Disclaimer: They’re not mine, I’m only playing!
This is a sequel to Jinny’s ‘Nothing I could do to change your mind.’ found
here. I read her great fic,
and my mind started whirling. She gave me permission to have fun!
WINDS OF CHANGE
by Sheri
Rated PG
Kathryn sat at the table still unable to move. This was not how it
was supposed to turn out, she was
not supposed to be left alone once again. He said he would always be by
her side, now he left her,
to build his own life with out her. She knew she should’ve told him,
but she just couldn’t get the
words out. He had made his decision and it wasn’t right of her to throw
that at him when he so
obviously didn’t want her.
“Well kiddo,” she said rubbing her still flat belly, “I guess it’s you
and me. Don’t worry, we’ll figure
out something.” She wasn’t sure if she was reassuring herself or the child.
She whipped her eyes
and got up to leave, she had some thinking to do.
*********
She thought over all her options, at this point in time going back into
space was not an option, not at
least until the baby was born. At 8 weeks she still had a while to go.
She would keep the desk job,
then see if her feeling changed after.
In between work she searched for a house, she wanted to be out on her own
as soon as possible.
She wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted, she just knew she would know the
perfect one when she
found it.
She hadn’t yet told anyone of her condition, she wanted to figure out her
own future before she
included anyone else. The problem was, the only future she could
see included Chakotay, something
that just wasn’t going to be.
*********
It didn’t take her long to find the perfect house; she knew it the moment
she stepped in it. It was
large; not what she thought she was looking for. It was ancient, an old
Victorian style house, it even
had a winding staircase. Of course it had already been fitted with
the modern conveniences, 2
replicators which were of highest priority. She moved in as soon
as she could, and found herself
completely at peace here.
What threw her the most is her growing dislike for Starfleet. She
no longer had the urge to go back
in space and she was really getting sick of this desk job of hers.
She knew she didn’t have to work.
With money no longer needed, work was more of a convenience, and with her
impending mother
hood she was getting more of the nesting instinct.
She made a rash decision and asked for a leave of absence. Telling them
it would be just until the
baby was born.
********
Thankfully, her family never questioned the pregnancy, they just accepted
it. At 5 months now it
was quite evident so she was thankful that she hadn’t yet ran into any
of the former voyager crew.
She didn’t want to yet explain the circumstances; it was still quite painful
for her. Oh she had
excepted her condition and was getting quite excited. She recently began
to feel the baby move
inside of her, for her, that was the turning point. She found herself
with her hand on her belly more
often than not.
Chakotay had sent her one message, prerecorded. It was a short simple
message saying he was fine
and settling nicely to life on Dorvan. He looked happy and refreshed,
and looked like he really
didn’t miss her at all.
Due to the raging hormones, she found her emotions swinging constantly,
and was having a
particularly bad day when the doorbell rang. She wiped her eyes and
answered her door, expecting
her mom or sister. It was quite a surprise to find B’Elanna at the
door.
B’Elanna was speechless, she was concerned when she was told her former
Captain took a leave of
absence, but was not expecting to find her obviously pregnant. “Captain…I…”
“Come on in B’Elanna, I know, this was not what you were expecting.” She said sympathetically.
“I didn’t know you were involved with anyone, no one said anything.
I guess me and Tom figured
you and Chakotay would be together, we were shocked to find out he left.”
“Didn’t he say anything to you?” she asked, she assumed B’Elanna would
have been the first person
he would talk to.
“No, not until he was already settled in. And then it was a message
saying he was OK. We’ve
been worried about him, do you know what happened?”
She thought a brief moment; she could lie about this, or tell the truth
and just hope B’Elanna can
keep her mouth shut.
“Well I don’t know what was going through his mind, but I have a feeling
I was a big part of it. I held
him off for so long that when I did come to him, it was too late.” She
hesitated for a moment. “Oh he
didn’t let me know it was to late before he indulged in some fun though.”
“Oh my god, the baby is his?”
“Yeah, listen, he doesn’t know. And I don’t want him to. Please B’Elanna
don’t say anything.” She
was pleading with her.
“I can’t believe he would do this, abandon you when…”
“Like I said, he doesn’t know. I was going to tell him when he said
it was too late. That it wouldn’t
work out.”
“I don’t know, I guess I just don’t understand this. We all thought
he wanted to be with you.”
B’Elanna found it hard to imagine her old friend just walking away.
