A short piece from Janeway's p.o.v.
I have to admit to myself, I stuck my nose where it didn’t belong and came up with more than I wanted. I was just so bothered by Seven’s actions, all that holodeck time, leaving her station. And I know that she blatantly lied to me when I confronted her about it. So I found my self in the holodeck, retrieving an erased program.
It came to life, and I almost threw up. I sat there watching, completely numb. The interaction between the Chakotay hologram and Seven, god how nauseating. Its not that I didn’t think he would be warm, sensitive and caring in a relationship, but with her…
I shudder at the thought of it, and my mind begins to wander, I know they kissed, that was obvious. But did they do other things, have sex, oh god, I am going to throw up. I fight the nausea, as it rises to my throat.
I begin to realize that I have no right to feel like this. I never let Chakotay know how I feel and since we returned from New Earth, neither has Chakotay. And this is just a hologram, just lights and photons, nothing else. Nothing else.
OH god, I think I’m going to throw up again, he is just lights and photons, nothing else, and yet I feel like I have been betrayed. Like someone has ripped out my heart and fed it to the lions. Is this how he felt when I was with Michael, did he feel betrayed, hurt, angry? How could I do that to him? With a hologram?
I delete this damn program once again, never will it return, I make sure of that. Then I call up the Fair Haven program. I know I can’t change anything with the Michael program, but there is something that I sure can try to do, “Computer, erase any information on Katie O’clair and Kathryn Janeway from the Fair Haven program.”
The program beeped its answer, it did just as I told. Now what to do with Chakotay, I know how I feel, and yet I still have those perimeters. I don’t really like them, but I have to keep them up, it’s what I was taught, and how I have lived. But I wonder what the harm would be if I told him how I felt, if we at least had that understanding between us? I wonder how he feels, if he will rejoice, or run in the other direction?
I think back to Jaffen, such a wonderful man. So loving and tender, he reminded me a lot of Chakotay. Why can’t I have a relationship like that with him? Would it be different? No, because it still would be a relationship, damn. Jaffen and I may not have had sex, but with did love. We held each other, explored, I sigh at the thought of it. I do sometimes wish we could have gone further, known that closeness, but our bodies just weren’t compatible. But the problem is, it was just as emotional, just as loving.
I find myself sinking to the floor of the holodeck, just what should I do? I know, once again, a relationship is not possible, it's just against everything that I believe. But what would be the harm in a … understanding. Letting him know exactly how I feel and yet we can't go any further.
I smile, I know just how to do it. Yes I know in the end, I could end up disappointed, but it’s a risk I'm willing to take.
"Janeway to Chakotay."
"Chakotay here Captain. What can I do for you?" he answers.
"I was wondering if you had dinner plans?" I ask.
"Just the mess hall."
"Cancel that, how about my quarters, one hour, I'll replicate."
"Sounds great, I'll see you then."
I smile once again, and head back to my quarters. I've got a dinner to prepare.
The dinner went wonderful, just as it would be expected between two good friends. We're sitting on the couch, facing each other, when I begin.
“Chakotay, do you ever think about what you’ll do when we get home?” I ask him.
“Sometimes, but I don’t dwell on it too much, I want to live in the present, and not wait for a future that may take a while to get here,” he answers.
I’ll give him something to think about, “I do, more often now actually.”
“Really, like what?”
“I think about little warriors, one at least or maybe two, but that will be up to the angry warrior, just how many little warriors he wants around.” I have to laugh as I see him choke on his coffee, I definitely have surprised him. Then out come the dimples, “Two little warriors, that’s what the angry warrior wants, two.”
Nothing more needs to be said, he understands, and I now know he agrees. This is a good decision, we’re both adults, and we can both wait, and who knows, we could be back next week or next month. I can wait, and now I know he will too.
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