn Janeway could not resist
the charms of the Devore inspector and wound up in his bed then when he betrayed
her, she sent her heart away with him when he went back to his fleet and commanded
them to find more telepaths, to destroy more lives.
I buried the truth, feeling I was safe in doing so wasn’t anything like
that though. I'm not ready to tell them yet but the doctor is there in sickbay
trying to save the life of a man I would rather see dead.
The truth was that on his last inspection of my ship, he called me into
my ready room. I found him there, sitting at my desk with that cocky smile
making me ill as he ordered me to approach him.
As I reached the desk, I felt Prax grab me and slam me down to the desk.
Stars spun in front of my eyes as my head impacted the hard wood. I could
hear Kashyk laughing and feel him behind me as he pulled down my pants and
did things I have done my best not to remember.
I did my best to block it out, all of it. How I gave him refuge; how I trusted
him yet didn’t. How he took that safe feeling one gets from being in the place
you call home and threw it away.
The crew wasn’t on the bridge, that was one thing I felt grateful for as
I sat in my chair alone, attempting to regain my composer. I would need it
to face them especially Chakotay. The man immediately questioned my feelings,
thinking Kashyk's departure had upset me and I went with his interpretation.
Chakotay made up the story unknowingly and I grabbed it and kept it, finding
it easier to tell them that I loved the man rather than loathed him.
When I discovered I was pregnant, I had mixed emotions. I did not want that
man to father my child but he was gone and a dream I had never given up was
about to be realized. I knew I would not harbor ill feelings for the child
for she too was but a pawn in the game the inspector played out.
So there I was, telling those who would listen, that at least I had something
to remember him by. The story grew, almost into a fairy tale as the crew grasped
my pregnancy with both hands and didn’t let go. It was something else to
anticipate and to celebrate and that’s what I really needed. I fell deeper
into the lie but found no harm in it. The crew would love my baby, not look
at her as the product of an evil deed.
Adeline is finished eating now so I guess I can’t delay this any longer.
I make a call to Ensign Wildman who is more than willing to look after Adeline
so off we go. I drop her off, thanking Samantha and assuring her that I will
return shortly then I head to sickbay.
My steps are slow and I think nothing of smiling and making small talk to
the passing crewmen. I do not want to arrive at my destination.
All too soon, I find myself standing just outside sickbay's door. I fear
and dread what I will see. The tension is almost more than I can handle. I
take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm and step forward, triggering
the doors.
The doctor is moving fast, a flurry of activity attempting to save the life
of a man who doesn’t deserve his actions. I feel a hand on my shoulder and
look up to see Chakotay standing beside me.
“The Doctor was able to revive him, but it doesn’t look good,” he explains.
I nod and step towards the bed. The sight before me turns my stomach; the
bile threatens to rise up and spill out. I swallow it back and approach the
bed. The doctor briefly looks at me but does not stop. It's clear that Kashyk’s
life is hanging in the balance right now and I can clearly see why. He is
missing his arms; his face is marred and unrecognizable; implants are sprouting
out of every inch of him. The children did not know the proper way to assimilate
a new drone and I find it disturbing that I find joy in that knowledge.
That joy rises in me, fighting with my anger of the memories of Kashyk’s
actions just fourteen months ago. The anger wins out and I step forward, leaning
over the bio bed so that Kashyk can clearly see me.
In his eyes, for the first time, I see fear. I know he does not understand
what has happened to him. He could not have been prepared for something like
this. But what angers me more is that in his eyes I also see relief. His dear
ol' Kathryn will make sure everything is okay.
The decision is made before I can think about it. I lean in close, my mouth
next to his ear yet I do not whisper. In hindsight, whispering would probably
have been wiser. I speak calmly and assuredly. “You wouldn't stop when I begged
you to stop, but now we will stop and I won't even make you beg.”
I stand up. Sighing, I turn to the doctor, “That’s enough, Doctor, you’ve
done all that you could.”
He obviously does not understand my words. “Captain? I know it looks grim,
but I can possibly help this man.”
I turn to face the doctor. He has to see that I know what I am saying. “I
said, that’s enough. What kind of life would he have? You will stop, NOW.”
Someone must have been looking out for me, for the alarms begin to scream
at that moment. Kashyk's heart has failed once again. I gently lay my arm
on the doctor, fighting the smile that wants to spread across my face as the
doctor nods back at me, dropping the hypo spray to a nearby table then moving
to the biobed to pull a sheet across his body.
I look to Chakotay and want to die. The look on his face tells me he heard
and clearly understood what I said to Kashyk. As I said, why didn’t I whisper
it?
“Chakotay, I’m going to get my daughter. Will I see you later?”
“I’ll see you in an hour? After the doctor gives us all a clean bill of
health?” he asks.
“Sounds good,” I say calmly before exiting the room.
Fourteen months I led Chakotay and the crew to believe my daughter was conceived
out of love, now I have to explain the lie I told my best friend, explain
why I told it, why I lived it.
I know he will understand and once again spill out the words of love I’m
not ready to hear; but it will feel good much the same.
Chakotay has always stood by me. He even made an unspoken offer to be a
father to my daughter. Today that offer sounds all too appealing to me.
I know, if I want, that I could fall asleep in his arms, for the rest of
my life and someday maybe I will. I have always abided by Starfleet's protocol,
obeying them to the letter, but Adeline changes all that. Never before had
I imagined a child could change a person so much, so drastically but slowly
she is changing me. Slowly the ice that has surrounded me is melting. Allowing
her soft arms to hold me is so reassuring even as I reassure her. She doesn’t
yet know or understand any of this. At five months she is too young but her
love has held me together during a time that I might otherwise have fallen
apart. Together, she and Chakotay may be able to keep me together feeling
whole, feeling loved.
Back in my quarters with Adeline, I look at the clock. My hour is nearly
up. Today I finally told one truth. Maybe it's time to tell another.
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