“Look, I’ve dwelled on this a long time. I don’t know what was going
through his mind. He said he
knew the night we slept together that he was leaving, why he let it happen,
I don’t know. He said
we waited too long, that maybe a few years ago we could’ve made this work,
but not now. He said
it wasn’t meant to be. B’Elanna, he didn’t even want to talk about
it, he made up his mind and I
wasn’t going to change his mind.” She stopped her rant, she was once again
on the verge of tears,
and she had enough of that.
“I’m sorry, for everything.”
“Thanks B’Elanna, it does mean a lot to me.”
“Well, so do you know the sex of the baby yet?” B’Elanna wanted to change the subject.
“No, I want that to be a surprise. All of this is new, and it feels right.
Ironic huh, Chakotay wanted
someone, who would be with him without work getting in the way, so he left.
And now here I am,
I’m not working and I love every minute of it. I don’t even think
I want to go back. I thought
maybe if I could do something at home, I might like that, I’ll just wait
and see.”
“That is a change, but then again, you never cease to amaze us, you’ll
be just fine.” B’Elanna was
positive of that.
“I will be, I will be.”
**********
Chakotay looked down at the woman lying in bed with and sighed. Their
conversation earlier had
been an enlightening one. Yes they had only been together for 4 months
but when, this evening he
began talking about the future he dreamed of; Talia told him that wasn’t
what she wanted.
“I’m not looking to have any kids, don’t like them, don’t want them.
And I certainly never want to
be married. Chakotay, we’re just having some fun here, I leave in
another month. I’ve been here for
almost a year, that’s way to long for me.” Talia explained.
He just never could pick that ‘right woman’, either that or let’s the right
one go. He still couldn’t
explain why he did it. 9 months ago he had her in his arms, in his
bed more like it. He was planning
on coming here to Dorvan, then that happened. It scared him to death.
He went to Dorvan, to think
things through and found he didn’t want to leave, after all he did love
it here. Over that 5-week
period he did a lot of thinking, and by time Kathryn called, he convinced
himself that she would
never want the same thing. She wouldn’t give up her career; she would
go into space and leave him
for months at a time. Despite his strong feelings for her, that was
not what he wanted in a
relationship. So he told her it wouldn’t work, and that nothing she could
say or do would change his
mind.
He stayed here alone for a while, then 5 months after his arrival he and
Talia got together, she was
wild, and he loved that in her, now it was her free nature that was causing
them to split apart. He
decided he would stick it out with her till she left, at least that way
he wouldn’t have to be alone.
When she leaves, well he’ll deal with that at that time.
*********
Kathryn let out a gasp and looked to her mother for reassurance, “I didn’t
think breast feeding
would hurt.” She cried, looking down at the newborn baby boy in her arms.
“Well, you just have to get used to it, it won’t be so bad after you do
it a few times.” Her mom
explained.
“I hope your right.” Just then Tom and B’Elanna came into the room. “Hi there.”
“Hi yourself, hey did we come at a bad time?” asked Tom slightly embarrassed.
“No, it’s OK, if it doesn’t bother you that is.” She laughed at Tom’s awkwardness.
All he could do was blush; “I’ll just go sit in the chair over there, when
your done, I’ll come see
him.”
“Well, I’m not shy, oh Kathryn, he’s so beautiful. He looks just like Chakotay.”
She regretted it the
moment she said it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“That’s OK B’Elanna, he is the spitting image of him isn’t he, I think he even has his dimples.”
“Did you think of a name yet.” Asked B’Elanna.
“I was so sure it would be a girl, that I hadn’t narrowed it down.
I was thinking of Jaden, Jaden
Edward Janeway.”
“I like that, it seems to suit the little guy.” Yelled Tom from across the room.
“Thanks Tom, and it is safe now, I’m done feeding him.” Laughed Kathryn.
“So B’Elanna, want a try at holding him?” Teased Kathryn.
“Oh yes, I can’t wait.”
“Well you don’t have to, here take him. Hey Tom your next.”
“Me hold a baby, umm, alright.”
“Well helmboy, you’re going to need the practice.” B’Elanna commented slyly.
“Why would I need the practice? … Oh my god, B’Elanna are you saying that you are… we are…”
“I thought this would be a fitting time to tell you, yes, we’re having a baby, in another 7 months.”
“Well I guess I better get in that practice, hand me the little guy.” He demanded.
“Not until I’ve had my turn, sit down, and wait.”
Kathryn laughed as she watched the two of them; she was glad she still
had them around. They
helped so much with alleviating the pain of missing Chakotay; it was nice
to have good friends
around.
********
Kathryn seemed to fall right into motherhood. She loved every minute
of it. Watching him grow and
change, by 5 months old he was already trying to crawl. He would
get up on his little arms and
knees but just couldn’t quite grasp the concept of moving. His little
body would start rocking as if to
propel him forwards, but still nothing, She couldn’t help but laugh.
She had begun doing work for Starfleet. Just a little research to
keep her busy, the bugged her until
she agreed. Of course, she gave them her conditions, she didn’t really
have a rank, and she didn’t
want to get back into all that. She did all her work from home, only
going to headquarters for a rare
meeting. And only one project at a time. She wanted to spend
as much time with her son as
possible and didn't want Starfleet coming between them. They had inadvertently
caused her far to
many losses in the past; Daddy, Justin, Mark, and Chakotay, don’t forget
the 7 years spent away
from her family. They would cause no more.
B’Elanna and Tom were going to come over for a visit and she couldn’t wait
to see B’Elanna. They
had been on mission for the past month, she knew B’Elanna must’ve changed
in that time. She
wondered how she was handling the pregnancy, and just how much Tom was
suffering.
It was after dinner when they told her about seeing Chakotay. They
were close to Dorvan for a
couple days so they decided to beam down.
“Don’t worry, we didn’t say anything. I don’t know, he looked miserable
if you ask me, he was
elusive, not offering much about what was going on in his life. He cut
the visit short after 20 minutes
saying he was busy, and we didn’t see him after that. Just got a
message apologizing for leaving so
quickly, and said he hoped he could come see the baby after it was born.”
“I guess I don’t know what to say. I’m not exactly thrilled with
his absence but I’ll be damned if I
call him and tell him everything. He’s the one who walked a way;
he’s the one who will have to
come back, until then, no.
“Kathryn, maybe if you sent him a letter, just to say hi?”
“I sent him a letter when I got the first and only one. He didn’t send
anything else. Understand me,
please, I will be the first to admit that I still love him. God,
it feels as if I’m forever connected to his
soul. And with Jaden, it’s a constant reminder, I don’t even see
a bit of me in there, he’s like a little
Chakotay clone. But I also accepted his decision, and I wont go off begging
him to come back, or
harassing him with letters, I’ve got to have some pride here.”
“You are looking at this all wrong, maybe if you make the next move, he’ll come around.”
“No B’Elanna, please don’t bring it up again.” Kathryn was getting mad, not a good thing to do.
“Fine, sorry, subject dropped, listen, maybe we should get going anyway.”
The said their good byes
and quickly left.
Kathryn sat down on the couch and once again cried.
**********
Chakotay sat down on the bench at Starfleet Headquarters, trying to think
of what to do next. He
came here trying to locate Tom, B’Elanna and Kathryn. Of course, they would
tell him nothing. He
knew he would get that answer, they weren’t too happy with him when he
ups and quit, but he had
hoped someone would give in.
He knew B’Elanna must have had the baby a few months ago, and couldn’t
wait to see it. Then
there was Kathryn. He had spent the past 19 months trying to figure
out just why he left her like he
did. Fear. Fear of getting into a relationship with her and seeing
her only every few months. Fear of
her not coming back. Her devotion to Starfleet had angered him. Because
she always put them first,
let them rule her life. And he wasn’t going to play that game. He
regretted walking away from her
the moment he did, but he knew he couldn’t turn back.
The problem now was he wanted to turn back. He tried moving on, meeting
new people, but it was
all so hollow, so meaningless. Talia had been great, but not like Kathryn,
he missed that connection,
it wasn’t there with her. Even after she left, he stayed on Dorvan, hoping
it would once again feel like
home, but it never did. That first five weeks made him feel like
it could have, but he was wrong. It
was never home, because she wasn’t there.
He got up from the bench, trying to decide how to find the three of them.
Maybe he would have
better luck looking for Gretchen Janeway, or maybe one of the former Voyager
Crew, someone had
to know where they were.
He only managed a couple steps when he felt something bump into him; it
was quickly followed by a
child’s cry. He looked down to see a little boy with jet-black hair
and beautiful tan skin. Seconds
later, hands reached down and scooped the little one up, she never looked
up at him.
“Jaden, you can’t run away like that, little man. I’m sorry…” Kathryn finally
realized who stopped
her son’s escape. She had not been expecting to see him, of all places
her at headquarters. She
only came here once or twice a month.
“Kathryn?” He didn’t recognize her, carrying a child threw him off
in the first place, plus the fact that
she was out of uniform, in a dress, with hair to the middle of her back.
“Chakotay… I didn’t expect to see you. I’m sorry, I’m going to be late.”
She ran off as quickly as
she could. She could hear him calling her to stop but she didn’t.
She ran into the shelter of the main
building, intent on delivering the report on the project she just reviewed.
And hoped she could hide
here a little while longer.
She waited an hour; she knew he would still be out there, but she figured
she should just get this over
with.
She was right, as soon as she exited the building she found him standing
there. “So are you going to
run off this time?” he asked sounding angry.
“No.”
“So who is this?” Pointing to the child.
“His name is Jaden.” Oh she was not ready for this. “He’s… He’s my son.”
Chakotay gulped, “Is he… mine?”
She couldn’t look at him, “Yes.” It was almost a whisper.
“Why didn’t you tell me. Kathryn, I have a son, and you didn’t even tell me.”
“Why in the world would I tell you about him Chakotay? So you could
come back here and ‘do the
right thing’ and end up miserable for the rest of your life. Or so you
could whisk us off to Dorvan.
Remember, you didn’t want me there, it shouldn’t have made a difference
whether I had a baby or
not.”
“You would have never come to Dorvan to stay, so don’t give me that line of bullshit Kathryn.”
“And you know this because…”
“Right, you would have walked away from everything to go live with me there.
Please give me some
credit here, you would have never walked away from Starfleet or your family.”
This had turned into an argument faster than Kathryn anticipated. “Stop.
I don’t want to argue about
this. I’m sorry, I know I should have told you but I was so hurt.”
“Answer me one thing Kathryn, that day when I told you I was leaving, did you know?”
“Yes, I wanted to tell you. But just couldn’t after all that you said.
When I asked you if there was
anything I could do, would anything make a difference, and you said no
that it wasn’t meant to be,
that nothing would change your mind…”
Chakotay looked at his feet, then back to her, “Can we go talk, somewhere more private.”
She hesitated a moment then answered. “I guess we can go back to my place.”
*********
It didn’t take them long to arrive at her house in Indiana, due to the
transporter. She put Jaden in the
play area she had set up in the corner of the living room, where he went
right for the toys.
“Would you like something to drink?” She offered.
“Some tea please.” He answered, sounding a little uncomfortable.
She got the drinks and settled on the couch offering him a seat.
Silence insued for the next few minutes, neither of them knew what to say.
Chakotay decided to break the ice, “So I take it Starfleet keeps you busy,
do you take him with
you.”
Boy would he be surprised. “No it doesn’t keep me busy, and he doesn’t
leave my side. I only do
occasional research, and reviews, when I want. I’m pretty much a stay-at-home
mom.”
“I can’t believe they would do that.” He said incredulously.
“They had nothing to do with it. I left them when I was only a few months
pregnant, I thought I
would go back once he was born, but it actually held no desire for me.
I only started this when they
needed help on a project, and told them I would do it on the condition
that I work out of my home.
He’s more important to me than anything, He’s my life now, not Starfleet.”
She watched his
expression carefully knowing that what she said completely shocked him.
Hell, it still shocked her
sometimes.
He just looked at her with an unreadable expression. “Gods I’m so stupid.
I still can’t entirely
explain why I left. I mean, I can but I regretted doing so.
I was so sure of how things were going to
be that I couldn’t see anything else. And now…”
“And now what Chakotay? What were you going to say, you want to change
things, turn back the
hands of time, What?” She was so confused by her emotions, a part of her
wanted to jump in his
arms and beg him to stay, another part wanted him to feel as awful as she
did that day. She
suspected that right now he possibly did.
“I don’t know how to fix things Kathryn, but I want to. And before you
say anything, it’s not
because of Jaden. I came back here, without knowing about him, to
find some way to fix the mess I
made. I need to fix this, even if we only stay friends, I can’t do without
you in my life, please.” He
took a deep breath. “You are my soul, and it has been broken since the
moment I boarded that
shuttle the second time. When I left, I shut out my true feelings and let
those thoughts that invaded
my mind take over. I can’t really explain it, I thought if I walked away,
over time, it would get easier,
but it didn’t.”
“What do you want from me, to forget everything and run away with you to
Dorvan. I can’t and
won’t do that. Maybe at that time, before you left, I could have,
but not now. I don’t want to. The
way you left, calling that night an accident, it hurt.”
“I know. Like I said, I regret it, saying it. I don’t know
how to convince you, what I can do to
make this up. Kathryn, I want to know my son, I want to know you.”
“I won’t keep you from your son, not anymore. I don’t know about
us. To tell the truth, it’s what
I’ve dreamed of. But now that you’re here, I’m scared. I couldn’t
take that again, I’m afraid it
would kill me. But friends would be nice, we can see if anything
comes from it later.”
“Thank you, for the chance. It will be worth it Kathryn, I promise
you, it will.”
The End